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If you strive for marital bliss, I would not attempt to put up or take down a Christmas tree with your spouse.

Now I’m married to a nice Jewish boy whose parents told him to marry for love and I’m pretty sure that was code for “find a nice Jewish girl” but instead he found me.

Which means every year he must contend with a Christmas tree.

Now lucky for you 2-year-old Chase blogged about our efforts to put up the tree.

But someone actually has to take the thing down too. I thought about taking the tree down before our Christmas trip to Memphis but then thought a browning, dried out tree was so festive that I just had to keep it up.

We came back to find about 1 million pine needles on the floor.

I enjoyed having the tree up on New Years almost as much as I enjoyed hearing Kathy Griffin say to Anderson Cooper on CNN, “I’m going to tickle your sac.” See, you miss good television if you have fancy New Year’s plans. Maybe next year you’ll remember to stay home.

But the day after New Year’s, I looked at that sad tree and thought, it’s over. While Rick was bathing the twins, I took off the lights and whatever ornaments were left from Chase’s evergreen assault which really weren’t a lot (man, boys like to throw sh*t) and then I attempted to wrap the tree in a big sheet.

Now everyone knows that wrapping a tree in a big sheet is an excellent way to prevent pine needles from carpeting your home.  But then I inadvertently spilled the water from the tree stand. Who knew there was still water in there?! I hadn’t filled that thing since mid December.

I tried to drag the tree out the door but this was a fat tree and I couldn’t really do it myself so I lovingly called upstairs, “Rick, can you help me with something really quick?”

Now apparently, Rick was thinking I needed help opening a jar or something and seemed none to pleased to come down the stairs and find our Christmas tree half wrapped on the carpet with pine needles sprayed across the living room.

And then I got pissy because I had already taken off the lights, removed the ornaments and the stand and only needed his help to remove the tree carcass from our lair so why wasn’t he grateful and appreciative?!

And then we started squabbling but realized we needed to stop because we do agree on one thing – it’s not a good idea to argue in front of a fat pine tree.

We finally shoved that thing outside but not before the sheet fell off and we coated our home with 10 trillion pine needles. We couldn’t decide whether it would be less work to clean it up or just move out but we finally started sweeping and dust busting.

Days later, there are still a few pine needles scattered about, a beautiful reminder of the Christmas season. We threw away our tree stand too because it’s positively awful and I know we won’t get a new one until we have no other options.

So look forward to next year’s holiday post, “Where the Hell is My Tree Stand?! I Can’t Find It Anywhere.”

22 Responses to christmas trees may not help your marriage

  • Lauren says:

    We normally have a similar experience although the past few years we put a tree bag under the tree and just pull it up when we need to move it out. However, this year our tree had a quick exit because it was infested with mite eggs and after a few weeks inside in the heat, they thought it was spring and hatched. I woke up to a dusty brownish red coating to our tree skirt. I calmly called my husband to help me and I too think he thought it was something simple, instead he had to haul a fully decorated tree outside immediately!! This memory needs to fade before next year!

  • Sharon W says:

    Maybe next year yup’ll go back to the $80 fancy tree from the farm. Instead of the $30 bargain from Home Depot. It was probably half dead when you got it, hence the massive needle dropping. I truly believe you get what you pay for. Happy New Year.

  • I grew up with a real tree with real candles every year.
    When I ‘adulted’ I bought a plastic one for my teeny flat… I have never returned to the real tree, even though we’re in a rather large townhouse now. I have distant memories of a collection of red dried out spikey bushes piling up at the bottom of the garden.
    Our tree gets shoved back in the cupboard in the first weekend of January. Mostly. It took a year for me to remove the decoration off one of my paintings (I put it in the cupboard two days ago!!).

  • Jordana says:

    I know super-organized you probably alrwau has written “buy new tree stand” in your 2013 planner for December.

  • bitsy says:

    I guess this means I have to take my tree down. It’s kind of humiliating when the pregnant lady with 4 little kids has hers down and cleaned up before me.

  • ErinB says:

    we got our lovely tree at a beautiful tree farm and paid a silly amount of money and watered it every day…yet every time the kids touched the tree it RAINED needles…for the entire month of December. This was the first year that I understood the desire for a fake tree….brutal.

  • Helen says:

    We used to have one when I was little. We had a kind charles spaniel. We used to work out when to pull the tree down by the quantity of pin needles stuck to the dogs ears. When we got tired of pulling them off it was time for the tree to go!

  • beachgirl says:

    SO funny and so glad to know that I am not the only mom with a boy who loves to throw s*it!!! Seriously its becoming increasingly obvious to me how completely different my son is wired to my daughter – if I didn’t have to clean up after his destruction every day it might even be fascinating!

  • Princess Judy says:

    I am deathly allergic to pine trees and every year as a child I would get this lecture from my mother (parent of the year nominee) about how we had to had this cruddy fake tree all because of me and it was all my fault and yadda yadda yadda (and she wonders why I hate Christmas as an adult). But seriously, look at all this trouble I saved her!!!!

  • Chortling. And I’d like to you to know that my mother once left our Christmas tree up until March. LITERALLY. My father would complain, she would come back with “buy me some furniture and i’ll take it down” and he would counter with “fine, leave it up, but do you really have to light it every night?”

  • Bryn says:

    This sounds similar to my experience this year. Getting the tree out of the house required loppers, a small sledgehammer, and being willing to listen to my husband say, “This is why men hate Christmas” over and over. I think he’s hoping I’ve learned my lesson about choosing large trees, but I’m pretty sure I haven’t.

  • luvmypeanut says:

    We had a friend who took a chainsaw……yes a chainsaw…indoors…..to his. Set off the fire alarms and apparently the fire department showed up as well.

    His wife did not ask for a live tree the following year. Oh dear I think I just gave your husband a plan……….

  • MommyTime says:

    Buy a new tree stand now, while they’re all on 75% off, and put it with the stockings and ornaments. Then, next year, when you have an infant and too much to do to decorate, and are over-tired and in need of holiday cheer (preferably in the form of a merlot I.V.) you’ll feel completely on top of things when you realize that you bought your tree stand ELEVEN MONTHS in advance.

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kelcey kintner