When I’m in the car or going for a walk, I really like listening to podcasts. I like hearing the news too but there is only so much I can take before I find myself in the fetal position, drinking wine coolers and weeping to sad 70’s classics.
So I like to give myself a break and listen to Fresh Air on NPR or WTF with Marc Maron or one of my new favorites, the Mystery Show with Starlee Kine.
In the Mystery Show, Starlee Kine (from This American Life) solves mysteries. Now these are not murder mysteries or mysteries like what happened to Amelia Earhart because that would be depressing and I would be back to the fetal position with the raspberry wine coolers.
These are mysteries like… How tall is Jake Gyllenhaal?
I know what you’re thinking – I don’t really care how tall he is. Well, you will after you listen to the Mystery Show. Apparently, there is a lot of speculation about his height on the internet and Starlee Kine got to the bottom of it all.
Conan O’Brien even had Gyllenhaal on his show to measure him but I don’t think they really took into account all of Gyllenhaal’s thick, luxurious, perfect to run your fingers through hair that easily gives him an extra inch for sure.
Where was I? I think we all got distracted.
Anyway, I’m not going to tell you how tall Gyllenhaal is because finding out on your own is probably on your bucket list.
But I’m solving my own mysteries around here. What is my expertise for such work? Playing Watson along side Sherlock Holmes in acting camp. When I was 12 years old. Now that you are convinced that my credentials are worthy, let me go on.
My personal mystery was – what to do about three GIGANTIC palm trees that got hit by lightening in our front yard and were in danger of falling on our house. Like very very soon.
When it comes to yard maintenance, I’m more of a “Don’t do anything and hope it doesn’t look like crap” kind of person but this palm tree issue was pressing.
I called a palm tree doctor and he said, we were screwed. I mean, not those exact words. Obviously he used more medical jargon – being a doctor and all.
So then I called some companies to find out how much it costs to take down these humongous things and they said, “your life savings” and I said “how about a hundred dollars” and we eventual settled on something in between.
I assumed they would use some kind of ax, yell “Tinder” and lots of single people would come out and catch the tree. But surprisingly, it doesn’t work that way at all.
They actually climb these trees and then cut them down piece by piece.
That guy on the left totally thinks I’m putting this on Facebook and tagging him.
So mystery solved! Now you know what to do if big palm trees get hit by lightening and are about to fall on your house. This information will probably be completely useless to you.
See, if only I had told you how tall Jake Gyllenhaal is. Now that’s information you could really parlay into something.