I’m still getting used to this drive your car all the time thing in the suburbs.
The other day I’m driving and my phone rings. I see it’s my friend Julie who recently moved to Minneapolis. Julie was one of my awesome mom friends from the city. One of those friends you can turn to and say…
“Oh my god. I’m so bloated. I totally look pregnant. If anyone asks if I’m pregnant today, I’m going to freak. Make sure everyone at our preschool knows that I’m not pregnant, just severely bloated. And this thong is so far up my ass. It’s killing me. And I’m so tired. Summer would not go to sleep last night. I once again learned that if you tell a child to stop crying, it doesn’t actually make her stop crying. In fact, she cries harder. Why can’t I ever seem to learn that?! Damn, this thong is annoying. Anyway, how are you?”
I miss seeing Julie every day.
So anyway, she calls and I pick up. Even though I don’t have a hands-free device.
And then I see the police officer.
And then he sees me.
And he mouths, “Hang up the phone.”
It was kind of like watching the US Open and seeing Serena get all pissy at the line judge and you can’t hear what she’s saying but suddenly you can easily read her lips. And you’re like holy crap… Did Serena just threaten to shove that ball down that judge’s throat? Wow, tennis is so fun to watch.
So I read the officer’s lips. That sounds perverted. But it was totally platonic.
And I immediately hang up the phone.
But then he starts following me.
Did I mention he’s on a bike?
So I’m not sure if I should pull over. Or drive more quickly because how fast can this guy actually pedal? But maybe he’s the Lance Armstrong of the local police force. I’m new in this town. How the heck do I know?
He keeps following me. Does he want me to pull over? Wouldn’t he give me some kind of hand signal or prop a siren up on those handle bars?
I’m strategizing my next move when I realize I’m home. It’s a small town. I pull into the driveway and he’s suddenly gone. Where the hell did he go?
I do a little jazzy “no ticket” dance.
And then ask my husband to sync the blue tooth on my phone to our car.
As for my officer, I can only imagine he pedaled off to fight other Westchester crime.