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I remember I once had this boyfriend who admitted that he didn’t like to think of me as someone who pooped.

He had some kind of number 2 complex. Like he didn’t want to imagine his girlfriend being involved in something so gross.

I got rid of him in a hurry.

Or I may have just said, “Yes, you’re right, I don’t poop” and we dated another 2 years.

It’s hard to remember the details.

I’ve (regrettably) been thinking a whole bunch about this subject lately because Summer is now potty trained and spending quite a bit of time on the toilet.

Like when she utters the phrase, “I’m pooping…” I know I need to put down my car keys and purse because it’s going to be a while before we leave the house. Once Summer is on the throne, I pretty much have enough time to build the kids a swing set in the backyard.Β  You know, ifΒ  I owned things like a hammer and some wood. And had carpentry skills.

We were recently at this seafood restaurant and she had to go. The women’s room was occupied so I took her to the men’s room, which was a single bathroom.

I don’t understand men’s bathrooms. Why do they always stink like a pack of monkeys have been living in there? The smell of urine was pungent.

Summer sits down and says, “I have to poop.”

And I know I’m so screwed.

She sang (a selection from “The Sound of Music” if you’re curious).

She chatted.

She discussed what she’d like for her birthday in DECEMBER.

Every so often, I’d say, “Honey? Are you done?”

“Nope,” she replied and gave me a look like a lady can’t be rushed.

A Lady Can Not Be Rushed

After a ridiculously amount of time (and long after she had done her business), I took her off the toilet. I explained that I couldn’t spend the rest of my life in the men’s bathroom. I had goals for the future for gosh sakes.

She was furious.

She screamed.

She ranted.

By the time we got to the car, she was over it. She looked up at the night sky and asked me when we could take a rocket ship to visit the moon. Poop was forgotten.

My apologies to any monkeys who were offended by this post.

41 Responses to don’t you hate when moms blog about poop?

  • Stoneskin says:

    So, do you poop? And in my experience there is nothing in the whole wide world that is worse than a Ukrainian public toilet – for get monkeys, I would say a T-Rex with chronic diarrhoea would be more accurate.

  • hokgardner says:

    My three-year-old boy is sort of refusing to be potty trained, and I while I would love to only have one child in diapers, I can’t say that I’m looking forward to spending lots of time in public bathrooms with him.

  • Becky says:

    oh god! HILARIOUS!

    Ben has the same issue and once I thought he had died in the men’s bathroom at a restaurant. I was so scared I said, “From now on YOU HAVE to tell me if you are going #2”

    So he does. EVERY.TIME! God bless these children.

  • Amy says:

    OH MY GOD. My daughter will be three in December, started the whole potty training process in June, and I swear I have blogged about nothing but poop ever since then. What IS it about the whole process that takes so long anyway?? Your post cracked me up–thanks!

  • Aunt Marcia (Guess Whose?) says:

    Send your ex-boyfriend the book, ‘Everyone Poops’..and you might add a page to the end that says, ‘Except this Lady (insert photo of yourself in it)’.

  • Gretchen says:

    My son is the opposite. He’s the ninja pooper. He’ll suddenly leap up, dash into the bathroom, poop, flush, wash, go. One minute flat. Though occasionally he’ll invite me in preflushing to view his poop if it’s particularly impressive sizewise. “Look, Mama, I made a Giant Man Poop!” Okay, this is probably more than you want to know about my child.

  • You know, I always wondered at my friends who complained of their kids pooping in public restrooms. Until last month…imagine – I made it through 17 and a half years of motherhood before having a kid insist that she needed to poop in public (as it were). Not once, but 3 times in one month – and so I told her she had to cut it out, I wasn’t going to stand for it all the other kids saved their poop for home, why couldn’t she? I said this in public. I can’t imagine what the person in the next stall thought.

    But I cannot bear it. She’ll just have to have therapy when she is older.

  • Inna says:

    I don’t know about you but my poop smells like roses, so its really as if I don’t poop at all. I also don’t sweat, ever, nor do I have any buggers.

