I know this might be a very unpopular stance but I’m just going to say it. And please please don’t judge me.
I enjoyed the winter break with my children. I really did. The kids stayed in their pajamas for most of the day. Well, until it was time for them to change into fresh ones for bed. We’re not animals around here.
I didn’t spend my days herding kids constantly in and out of cars, pulling children out of car seats before the first bell, trying to stuff them into their leotards after school. I don’t even know what we did since it was just a long PJ blur. I’m pretty sure there was some ice skating and feeding ducks and trips to the candy store. Some “High School Musical” and “Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs.” There was finger paint and make-your-own bracelets and Christmas cookies with ingredients that can still be found in the corners of my kitchen floor.
The daily clean-up was aggressive. But it felt nice to rush less and have nowhere to be.
When the vacation craziness hit the god damn fan.
I was sick. Rick was tired. Summer could not stop whining. Dylan could not stop crying. The babies just hung out acting like adorable babies. So we decided to get everyone out of the house. They were stir crazy. Too many days inside. It was time to get some fresh mall air.
As soon as we hit the mall, Summer was hungry. I know because she told me 32 times.
But offers of crackers and almonds were rebuffed. This was a hunger that apparently could only be satisfied with white flour baked goods like doughnuts and cake. No such items were bought. The whining continued.
They didn’t want to go back to school.
They didn’t want to go to swimming after school.
They were upset that Matthew Perry’s eyes look so puffy in promos for his new show.
They were so super duper hungry.
As soon as we got home, I made dinner.
And Summer, the girl who was starving to death somewhere between Macy’s and Abercrombie & Fitch, didn’t eat it. At least, not in normal human time. A minuscule piece of hotdog grazed her lips about every 14 minutes.
And that’s when I knew. They way you know Matthew Perry needs an eye job. It’s time for them to go back to school.