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You know what I love about the internet? Other than the obvious stalk your ex-boyfriends, get minute to minute updates on the Tyler Swift/Conor Kennedy romance and Google your kid’s kindergarten teacher so you see photos from her bachelorette stripper party last year.

In addition to all that amazing stuff on the internet, I also love the free money.

You now can beg for money in a totally socially acceptable way through sites like GoFundMe and Kickstarter. In the last few months, I’ve gotten emails from friends needing money to open a restaurant, produce a documentary on childbirth and move to New Orleans to pursue an artistic dream.

Which got me thinking… Hey, I need money. For lots of things and important causes. So I think I should start one of these funds. I just need to pick one of the ideas below and wait for the money to start rolling in!

1. Help me pursue my deep artistic need for more diapers. (Money will be used to buy #6 and #4 diapers because no, my twins aren’t potty trained and no, I’m not even trying.)

2. Money needed to help me curb my strange addiction to The Children’s Place emails. I want to make them stop coming but I just can’t will myself to unsubscribe. What if the next email is for 50% off?!! Oh, it’s only 15% off. I am totally unsubscribing. Maybe.

3. Raising money to send unlimited ice cream, tissues and a lifetime subscription to US magazine to brokenhearted Robert Pattinson.

4. Help fund my road trip to follow One Direction on tour. Because there is nothing weird at all about a 40 something woman stalking a boy band.

5. Raising money to send Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte to linguistics school in the hopes he will stop saying, “Jeah!”

6. Funds needed to organize an intervention to stop Wendi Aarons’s disturbing obsession with Barry Manilow.

7. Need cash to pay for someone to sleep in my twins’ room and convince them to stay in their cribs from 7 pm to 7 am.  I will be able to coach such person with helpful tips like, “Screaming ‘GO BACK TO SLEEP OR NO MONEY FOR COLLEGE’ will not be effective.”

8. Money to buy my father a phone that he can actually view photos on. Because it’s not 1997.

Let me know which of these wonderful causes you would be willing to give money to! Looking forward to taking your cash.

17 Responses to go fund me! kick start me! oh, just give me some cash.

  • My kid turned 2 on August 12 and is still such a baby. Seriously, my oldest kid was speaking in full sentences before age 2 and this one (while really cute) finally said his first two word phrase two weeks ago. No toilet training for us for a while. Maybe when he’s 14.

  • VictoriaL says:

    I have heard some people purchase insect screening that encloses any pack and play at Babies R Us to deter spiders getting into the bed at night while the child is sleeping. The side effect is that the kid can’t climb out either. Won’t fit around a crib they claim it saves their sanity. And I doubt it cost so much that you’d have to “kickstart” it.

  • Patrick says:

    Phones have cameras now? What will they think of next? I would definitely go with the upgrade for your dad’s phone.

  • Wendi says:

    I don’t know what to say Kelcey. I really don’t.


    Manilow is here to stay, brother.

  • Misty says:

    This is a pretty great development though. maybe all of those street corner, card board sign holding people (with iPhones tucked in their pockets) can just sit at home and be even MORE lazy… (disclaimer: not saying all of them are liars, but a good portion of them are.)

  • I FEAR the day my 18 month-old son learns to climb out of his crib! The only thing that slows him down all day is a well placed nap or bed time behind crib bars–he is just too active when he has unlimited space to roam, things to explore, and stuff to show mommy and tell me all about.

  • Marley C. says:

    OMG!!! I am also a 40 something woman who is all out obsessed with One Direction! I know it is crazy but that Harry…he gets my hopes up with his “older women” comments. I am sure Amazon things a 12 year old girl lives here based on some of my recent purchases.

kelcey kintner

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