guest post by my 2-year-old son

We’re getting in the car again. How is this woman not embarrassed to be seen in a gold minivan? Well, she also wears a tennis visor so she clearly has no shame.

Here she goes strapping me in. What is it with all these buckles? It’s like she thinks I’m a Navy Seal paratrooper. I’m not trying to kill a terrorist mom. Just trying to drive across town.

I’m really going to rattle her now by shouting out, “Me. I do it! Me. Buckle.” Oh I am laughing out loud because she is totally flustered. We must be late or something. Because god forbid we miss 5 minutes of open gym play, I won’t get into Harvard someday. She’s watching me try to do the buckle myself. By the way, I totally don’t know what the hell I’m doing. Alright. She grabbed it out of my hand. I’m going to sob now and demand a lollipop.

“Pop! Pop! I want Pop!!!!! Pop!!!”

Wow, that gal isn’t breaking. She says no pop. Meanwhile, she is practically flaunting her energy bar up there. I see it lady. I see it!!

“Snack! Snack! Snack!”

Okay, she threw back some goldfish. Extra cheddar. Pretty tasty. Still, I’m going to throw them on the floor and then cry because I want them back. Mom loves that bit.

Whoa mom – watch out for the Buick. This woman can not drive for anything. She’s muttering something about the Buick coming out of nowhere. Okay mom. Whatever you want to tell yourself.

I wish she would put on music instead of this Headline News crap. I mean, I don’t care about gridlock on Capitol Hill. How about a little Rihanna for the toddler in the back. I really love me some Rihanna. Chris Brown is such a loser.

I’m so bored. I’m going to just start saying truck every 2 seconds.

“Truck! Truck! Truck! Truck! Truck! Truck! Truck! Truck!”

She just put up the volume on that Headline News.

Look at my sister. She’s sitting there reading a Clifford book. As if she can actually read.  You’re not fooling anyone sis.

My mom is texting at the light. She just yelled at dad for doing that. She said you shouldn’t text at all when you’re driving. It’s too distracting. What a hypocrite. I would totally yell out “hypocrite” if I knew how to say that word.

Now she’s putting on lip gloss while driving. Hey lady, we’re trying to stay alive back here!

FINALLY, we’re here. You know, I gotta hand it to her, she’s a damn good parallel parker. Too bad this is 15 minute parking. I can’t wait to see her face when she gets the ticket. She’s going to need a lot of lip gloss to get out of paying that one.

She’s taking us out of the car and we’re headed into the gym. I have no interest in walking because frankly that drive was exhausting.

“Up! Up! Up! Up! Up! Up!”

Bingo! I’m up. You know, I do love my mom even with all her flaws and baggage. I just kissed her on the cheek and she went crazy for it. This will totally get me some extra cheddar goldfish later. Just for fun, I’m going to tell her I have poop in my diaper even though I don’t.

I really love being two.