You know what I love about the internet? Other than the obvious stalk your ex-boyfriends, get minute to minute updates on the Tyler Swift/Conor Kennedy romance and Google your kid’s kindergarten teacher so you see photos from her bachelorette stripper party last year.
In addition to all that amazing stuff on the internet, I also love the free money.
You now can beg for money in a totally socially acceptable way through sites like GoFundMe and Kickstarter. In the last few months, I’ve gotten emails from friends needing money to open a restaurant, produce a documentary on childbirth and move to New Orleans to pursue an artistic dream.
Which got me thinking… Hey, I need money. For lots of things and important causes. So I think I should start one of these funds. I just need to pick one of the ideas below and wait for the money to start rolling in!
1. Help me pursue my deep artistic need for more diapers. (Money will be used to buy #6 and #4 diapers because no, my twins aren’t potty trained and no, I’m not even trying.)
2. Money needed to help me curb my strange addiction to The Children’s Place emails. I want to make them stop coming but I just can’t will myself to unsubscribe. What if the next email is for 50% off?!! Oh, it’s only 15% off. I am totally unsubscribing. Maybe.
3. Raising money to send unlimited ice cream, tissues and a lifetime subscription to US magazine to brokenhearted Robert Pattinson.
4. Help fund my road trip to follow One Direction on tour. Because there is nothing weird at all about a 40 something woman stalking a boy band.
5. Raising money to send Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte to linguistics school in the hopes he will stop saying, “Jeah!”
6. Funds needed to organize an intervention to stop Wendi Aarons’s disturbing obsession with Barry Manilow.
7. Need cash to pay for someone to sleep in my twins’ room and convince them to stay in their cribs from 7 pm to 7 am. I will be able to coach such person with helpful tips like, “Screaming ‘GO BACK TO SLEEP OR NO MONEY FOR COLLEGE’ will not be effective.”
8. Money to buy my father a phone that he can actually view photos on. Because it’s not 1997.
Let me know which of these wonderful causes you would be willing to give money to! Looking forward to taking your cash.