I live in a very small town. Which I like after living in Manhattan. Because it’s cool to run into people all the time and be like, “Hey, what up?” I mean, I don’t always say, “Hey, what up?” Sometimes I say, “What up bad ass sassy sweet lady?!” but that’s only when I’m high on too many boxes of Good & Plenty.
By the way, do you know how hard it is to find a box of Good & Plenty these days?! The last time stores kept this awesome candy in stock, Belinda Carlisle had just gone solo with “Mad About You.”
Oh my gosh, that song totally reminds me of this guy I LOVED in 1986 but then he got all pumped up on steroids and my crush was done. Okay, fine. I still loved him but he had moved on. To steroids. And girls that weren’t me.
The point is, I’m always searching for a box of Good & Plenty. But I was talking to a friend of mine about candy because girls (unlike any guy in history) actually have conversations about candy. And I admitted my deep love of Good & Plenty. And because she must hate me, she said..
“I had a friend growing up and her dad was a big wig at the company that makes Good & Plenty. He said, that candy is made of garbage. Like actual garbage all stuck together. So I’ve never tried one.”
Whoa. You can’t take shit like that back.
I tried to think of some horrible thing to ruin her love of jelly beans but I came up with some weak story about baby elephant tusks being used in the cotton candy flavored ones.
I mean, I’ve never gotten actual confirmation of this but you never know what might go down in a jelly bean factory.
Where was I? Oh right. I live in a small town. I do like small town living UNTIL I write a post about how I stopped breastfeeding my twins at 20 months and then the next day, I feel like people are looking at me. And whispering stuff like…
“See that girl. Yes, the one hyperventilating and sweating as she tries to keep up with those twins. She JUST stopped nursing them. Isn’t that nuts?!”
I mean, like the cotton candy jelly beans made of elephant tusks, I have no confirmation of this happening but I just think it’s probably true.
It just seems like everyone knows each other here. Which is why it surprised me when I went to a Zumba class at the Y on Sunday morning with a friend and didn’t see anyone else I knew. And there were like 50 people there! I was quite relieved because…
1. I couldn’t quite remember if I had put deodorant on.
2. My thong underwear was losing its elastic and I was constantly hiking it back up as I did my grapevines.
And 3. I actually danced and sang along to a real song that had the following lyrics.. “If you’re sexy and you know it, clap your hands…. If you’re sexy and you know it, and you really want to show it, if you’re sexy and you know it, clap your hands.”
You can’t take that shit back either.