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Mar
24
2016

A husband wrote an email to his wife…

We need a new toaster.

Toaster Oven

_____________________

She wrote back…

Why? Ours is fine.

_____________________

He responded….

It never goes off. You set it for 15 minutes and it stays on for eternity.

______________________

She wrote….

Eternity is a long time to cook toast. Why don’t we just unplug it?

______________________

He wrote….

We can try but we’ll never remember to plug it back in.

______________________

She wrote…

That’s true. And it’s very hard to toast a bagel with no electricity.

_______________________

He wrote…

And the toaster also blew a fuse in our kitchen, causing all the outlets to stop working.

_______________________

She wrote…

That is one high maintenance toaster.

________________________

He wrote…

We have the worst toaster luck. Remember the one that took 40 minutes to cook anything?

_______________________

She wrote…

Or the time the girls set the toaster on fire?! I told them to go downstairs and get some goldfish which they though meant, “go downstairs, cook microwave popcorn in the toaster oven and accidentally set the kitchen on fire.”

toaster after the fire

_______________________

He wrote…

Or the time we tried to get rid of a dead raccoon by shoving it in an empty toaster box but the garbage guys were way too clever for us and they just left it in front of our house.

racoon in a box

_______________________

She wrote….

This kind of stuff happens to other people, right?

_______________________

He wrote….

Oh definitely. Go on Amazon and see what toasters look good.

________________________

She wrote…

I can’t. Too many choices. There should be once choice for which toaster to buy. Or there should be one endorsed by a celebrity. Like the Bradley Cooper toaster oven. Or the Tim Riggins toaster. Then it would be easy.  I can’t handle 157 options. I’ll spend an hour reading customer reviews and then I’ll just log off without purchasing anything.

_______________________

He wrote…

Okay, I’ll look. I’ll send you a link to what I like.

_______________________

She wrote…

I really don’t care. As long as it toasts, I’ll be happy. But not too big. I hate when it takes up the whole counter. And make sure it’s a toaster oven. Not one of those old school toasters where you shove the toast in from the top. With two racks. And it should toast something in less time than 6 hours. Because that seems long.

_______________________

He wrote…

Got it.

_______________________

She wrote…

I think this new toaster oven is going to really alter our lives for the better.

________________________

He wrote…

Oh yeah. It’s a whole new exciting chapter.

_______________________

 


3 Responses to emails in a marriage (when an appliance breaks)

  • Paul says:

    Bwahaha! funny (and so true) conversation Kelcey. When I saw the part about the popcorn and the oven wreckage, it brought back a very funny memory (one of those things that is funny afterwards but not at the time). I had cancer at the time and during the treatment my heart went into A-fib. I was moved into the intensive cardiac care unit where they use wireless heart monitoring. They glue a battery pack and a harness with probes to your chest and it broadcasts to the nursing station.This way the patients can live normally – going for a walk in the hall, going to the bathroom, etc, 24/7 and still be monitored by computers at the nursing station. I was reading in my room when suddenly i felt light headed and I could feel my heart mis firing. i could also smell burning popcorn and I can remember thinking – This is it this is what people talk about happens just before they die.This is the end. I could hear the alarm at the nursing station and two nurses came running into the room. Then I heard the PA system announce a code Blue for my room and within minutes there were more doctors, nurses and equipment around me than I could count. After about 30 minutes of work, they stabilized my heart, attached more monitoring equipment, cleaned up and left. A bit later a nurse came into my room just to check and she was quite talkative (I assume she was assessing cognitive abilities). I mentioned to her that I really thought it was over when I smelled the burnt popcorn because so many people had mentioned that smell just before a near death experience. “Oh,” she replied.”you weren’t that close to dying – the nurses were making a snack behind their station and had burnt the popcorn.” ha! So much for my great story about almost dying – it was just a faulty microwave.

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kelcey kintner


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