I’ve been feeling something lately. Something that keeps percolating to the top of my self conscious. Then I quickly stuff it down, the exact same way I attempt to wrestle my daughter’s raspberry colored sleeping bag into its proper case.
But feelings are just bastards. They refuse to go away until you take a very deep breath and face them head on. So again and again, they bubble defiantly to the surface.
So I change my strategy. I will experience these emotions. And then, just maybe, they will stop following me around so relentlessly.
What am I feeling? A loss of some sort – perhaps freedom. Maybe youth. Or possibly choices.
I’m enormously, incredibly, unbelievably grateful for everything I have (you see that I fear being punished by the Gods for even admitting anything but sheer happiness at all times). I adore and love my husband, my children, my life. It is all I ever hoped for but never quite trusted could all come true. Not a moment goes by that I don’t feel overwhelming gratitude for all my blessings.
But lately I’ve felt a bit out of choices. Longing for a time, when everything was unknown and scary and filled with promise and fueled with addictive energy. I miss the exhilarating newness of those experiences that are behind me now. Behind. Me. Now.
I could hardly admit all this to myself, never mind dare to find out if other 30 something and 40 something moms felt the same.
But then I started to hear rumblings. A knowing nod from a friend. A similar confession from another.
And then I read this brave, honest, incredibly perfect post by IzzyMom. To quote IzzyMom, “You can call it whatever you want – a mid-life crisis, a housewife’s lament, whatever.”
My friend Alex suggested, a “late 30s, still sexy crisis” as a far better alternative to my self-described “mid-life crisis.”
But whatever you call it, it’s a relief to finally honor my own emotions.
It’s ok to have longing for a time that has passed. It’s ok to miss the newness. It’s ok to confess that everything which brings you such incredible joy and happiness in your present life, can sometimes, now and then, feel a bit limiting.
Because we are just human. We are wives. And mothers. And we are real and not perfect. And it’s ok.
It doesn’t make me love my husband any less. Or my children any less. Or my life any less. Because this is truly, deeply the life I want.
So it’s ok.
And with this understanding, I suddenly feel a bit more free. The freedom to feel what is real.
mama bird notes:
Contributing mama Daphne Biener’s kindergartner is coming home in tears because of… art class. Say what?! Click on contributing mamas to find out who’s causing all the trouble.
I mean, how long has been since I’ve done a giveaway?! Too long mama birdies. So this week I am giving away a cosmetic brush travel set ($45 value) from Design Brushes. Includes 6 essential brushes including a powder brush, shadow brush and angled liner. Because I think you deserve something new in that makeup bag. To enter, just leave a comment this week on the mama bird diaries and I’ll randomly choose a winner. Thanks ladies.