New Year’s resolutions are ridiculous. How can you possibly commit to improving yourself for an entire year? Especially in the gloomy month of January. (Okay, it’s sunny here in Florida but I try to keep that weather gloating to a minimum because I’m afraid of your backlash during the summer when this place turns into the land of sweat and humidity.)
I think it’s way more realistic to have New Year’s resolutions just for January 1st. Yup, one day only. (Like a one day sale at Walmart but you won’t have to get into a shouting match over a parking spot that was so obviously yours.) We can all do one day of New Year’s Resolutions, right? And if you extend to January 2nd, well, that’s just makes you a rock star.
New Year’s Resolutions for January 1st (or beyond):
Think of children less like “little people meant to bring you joy” and more like “workers you’ve recently hired to get stuff done around the house.”
Watch TV and not fold laundry. Feel no guilt about this. Look at that laundry basket and say, “Why would I bother folding you when my children will just wear you for 6 minutes and then deem you dirty so they don’t have to put you away.” Husband may wander in and ask why you are talking to the laundry basket but you remain unphased, triumphant and happily watching TV.
When kids are applying metallic jewelry tattoos, clarify much sooner the rules about applying these tattoos to their younger sibling. Especially when it comes to his face.
Don’t let anyone make you listen to Adele because that song where she calls a thousand times is starting to make you sort of crazy. Like multiply crazy by a thousand. Like you are longing to hear the Frozen soundtrack again. That crazy.
Yell at your kids less. You can do that for one day. Okay, you can do half a day if they really get annoying.
Ask that mom who doesn’t seem to age, how she looks so gorgeous.
Start a kickstarter campaign for Botox and fillers because it turns out that’s how she looks so gorgeous.
Commit to less Ryan Gosling in your Facebook feed. Because my god, you are a middle aged woman and you have better things to do than lust after a movie star. (Resume on January 2nd.)
Congratulate yourself that you have survived another holiday season without caving to your children’s demand for a gigantic inflatable Santa in your front yard. (Know in your heart that one of your kids is going to break you one year and you just pray that you at least get it on sale.)
Realize that your inability to spend 5 minutes uploading your pictures means you have no memory on your phone, preventing you from taking any photos or videos and that has actually made you a more present parent. #BlessedByLimitsOfTechnology. Then laugh because you just take photos and videos with your spouse’s phone instead.
When the CVS guy asks for your number so you can get your customer rewards and discounts, stop saying, “I can’t give you my number. I’m married!” and then snorting with laughter because man, you are hilarious and clever.
Practice a random act of kindness. Like secretly eating the last of the holiday chocolates alone in a dark closet so your kids don’t have to watch and long for a bite.
Be the fun, happy mom for one day! You know the kind of mom that is up for anything and never says things like.. “Hey clean up this mess before you start your next activity” and “No cake before dinner!”
Of course, that means the house will be trashed, and everything will be in complete disarray, but who gives a crap. You are the fun mom! (Half way through the day realize that it is completely exhausting to be fun and you’re going to just send everyone outside so you can scrape crazy glue off the countertops.)
That’s it. I mean, how much more can you do in one day. Wishing you an amazing new year! Or at least a pretty good one where you feel healthy and glow gorgeously in dim lighting. xo