The Elf on the Shelf is finally out and about in my house. Which means he somehow must have escaped from the attic. Trying to remember to move the elf each night is incredibly taxing on my brain. And not only that, I’m reasonably confident that the guy is mocking me a large part of the day.
Here’s what he must be thinking…
1. I wonder how long that lady is going to look for her keys. I can see them right there under the couch. She’s checked her back pocket 4 times. Lady, they are under the couch!!
2. These kids seriously eat more off the floor than their plates. I like when that one little kid pretends his plate is a frisbee.
3. Oh man, they forgot to move me again. I wonder what excuse they are going to use this time. I like the one about me having a bit of sciatica.
4. That 5 year old boy just asked his mother 14 times if he could have a snack. Dude, you aren’t getting a snack.
5. Oh wait, 14 might be his lucky number after all. He broke her. He got a snack! And a cookie no less. This kid is really talented. I’m taking notes.
6. I would do anything to change my outfit. I’m soooo over red. I wish I could wear navy. I look fabulous is navy.
7. No one around here is ever going to guess that I’m the mastermind behind the Kourtney Kardashian/ Scott Disick break up. Text you later Kourt.
8. Where are the Barbies? I can’t find them anywhere. Did they get rid of the Barbies? They know I like to hang with Barbies late night. Come on!! Last year I hung out in the Barbie hot tub!
9. Pizza 3 nights in a row. Seriously people?! You’re mailing this parenting thing in.
10. Why would you buy a kid a drum set?
11. Hey lady, if you’re going to pour yourself a glass of Sauvignon Blanc, don’t forget a glass for the elf. I’m right up here!
12. Can someone please change the channel from Lifetime?! I’m dying over here.
13. Do you know they are trying to make me work all year round by turning me into a birthday elf! I seriously need a new agent.
14. It’s hard living in a world with so much Elf on a Shelf hate.
15. Did they just turn out the lights and go to sleep. Hello? Hello? Isn’t anyone going to move me? Hello?