  • Amy says:

    I too use the mens washrooms when need be. (The single ones that is.. although there was that time…) Yes, they DO stink and are dirtier than the female clones I swear.

    Never had that problem with the ‘thinker’ poopers unless I count my husband who likes to take reading material in with him. (Wondering how some can make pooping a leisure activity but yeah, not going there..)

    Musings of a Housewife your day will come πŸ™‚ The only butt you wipe will be your own. Trust me on this one.

  • tracey says:

    I have to have spent over 2,000 hours in a bathroom, waiting for a child to poop. At least that much.

    One time, we missed going to the dinosaur museum because Justin (aged 4 at the time) was on the toilet for over 2 hours! This is not the stuff you hear about before you get pregnant, you know?

  • Abby Siegel says:

    I don’t have kids and am totally potty trained, but TMI my family and I are all about. talking about poop.it is like the main topic half the time. Sounds scary but it is actually prety funny. Thankfully I have pretty much no sense of smell so those smelly mens bathrooms aren’t too disturbing (been there, done that) but I have no isse talking about poop, whereas my cousin closes her ears and would rather be shot than deal with it!

  • Jennifer H says:

    There’s a gas station bathroom in Mexico that we’re just not even going to talk about.

    At our house, the inconvenience is the whole roll of toilet paper that a little girl thinks she needs to use every single time. Apologies to all the forests that have suffered on her behalf.

  • Mwa says:

    Considering mothers spend a considerable portion of their time thinking about, dealing with, and encouraging poop, I think it would be weird not to blog about it.

  • Robyn says:

    I WISH I could blog about poop. Because that would mean that Bear was ACTUALLY pooping on the potty. So far, no such luck.

    While you’re standing there waiting for Summer to finish up, think of me, changing a 3 year old’s poopy diapers (practically man-sized poops). Ugh.

  • Lanie says:

    Alyssa does the same thing – she will sit on the potty forever. Poor Fletcher eventually pees on the floor waiting for her to get off. Should I email the Mouthy Housewives to see if they have any suggestions?

    I remember that no poop boyfriend. Good thing you broke up. Great post! XOXO

  • kate says:

    My son is 5 and he poops during dinner EVERY night. And it’s at least 20 minutes. It’s fun when we’re in a restaurant:) But now that he’s in kindergarten I’m glad that he’s not a daytime pooper. He’s so scheduled it’s possible that he could miss math for the whole year!!

  • Alex says:

    I am writing on behalf of The Baboon Society. We found this post to be very offensive. As you know, we spend countless hours each day grooming each other. Personal hygiene is of utmost importance to us. We’d like a formal apology and a refund on our MBD subscription. πŸ™‚

  • I hate potty training. They either hate being on the potty or they love it. And I have twins so it’s all potty all the time. And everything smells like pee pee. I’m just as happy to keep them in diapers until kindergarten at this point.

  • Aunt Marcia (Guess Whose?) says:

    All you Mothers out there. The day will come when you’re in diapers and your children will be changing you and wiping your asses. Sweet Revenge…

  • Chris says:

    I liked this post! So cute and so true. My boys take FOREVER on the pot. I personally love to poop, but I don’t mess around [no pun intended]. I’m in and out in no time. Great post!

  • merlotmom says:

    All I can think is Ewwww!! She sat down on the toilet in the men’s bathroom? I’m trusting there were quite a few seat covers between her flesh and the monkey throne. ANd you had to sit there?? Ugh. Gross. Makes me glad my kids are older and my son can experience the mens room on his own. Yay!

  • Snarky Mommy says:

    What is it with the kids and their marathon pooping? My 3.5 yo son does the same thing. Except he likes to poop at 5 a.m. and so we have to sit on the floor outside the door (“mommy, I don’t want you in here, go out”) waiting for him to be done.

    I just blogged about the hole wiping himself issue as well. Ugh. I never knew it would be so ridiculous.

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kelcey kintner