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I want to take a moment to thank all of you who pointed out that elephant’s ginormous penis. Frankly (and I don’t possibly know how), I missed it. And my life would have been a little emptier without the experience.

Oh damn it. Here I am again… faced with the awkward elephant transition. Even worse, I’m talking about elephant penises. So here’s my segue: Stop thinking about elephant penises. Seriously. Right now.

I had to defend “ER” this weekend. Yeah, the tv show.

We went out to dinner with this awesome couple and suddenly, the husband is just tearing into “ER” like what kind of idiot would actually watch that has-been, depressing show.

At first, I just laughed it off but then I really started to get a bit defensive because Abby and Luka and Neela are my friends. Well, pretend friends. The point is, they’re cool and I don’t want them disrespected.

Because of his unprovoked attack, I have to out this “ER” hater. And I hate to do it because he is actually a great guy.

You might recognize him from the “Unexplainably Bitter About ‘ER’ Still Being On The Air Fan Club.”

By the way, if you watch “ER” (all three of you), who do you think died in the season finale?

By Saturday morning, I was over the whole bashing my favorite show thing. And thank goodness because by 9:30 am, I was spritzed, powdered and headed to Long Island for a Bat Mitzvah.

Dylan freaked out because I wouldn’t let her wear her skin tight, mini tie dye dress (how Joan Crawford am I?!) but she totally chilled out once we got in the car…

And Summer piled on my old Mardi Gras beads during the drive.

I don’t think that girl appreciates for one moment what I had to do for some of those beads. Ah… some day I will school her in the ancient art of collecting Mardi Gras beads. Isn’t it heart warming when a mother passes on a beautiful tradition to her daughter?

We arrived at the temple and after about 10 minutes inside, the girls were a little antsy. So I took them outside and then we broke into a playground. Why would you lock a playground anyway? And I really shouldn’t take the credit, because it was the Bat Mitzvah girl’s 11 year old cousin who actually figured out how to smuggle us in. But seeing that she was a minor, you know the cops would have blamed me.

It didn’t matter though because we were at the reception long before any hot police officers show up (oh wait, damn).

At the reception, Dylan declared an empty hot dog roll “the best sandwich I ever had” and tasted her first Shirley Temple.

Once the Bat Mitzvah’ing was done, we headed home with the girls. The traffic and the drive back wasn’t too bad. Shorter than the way there, but still longer than an elephant’s penis.

Oh com’on. You were still thinking about it. Ok, maybe it’s just me.

mama bird notes

Contributing mamas Daphne Biener has a hangover, the parenting kind. Click here to read more.

Ever seen a cupcake that SERIOUSLY looks like a burger? Click on drooling over this.

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Know anybody having a girl? This week is your chance to win a fabulous girlie baby bundle including…

the must-have book for any new mom, “Mama Knows Breast,” a beginners guide to breastfeeding by Andi Silverman, an adorable Marie Chantal onesie from Posh Squeaks, too sweet, polka dot pediped shoes and teething bling from Smart Mom.

To enter, just leave a comment on the mama bird diaries this week and send a post to friend.

34 Responses to damn boy, don’t go dissing my tv

  • calikim says:

    You know…I DID see that, and thought…WOW is that the Penis?? He should hide that thing!!!! Then I thought, Nahhhh…its just one of his back legs. Now that I look at it again, I should have known elephants DON'T have 5 legs!!!

  • Kristen M says:

    ER…. do you think it was Sam? I am really hoping it was not Pratt or Abby. Of course, I keep saying if Abby leaves I will stop watching.

  • Jennifer H says:

    I didn't see it either, but I am so impressed that you could bring the topic back around and tie it into your drive back home. That maneuver isn't for amateurs, I tell ya.

  • Memarie Lane says:

    Me! Me! I'm having a girl!

    I never watched ER, I tried once and just didn't get it.

    If you like Mardi Gras beads, go to Florida. You can't get away from the things down there, any time of year.

  • Michael B. says:

    My Dearest Kelcey,

    Please accept my most humble apologies for unfairly disparaging your favorite tv show. Normally, I would have offered to watch right along with you and engage in realtime banter on the phone like a modern day 'When Harry Met Sally.' Alas, I am fresh out of Prozac and it's not a great time for me to start ovulating, seeing as how I'm a 37 year old male.

    As I write this while watching a Tivoed episode of 'The Office',a promo for that night's gripping season finale of 'ER' flashed across the screen. NBC was promoting the guest appearance of the relentlessly upbeat Steve Buscemi. I believe the scene they teased was Buscemi screaming "I'm the worst person in the world you could ever want in the ER!" as he came crashing down off a gurney. Grab the bonbons and Pinot, mamas, Must See TV is back! I hope this spot of unpleasantness won't sully our otherwise promising relationship. Clearly my judgment was premature. Perhaps I can come over sometime and we can watch the trifecta of unceasing sunshine that is "ER", "Intervention" and "Celebrity Rehab."

