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Home ownership is not really my thing. Or Rick’s thing. We’re praying it turns out to be 5 year-old Dylan’s thing.

There’s all this stuff you’re supposed to do –ย  like all the time. And you don’t even know you’re supposed to do it. My neighbor was the one who pointed out that we needed to trim our hedges, mostly because our hedges were winding their way into her garage. Which in my opinion makes them HER hedges but I don’t want to rumble with a senior citizen.

When you own a home, there’s always something going wrong that you have absolutely no idea how to fix. And the only thing Rick and I do know how to do well is kill stuff.

Like this is the patch of grass where we left our inflatable pool for a couple days…

And no, our pool is not square. I don’t get it either.

This is the patch of grass where we left our slip and slide overnight…

And this tree is about to keel over. We don’t even know how we killed it….

This is the just the damage we’ve done in three months. Can you imagine what we’ll do in a few years?

I feel like in this type of situation you need to turn to someone a little older and wiser for guidance. So I talked to my dad. A man who actually built his own deck. Anyone who can build a deck can certainly fix a lawn.

“Dad, how are we supposed to fix our yard?”

“I know. You can just use some green spray paint on those bare patches.”

Maybe I need to talk to someone else.

32 Responses to i am not a horticulturalist

  • abby says:

    Love it. This is why I’m in the city with a cement backyard and have to go to my parents’ to get anywhere near a pool. Ps I’m home sat-wed can u see me mon or tues during the day?

  • abby says:

    Just remembered I have a new student who is totally into this plant stuff. Maybe he could fix the patches and trim the hedges? Seriously, he’s good and totally into plants and landscape architecture. Great kid.

  • Peta says:

    wow, looks like you stole MY bush. Looks just like that one. It’s really enticing people to rent my house too.
    You know, I think I’ll just let you keep it…..

  • Portia says:

    Last summer I tried to add color to my front yard by simply flanking my door and garage with flower pots…1 year later, the flower pots and soil remain…sans flowers. I think the key to horticulture at home is knowing when to dial up a landscaper. Easy breezy!

  • I feel the same way. One of our toilets – the one junior uses, sounds like it’s constantly refilling the wossname, but I don’t see any water coming out! The noise is driving me insane. Also not knowing the wossname’s name.

  • Diane says:

    I think a perfectly manicured yard is so 80’s and that competitive gardners need to get a life. Wear your dead spots and foilage with pride! It shows you obviously have something better to do! (your yard actually looks pretty nice – so green)

  • Heather says:

    Personally, I think having a home is more work than having a child! (Then again, I don’t have four!). Every time I think I’m going to start “decorating” something un-fun falls apart/breaks/needs fixing.

  • Lisa says:

    My husband has been trying to convince me that we should install astro-turf in our yard and he is insisting that there is a market for homeowners. You might be his first customer.

  • red pen mama says:

    Right there with you. I have some potted plants that look lovely, but my “garden” is pathetic, and the pots are on our front porch which is falling off the house. We’re probably going to have to do something about that. And don’t get me started on the tree box in our backyard…

  • Liesl says:

    You could cement over it, but then you’d need to worry about the kids falling. Other than that get a gardener, you don’t have time to fret over it.

  • Rebecca S. says:

    Tell Grandma next door to lay off, that you are still recovering from a C-section for the love of God. Does she not see the twin babies???

  • Megan says:

    Our second year in our home the two shrubs by the front door died so we (I mean Todd) replaced them. They started to die again two years later so instead of replacing them I simply cut off all the brown dead stuff. A year later the bushes are still an odd shape, but green and living.

  • Erin says:

    Every spring I spend so much time (and money!) on shrubs and flowers and by July every year, I am pulling everything up b/c its dead! Next year I am going for the simple look- NOTHING, especially since I will have a newborn that I will need to grow successfully. ๐Ÿ™‚

  • Daphne says:

    Random 2 cents, kind of relates and made me laugh:
    My sister just told me this funny quote, ala Dorothy Parker, who was asked to use horticulture in a sentence:
    You can lead a horticulture, but you can’t make her think.

  • johanna says:

    i can’t keep any plants alive. Even killed a cactus!! Apparantly I actually remembered to water it and over watered it. So I have no advice on greenery except throw some seed down, water a bit and pray for regrowth?!

  • Jen says:

    ummmm… that is totally not grass for one thing. i think you need to call in some help.
    don’t you guys have chemlawn in ny?
    tell that old lady next door to cut the hedges herself – she may have to give up price is right one morning, but she can squeeze it in.

  • Cara says:

    Lawncare is so not our thing. Way too much time effort and water.
    Lately, there’s been a water restriction around here, so everyone’s lawn is pretty much brown.

  • I am your newest follower. I found you through your Project Mom submission. Don’t be so hard on yourself. If you’ve only had the house for three months..blame the previous owners.They gave you a bad yard. Not your fault!LOL Next year, it will be better. call Tru Green or Chem lawn they can help you out. Your Dad was correct, its not called spray paint but there is a yard “paint” to help with “dad” spots. He wasn’t making it up. He knows of which he speaks. I only know because we had a spot last year….it works:) Hope that helps! Happy Mothering!

  • Aunt Marcia (Guess Whose?) says:

    Lawns are ridiculous. All that watering/feeding/mowing….for WHAT? So the neighbor’s dog can shit on it? Let it go and offer it up to the local school district as a ‘food garden’ so the children can have something to do, and a learning experience at the same time. And you might even get some of those veggies to eat.

  • Tonette says:

    My mom ran into a very similar situation when I was about 6 years old. She just spray painted all of her dead bushes with green spray paint…. just sayin’…

  • Laurin says:

    Actually, when I was in NYC I saw a piece on a man who runs a very successful business spray painting yards green, so your dad is on the money!

kelcey kintner