Skiing Before Kids:
Get up. Drive to the mountain. Buy lift ticket. Ski all day. Après-ski. Sleep.
Skiing After Kids:
8:46 a.m. Arrive at the mountain!
8:53 a.m. Pay for lift tickets, ski school and rentals for four people. The total cost causes an audible gasp from one of the parents.
9:02 a.m. 7-year-old starts crying because she has to put a ski school jersey over her winter jacket. She can’t imagine why anyone is making her do this. It’s the most horrific thing that has ever happened.
9:14 a.m. 5-year-old begins sobbing because she doesn’t want her head to be measured for the helmet.
9:15 a.m. Their mother wonders how people don’t get lice from rented helmets.
9:32 a.m. Everyone has their rentals. Let’s go hit the slopes!
9:33 a.m. 5-year-old and 7-year-old refuse to join their ski school class. Various instructors try to convince them. Their parents lovingly try to explain that they need to be brave. They promise it will be fun. Children still refuse to go into their class. Parents get less loving. They threaten to leave the mountain immediately!! Children still don’t budge. The parents are defeated.
9:47 a.m. Parents put children in a semi private lesson.
10:06 a.m. The kids are skiing! Sort of. At least doing some sort of pizza wedge thingy down the mountain. And when I say mountain, I mean, slight incline. Mom is cold. She would be warmer if she was actually skiing, instead of standing at the bottom of the petite bunny slope.
11:01 a.m. Time to ski together as a family. On the bunny slope. This is kind of fun. The kids are enjoying this. The parents are enjoying this.
12:21 p.m. Everyone is hungry. Head to the lodge.
12:40 p.m. 7-year-old begins crying because her ski boots are suddenly suffocating her. And she must get her jacket off immediately. And she is so thirsty. It’s the most horrific thing that has ever happened.
1 p.m. Eat lunch of pizza and hamburgers. The mother pretends it’s organic and wholesome.
1:43 p.m. The children report they are done skiing. Leave the mountain. Children are sad because they forgot to get hot chocolate. They beg to go back. The parents refuse.
There is no Après-ski.
Over the next six hours… attend a birthday party. Prepare dinner. Bathe children. Read books. Put children to bed.
Put ski clothes back in attic.