I think we all know that it’s not a great thing when your kid learns to read. Sure, there are a few moments where you are like, “Holy crap, that child whose butt I wiped for about 2 years too long knows how read. Like real words. That is AMAZING.”
For awhile it seems like it’s working out brilliantly. Especially when you are being stalked by a 2 1/2 year-old boy who wants to be read “Curious George Makes Pancakes” every 7 minutes. George is too curious. He gets abandoned as usual by the man in the yellow hat. He makes pancakes. He gets sticky. He saves the day. Over and over again.
But now you have a kid who can read. Really well. Hey, SHE can read the book to him every 7 minutes. This is fantastic. Except then she doesn’t want to read the book anymore. She says it’s boring.
And she starts reading everything else.
Like now she can read the cover of the New York Post and she wants to know what this Lindsay Lohan does in these clubs.
And then she sees this in her iPod Touch calender….
“Move Elf on a Shelf.”
I have a lot of Elf on a Shelf anger and one of the reasons is because I can’t remember to move that little red guy every night. So I told Rick to put a reminder in his phone. But of course we have one of those iCloud thingys so it ends up in 8-year-old Dylan’s iPod Touch.
Dylan immediately asks me if I’m moving the Elf on a Shelf.
“I would never touch that creepy elf,” I say aghast at her accusation.
And nearly 6-year-old Summer says, “Is daddy moving it? But why would a Jewish man like daddy move the elf?” I almost pause to consider the fact that Summer just described her daddy as a Jewish man but I have no time.
I madly text Rick at work, “The girls want to know why you have a reminder to move the elf in the phone. Don’t text back if they can read your response. Can they?!! I hate the iCloud. I’m paranoid now.”
The girls decide they are going to sneak around and try to catch daddy near the elf. But as soon as Rick gets home from work, Summer blurts out, “Why are you moving the Elf on a Shelf?!! We saw it in the iPod!”
And Rick, a Jewish man, who probably never thought he’d have to explain to his offspring why he did or did not move some dumb Christmas elf, says…
“Oh I don’t move the elf. I just noticed that the elf is very lazy and doesn’t always fly back to Santa every night to report whether you’ve been bad or good. So that was a reminder to myself to talk to the elf and tell him to stop being so lazy and to fly back to the North pole each night.”
And they bought it.
And that’s how the Jewish man saved Christmas. Or at least the magic of the creepy elf.