Get yourself a gigantic twins nursing pillow which can also be used as a flotation device in the event of a water landing.
Hold the first baby like a football (Studies have shown this won’t actually increase your interest in the game of football but it may increase your love of “Friday Night Lights.”)
Get the first baby latched on to your right breast.
Now pick up the second baby. Hold her like a football and get her latched on to your left breast.
Unfortunately, the first baby will have somehow come off your right breast. Get that baby latched on again. Of course, now the second baby has come off. This pattern will continue for a few minutes. Finally, you will have them both latched on. You will weep with joy.
But now one of the babies has now fallen asleep after exactly one minute of nursing. Attempt to wake him. Remove some of his clothes. Blow on his head. Tickle his feet. Sing him Lady Gaga. Threaten to make him watch “Couples Retreat.” He will become more alert after the “Couples Retreat” threat, even though you are obviously bluffing. Babies can be so gullible. Get him nursing again.
Both babies are now breast feeding! At the same time! Time to grab the remote.
Keep both babies attached to your breasts while slowly picking up the remote. Don’t make any sudden movements that will disturb this delicate balance.
Just as you are putting on “Chelsea Lately,” an inadvertent shift in your body has caused the first baby to detach from the breast.
Now you will start crying. Because you’re hormonal. Because you’re tired. Because you have dropped the remote and now have to watch “Win a Date with Tad Hamilton.” Again. With commercials.
Compose yourself, be happy that you get to at least stare at Josh Duhamel and reattach the baby to your right breast.
You’ve done it! Welcome to tandem nursing!! Repeat every 3 hours.
And when you need a break, put your “assistants” to work…