    Yours in sisterhood,

    Michael B.

    PS – It's unpossible for your little girls to be any cuter.

  • AUNT MARCIA (Guess W says:

    How could anyone miss that elephant's penis? You ladies just aren't cockeyed. I have an actual photo taken in Africa where the elephant and his penis lives. My friends Rich & Veronica were on a safairi and couldn't get the elephant to smile, but he did show them his penis.

  • Sally says:

    I LOVE Aunt Marcia and her cockeyed wit. That monster was looking for the tail pipe. Driver and passenger needed to be concerned only if the elephant likes it missionary.

    Kelcey – your girlykidlets tickle me.

  • Sally says:

    Oh, by the way, that Michael B. is brilliant. For a tiny second, the relentless upbeatness of Steve Buscemi was lost on me.

  • Francine Kasen says:

    I was on a trip to Africa and borrowed your in-laws' video camera and I got a movie of lions doin' it !! It was great, lasted about 20 seconds, the male roared and the female yawned!!! I swear!!!

  • scrappysue says:

    hey there! found you thru the mom bomb. plse dont' tell me who dies in ER! we are so far behind, abby just got out of rehab/luca's father died etc etc. i'm the only one in my family who watched it! i have just found out i'm coming to Y in october – YAY! can't wait to discover some more of it! i had no idea you were from NY when i blogged in. you have cute girls!!! love their names too

  • mp says:

    OK..I thought it was it's leg not a penis.. geeze louise the google hits you'll get from that post.. LOL

    PS. I want to have a real life Jewish friend JUST so I can go to a Bat/Bar Mitzvah party..they seem like a blast.

  • MamaGeek says:

    Damn, I missed an elephant’s ginormous penis? Off to look for it now.

    *raises hand – yes I shamelessly admit to watching ER and DON'T know who died.*

  • Damselfly says:

    Hey, I saw those beads for sale at Target for $2. 😉

    I didn't notice the elephant's penis, either. I thought it was a foot. If I counted the feet, I would have noticed that would be FIVE FEET. Duh….

    Off to eat a Dylan sandwich….

  • Tully's Mama says:

    Who's Aunt Marcia? I want to party with her. She's a riot. I truly thought your previous post was going to be about the elephant's third hind leg but you didn't even mention it. I knew you must have missed it because there is no way you'd have passed up that opportunity to incorporate something that hilarious into your blog.

  • Aimee says:

    OH MY said the female elephant..you have a mighty mighty something below there!

    I of course missed the giant penis and had to go back and inspect! Lets all be thankful a human can not have that size or we would be calling such a procedure –brushing teeth!

    Anyway…enough about the penis! Lets talk beads…love them. Thankful I have yet to have a girl –as she would have to repay me for all the things I did to my poor mom!

  • For the most part, we have stopped giving Josh buns w/his burgers and dogs b/c all he eats is the roll…

    I loved ER but kinda stopped watching after that guy's arm got chopped of by the propeller (just b/c I'm squeamish that way). ..I often miss that show though – and the original characters are still the best.

  • ErinB says:

    As one of the 3 remaining people on this earth still watching ER I am betting no one dies…they just want us to semi care enough to tune in next Sept. but if its Abby I am so bailing…unless they bring back Clooney- then its a whole new ball game.

    This blog entry may have hit a world wide record for the number of times the word penis is used…porn blog sites excluded of course.

  • Gabriella's mom says:

    I'm so outa TV touch, I get all my news from chain emails and Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update. Go Amy Poehler! I have to rent ER (and all the rest of 'em) from Netflix to know what the heck anyone is talking about.

    PS: I thought everyone got those beads from Jordan's Furniture in Peabody Massachusetts. Hmm, this blog is very informative too.

  • Dixie Chick says:

    I DVR ER and we always end up watching it after many other shows and it is still entertaining. I love the red headed guy, he is too funny. I want Abby and Kovac to stay together, not sure why. I like Neela as well. My five and a half loves loves "Full House" so I like to watch John Stamos to see how he has progressed since then.

    Being from Louisiana – I don't think you had to do much to get those beads – they are too small.

    Love the diary – it is hilarious.

    Thanks for sharing.

  • Dixie Chick says:

    Oh, I sort of attended my first bar mitzvah last year. I and my family are Methodist, so I did not know how long the ceremony would be – guessing 1 -2 hours. I took my 4 and 1 year old to the bathroom early on as they were being too loud, and I asked the nice lady at the door how long the service would be. Nearly three hours…no can do. We left darling husband and mother in law and went back to the hotel. Thank you Garvin. The party that night (sans kids) was fabulous. A very special celebration. I heard on Oprah later about the special need to celebrate teenagers becoming teenagers and if they don't get the attention in a positive way, they will push to get it in a negative way. I thought that was fascinating.

    One of my daughters eats the bun only as well.

kelcey kintner