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I’m still getting used to this drive your car all the time thing in the suburbs.

The other day I’m driving and my phone rings.  I see it’s my friend Julie who recently moved to Minneapolis.  Julie was one of my awesome mom friends from the city.  One of those friends you can turn to and say…

“Oh my god. I’m so bloated. I totally look pregnant. If anyone asks if I’m pregnant today, I’m going to freak.  Make sure everyone at our preschool knows that I’m not pregnant, just severely bloated. And this thong is so far up my ass. It’s killing me. And I’m so tired. Summer would not go to sleep last night. I once again learned that if you tell a child to stop crying, it doesn’t actually make her stop crying. In fact, she cries harder. Why can’t I ever seem to learn that?!  Damn, this thong is annoying. Anyway, how are you?”

I miss seeing Julie every day.

So anyway, she calls and I pick up.  Even though I don’t have a hands-free device.

And then I see the police officer.

And then he sees me.

And he mouths, “Hang up the phone.”

It was kind of like watching the US Open and seeing Serena get all pissy at the line judge and you can’t hear what she’s saying but suddenly you can easily read her lips. And  you’re like holy crap… Did Serena just threaten to shove that ball down that judge’s throat? Wow, tennis is so fun to watch.

So I read the officer’s lips. That sounds perverted. But it was totally platonic.

And I immediately hang up the phone.

But then he starts following me.

Did I mention he’s on a bike?

So I’m not sure if I should pull over. Or drive more quickly because how fast can this guy actually pedal? But maybe he’s the Lance Armstrong of the local police force. I’m new in this town. How the heck do I know?

He keeps following me. Does he want me to pull over? Wouldn’t he give me some kind of hand signal or prop a siren up on those handle bars?

I’m strategizing my next move when I realize I’m home.  It’s a small town. I pull into the driveway and he’s suddenly gone. Where the hell did he go?

I do a little jazzy “no ticket” dance.

And then ask my husband to sync the blue tooth on my phone to our car.

As for my officer, I can only imagine he pedaled off  to fight other Westchester crime.

37 Responses to an officer and a lady

  • Kathy says:

    You are lucky, my daughter was pulled over while riding her bike talking on her cell phone in the bike lane mind you. The German police read her the riot act and threaten to give her a 50 euro fine, she is on notice! I love friends like your Julie…I miss real friends like that .

  • scrappysue says:

    i love lip-reading – i wish i was better at it! what does synching lue tooth to your phone do? allow hands-free?

    our no talkin’ on the phone law comes into effect on nov 1st

  • Stoneskin says:

    Hilarious, and I bet he was exhausted after trying to keep up. Actually I don’t know this, is it illegal to drive using the phone over there like it is here? He probably wasn’t bothered about the phone, maybe it was the thong that he was bothered about…

  • MN Mama says:

    Funny post! I think you should come to visit Julie. I miss you too! I would love to see you. I hope Julie is feeling welcome here. I know the first few years can be a little rough.

  • smilinggreenmom says:

    We were just in NY for the first time and were shocked to see this law! Yea, we in the midwest still drive our tractors without the hands free device. LOL *Good law though

  • Robyn says:

    Glad you didn’t get a ticket! I once got pulled over by a cop ON FOOT. He pointed to the side of the road and I pulled over. Never occurred to me that he couldn’t have outrun my car!

  • misty says:

    a cop on a bike. I wonder if his dream is everything he hoped- or does he go home and turn on CSI- NY and curl into the fetal position- crying himself to sleep…

  • mayberry says:

    I just found out this a.m. that cops in my town give kids Dairy Queen coupons if they see them riding bikes with helmets. So maybe they need to pass out Starbucks coupons for moms who DON’T talk on the phone!

  • hokgardner says:

    I love the idea of the cop following you in a high speed chase.

    I got out of a ticket this summer by admitting that I had been speeding when the police officer pulled me over. He said, “I’m not giving you a ticket because you confessed. I don’t get that very often.”

  • Amber says:

    I’m really happy they actually *kinda* enforce the hands-free only law there! In NJ it just seems like a joke. Take a ride on the Turnpike or Parkway…and half the people you pass are on the phone (and driving like morons).

    I’m guilty once in a while, but at least I have the decency to use speakerphone and hold my cell down where cops can’t see it 😛

  • rimarama says:

    Those poor bike cops, they can’t get no respect!

    I once got pulled over while pushing a stroller, by an actual cop car. In my defense, it was a quiet side street, and I was only going like 5 mph.

  • Miranda says:

    I put my phone on speaker as soon as I see a cop, and drop the phone in my lap for a second. Then I pick it up and steer with the phone in my hand. I don’t have blue tooth in my car, my mom does and it creeps me out…it turns everything down for her before the call goes through or when a call comes in. CREEPY!

  • Diane says:

    I’m very convicted by this law – and those enforcement officers swon to uphold such laws. Why just this week, I was driving down the Capital of TX Highway and passed a cop – doing a cool 10 MPH below the limit. Was he tooling for speeders? No, he was reading his email on his hand held PDA. I feel so much safer now.

  • Meredith says:

    I gotta say, I love the Bluetooth that hooks through my car. I love that it turns down whatever I’m listening to and shows me who’s calling. I can then decide whether or not I want to take said call. I think I would hate a Bluetooth ear thingy more.

  • Aunt Marcia (Guess Whose?) says:

    Did you look UNDER YOUR CAR when you pulled into the driveway? Maybe the cop-on-the-bike was following too closely and got sucked under by suction…Cops don’t usually give women tickets if you smile/confess/are young or old/pretty/have kids in the car/start crying/apologize…Men act like jerks when the cop stops them, they’re always ‘arguing, having a pissing contest with the cop, or deny anything wrong happened’. For the record, my gorgeous friend Delia in the passenger seat; talked the cop out of giving me a ticket in L.A. (doing 80 on the Freeway)..flashed her blue eyes at him, pointed her boobs in his direction and apologized for me…’and it will never happen again officer’…

  • Ann says:


    thanks for the reminder of myself in a thong when I actually was pretty. Those straps just plain disappeared in my girth. I think thnog would be a more appropriate name.

  • MommyTime says:

    I think it’s hilarious that you actually thought seriously about whether you could outpace a bike-cop.

    Also, having been MIA for two weeks and now catching up, I have to give you a big shout-out for this: “Because if you have kids and you’ve finally gotten them to bed (after multiple books, songs, trips to the bathroom, one more sip of water, another kiss, another hug and please just one more song), then why would you turn on the TV to watch someone else’s crying, whining children?! Didn’t you just get rid of yours?” I could not agree with you more!

  • That’s gonna bug me all night…how DO bike-cops handle pull-overs or do you get a pass because dude knows there’s no way he’s gonna outrun your mommobile- whatever kind it might be.

    We have lots and lots of bike cops around here. I’m seriously going to go up to one of them and ask what happens. Oh and like, where do they stick their radar guns.

    Ya know, I’ve thought about it for a whole 5 seconds and I’d like to know just what the hell IS the point of a bike cop? To pull over JAYWALKERS maybe?

  • Dad Gift says:

    Great post, I had this fantastic mental picture in my head of Mr. Warning-mouthing police officer pedaling as fast as he could to give you a ticket for talking on your cell phone. Thanks! 🙂

kelcey kintner