another guest post by my 2-year-old son

By 2-year-old Chase

It’s been awhile since I’ve written. Mostly because there was a lot of backlash from my last post. I can’t help it if my mom can’t handle the truth. She told me I was never allowed to guest post again but I think that means she’s open to the idea.

Plus, a labradoodle could figure out her password. Anyway, she just went upstairs to “work” which obviously means “nap” so I figured I’d bang this thing out.

I had to write because you should have seen my mom and dad trying to get a Christmas tree this past weekend. My dad is such a trooper because he’s Jewish and it’s not like he drags her around menorah shopping each year.

Last year, we went to this fancy nursery and spent like $85 on a Christmas tree. This year, they kept mumbling something about the economy and belt tightening and all of a sudden a $30 tree from Home Depot was jolly enough. Fine by me because it means more money for new toys that I can dump on the playroom floor and/or throw at my sisters. (That’s what toys are for, right? I never read the instructions.)

My favorite part was when the tree guy used a chainsaw to cut off part of the stump. That is a dream job right there. When I meet with my guidance counselor in 14 years, I’m totally putting that on my possible professions list.

We brought the tree home and that’s when the real fun began because those two knuckleheads (aka mom and dad) could not get that tree straight. They had this conversation about 16 times…

“It’s not straight,” mom said.

“How about now?” dad said as he adjusted the stand.

“Now it’s worse. You need to readjust the whole tree,” she responded.

“I’m trying. Our stand sucks. How about now?”

“It’s better. Maybe. Actually worse.”

They finally did get it sort of semi straight but as soon as they walked in the kitchen, I gave that thing a little push and it tilted right over. You should have seen my mom’s face when she saw it.

Whoa. Watch your language mom. There are children here.

The tree has only been up a few days and I’ve already broken 3 ornaments. Christmas is so awesome. Meanwhile, my parents are still madly searching all over the place for this water tray my 1 1/2 year-old cousin stole from the fridge door. I totally dared him to do it and I gotta hand it to the kid, he didn’t hesitate.

Now my parents can’t find it anywhere. Between you and me, it’s wedged behind the stove. They’ll totally find it the day after they buy a new one.

We still need to finish decorating the tree but my mom says it’s too difficult with “the twins” around. I hate when she lumps me together with my sister like that. We are TWO people mom. You are supposed to be nurturing our individual selves!! It would not hurt that woman to read a parenting book or two.

Thankfully, they still haven’t pulled out that creepy Elf on a Shelf yet. Like it’s not scary enough that some fat guy with a beard is going to wedge himself down my chimney on Christmas eve. Now I gotta try to sleep at night knowing that weird overpriced elf is flying around my house.  Man, who ever came up with that thing is a marketing genius. I need a big idea like that. So I can get rich and get out of this house.

By the way, did you hear that my mom is having a baby? One more mouth to feed. Guess that means we are getting a $15 tree next year.  I’m sure it will be a beauty.

mama bird notes:

Do you know that The Mama Bird Diaries was just named one of Babble’s top 100 Mom Blogs? Probably mostly due to a handsome lad named Chase. (Yeah, me.) Until my next post, xo Chase