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I live in a very small town. Which I like after living in Manhattan. Because it’s cool to run into people all the time and be like, “Hey, what up?” I mean, I don’t always say, “Hey, what up?” Sometimes I say, “What up bad ass sassy sweet lady?!” but that’s only when I’m high on too many boxes of Good & Plenty.

By the way, do you know how hard it is to find a box of Good & Plenty these days?! The last time stores kept this awesome candy in stock, Belinda Carlisle had just gone solo with “Mad About You.”

Oh my gosh, that song totally reminds me of this guy I LOVED in 1986 but then he got all pumped up on steroids and my crush was done. Okay, fine. I still loved him but he had moved on. To steroids. And girls that weren’t me.

The point is, I’m always searching for a box of Good & Plenty. But I was talking to a friend of mine about candy because girls (unlike any guy in history) actually have conversations about candy. And I admitted my deep love of Good & Plenty. And because she must hate me, she said..

“I had a friend growing up and her dad was a big wig at the company that makes Good & Plenty. He said, that candy is made of garbage. Like actual garbage all stuck together. So I’ve never tried one.”

Whoa. You can’t take shit like that back.

I tried to think of some horrible thing to ruin her love of jelly beans but I came up with some weak story about baby elephant tusks being used in the cotton candy flavored ones.

I mean, I’ve never gotten actual confirmation of this but you never know what might go down in a jelly bean factory.

Where was I? Oh right. I live in a small town. I do like small town living UNTIL I write a post about how I stopped breastfeeding my twins at 20 months and then the next day, I feel like people are looking at me. And whispering stuff like…

“See that girl. Yes, the one hyperventilating and sweating as she tries to keep up with those twins. She JUST stopped nursing them. Isn’t that nuts?!”

I mean, like the cotton candy jelly beans made of elephant tusks, I have no confirmation of this happening but I just think it’s probably true.

It just seems like everyone knows each other here.  Which is why it surprised me when I went to a Zumba class at the Y on Sunday morning with a friend and didn’t see anyone else I knew. And there were like 50 people there!  I was quite relieved because…

1. I couldn’t quite remember if I had put deodorant on.

2. My thong underwear was losing its elastic and I was constantly hiking it back up as I did my grapevines.

And 3. I actually danced and sang along to a real song that had the following lyrics.. “If you’re sexy and you know it, clap your hands…. If you’re sexy and you know it, and you really want to show it, if you’re sexy and you know it, clap your hands.”

You can’t take that shit back either.

28 Responses to i have no idea what this post is about. please let me know.

  • Tamara says:

    I completely got it… Kind of felt like “we” had a women’s version of a guy conversation- “we” covered a bunch of ground without going into too much depth. (“while “we” is really you writing and me reading- when I read this you and I are having a convo in my head). While not my go to candy of choice- Good and Plenty will now make me think of you… And then how they’re made of garbage.

  • I’m just re-learning the art of small town living, which 7 years in LA made me forget even though I’m from a town of 300. It seems more important here to go out looking somewhat presentable (and even more important, to have the children looking like little perfect ones) than it was in the big city. Because here, everybody recognizes you (especially me, because I’m the only American here and kind of the town curiosity, and I hope that will wear off soon). And they talk. Oh, how they talk!

  • KD says:

    Now that I remember what I read and you reinforced it I’ll do my best to judge you…. because after all I am the picture of small town perfection 🙂

  • Abby says:

    I will always be grateful to Kelcey for forcing me into her Thong Boot Camp so I was destined for a life of no panty lines. Thanks Kelcey! And no more love for junior mints?

  • Jen Davis says:

    I have stumbled upon your blog from a friend of mine (so I’m a virtual stalker now). I absolutely love reading your blogs! I think you may be my new best friend. You say all of the things that I always think in my head but can’t seem to get out. I will take your gusto and try to apply it to my blog (since I can’t seem to verbally express). Keep ’em coming!

    BTW — I take Turbo Kick classes at my gym and have the same exact undie issue. I’d go without if I didn’t have a fear of peeing my pants and not having that extra 1/18th of an inch of protection against my body!

  • Kerri says:

    The post is about….ummmm…anything & everything? Sounds like my conversations with my close friends. Drives the men nuts as they cannot follow us at all. We like it that way! I live in a forest & the closest village ( 7 minute drive) has a population of 500. So I know what you mean. Then closest town is just over 5000. I accept that we get talked about, but I am not the only one. When he have more then 2 kids, you tend to attract attention no matter where you go. I figured it was the small town thing until we went to Toronto & Ottawa & discovered that in fact they make comments there too. No one talked to me when it was just me or just me & my husband or us & a couple of kids. But apparently when you have more you attract attention among millions of people. We had ten & later nine of us (dh went to work) in Toronto on the train, then the subway, then the bus, then the Science Centre and back again with a hotel stay in between & the next day a speed walk down to my dh’s office & back with a quick ride up the CN tour for some of us. The questions went something like this: “Are you all together?”, “Are they all yours?”, “How many are there?”. I had to explain that actually one of my kids wasn’t with us (at work) and that one extra was my oldest daughter’s partner and that cute young lad was my grandson, not my son (even though he is only 4 years younger then my youngest). No we are not Catholic. We drive a 12 passenger van, but we actually took the train, subway then bus. They are shocked we managed with all of us! And yes….we do know what causes it! At least it was better then the other time when I did have ALL the kids, plus our foster children so there were 11 kids, plus me. You should see the looks when we walked in to Swiss Chalet in the city with all of them & the three older kids’ partners & my grandson. We actually had people passing us notes on napkins!

    At least in our small village & town I don’t get the many questions since most people know us & the conversation is more like your “Hey, what’s up!” We call ahead to our local village restaurant where we arrive after the busy dinner hour & the staff calls us by name & we do so in return.

    I so look forward to reading about your days Kelcey!

  • DawnGes says:

    Thanks for confirming. Laughter is the best medicine…

    BTW, will someone please explain to me (age almost 52), how a thong is supposed to be comfortable? My daughters swear they are. If you convince me, I’ll buy some and start wearing them.

  • MegD says:

    Clearly this post is about post-80’s nostalgia as brought on by Madonna’s performance last night. It is also informed by the theme of sweetness, love of candy and cute little children (I noticed you didn’t mention puppies, which would have been easy considering the Puppy Bowl that aired for two hours yesterday but I’m assuming that’s an oversight). And your leitmotif of discussing Zumba at the Y both in New Jersey and Florida serves to remind the reader of your commitment to fitness in a warm, welcoming environment.

    Very heady stuff, this. I hope my analysis helped.

  • Lanie says:

    There should be a sequel to this post called “why I love good & plenty more than junior mints.” What happened to junior mints?

    Did you have to go to zumba because there was no time for zumba on the Florida schedule? xoxo

  • Becky Rice says:

    For me, it’s Little Debbie Oatmeal pies. But then, I never had to breastfeed twins. Or pull up my thongs due to lack of elastic. Your life seems so awesome, compared to mine.

  • Kara says:

    In celebration of a job well done nursing two squirming babies at once, treat yourself to new thongs. Your rocking Zumba body will appreciate it…and it will give the small town folk one less thing to talk about.

  • beebs says:

    Trader Joe’s makes a fake Good n Plenty. It doesn’t taste exactly right, but at least it’s not filled with “garbage.”

kelcey kintner