I’m STILL recovering from surgery. I know, this post surgery thing is really glamorous! For the past four weeks, my dad has sent me the same text almost every day. It goes like this…
“You are one day closer to full recovery. xo” Here’s an example…
(He wasn’t really in Australia). But see what I mean?
So here is the 4 week evolution of my reaction to this daily text…
- Aww… that’s so sweet. My dad is awesome.
- How nice that he keeps checking in. I’m healing papa!
- A little redundant but the sentiment is so loving.
- Wow, same text. Is this a senior thing?
- Okay, he’s messing with me.
- The emotional distress from receiving the same text every day is hampering the healing process. (I think. I’m not a doctor.)
- On the upside, he definitely knows how to cut and paste!
- How do I make him stop?!
- By saying the same thing to me every day, is he doing an impersonation of my 4 year old son Chase?
- Please make him stop. I’ll just tell him I’m healed.
- Okay, I’m changing my number.
In other news, all I wanted for Valentine’s Day was to get the light dimmer in our bathroom to stop humming. Obviously, it’s not world peace but it’s something.
My husband Rick sent the electrician this blog post to motivate him to get to our house and actually install a new dimmer. And like they say, the third dimmer was…
the one that hummed the loudest! (I think that’s the saying.)
Next year, I’m asking for world peace.
Although Rick also sent me gorgeous flowers and left his nail clippings in the sink so I can’t really say the fake holiday was a loss.
Finally, as you may know… I’m co-hosting a Twitter party on Monday night for Luvs Diapers & Wipes! Please join me and you could win some money!! It’s next Monday night, 9 pm EST and we are giving away $500 in gift cards plus diapers. Yahoo!! Thanks Luvs! If you want more info, check out this post here. #AD
A certain award show is coming up on Sunday and I am so excited that Tiny Fey and Amy Poehler are hosting! Wait, what? It’s Doogie Howser? I’ll miss the comedy wonder twins but it’s always good to have a doctor in the house.
I was looking over the award categories and I just see a few that are missing. I mean, best actor and best actress are important for sure but where are the parenting awards? Surely we deserve a few awards for all we do, right?
Here are some of the missing categories…
Best Footwear goes to the parent who arrived at her destination with all the kids actually wearing shoes.
Best Supporting Footwear goes to the parent who arrived with one kid not wearing shoes but quickly built temporary footwear out of Goldfish bags, the binding of an old Elmo book and crayon wrappers.
Best Use of a Hat goes to the parent who was actually able to keep their toddler’s hat on in 15 degree weather.
Best Supporting Use of a Hat goes to the parent who couldn’t keep the hat on but when scolded by strangers for not keeping their child warm, resisted the urge to yell at them about minding their own business and instead muttered it under their breath.
Best at Not Losing Their Mind goes to the parent whose kid asked the same question 17 times in a 4 minute period and answered the question all 17 times.
Best Supporting at Not Losing Their Mind goes to the parent who answered 15 times before finally shouting, “STOP ASKING ME THE SAME QUESTION. I’M GOING TO HAVE A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN!!!”
Best Use of TV goes to the parent who felt no guilt when letting their toddler (under two) watch TV so they could take a shower in peace.
Best Supporting Use of TV goes to the parent got a kid who had no interest in TV to finally sit down and watch 22 minutes of children’s programming so they could take a shower in peace.
Best Prepared goes to the parent who remembered the diaper bag.
Best Supporting Prepared goes to the parent who remembered the diaper bag, even though it contained no diapers. But at least it had a pair of broken sunglasses, a snow globe and a pair of fuzzy dice.
Best Embarasser goes to the parent who danced wildly to a 90’s pop hit while their horrified teen and her friends looked on at a family party.
Best Supporting Embarasser goes to the parent who sang loudly at every traffic light with the windows down while their teen sat in the passenger seat.
Best at Ignoring Rude Behavior goes to the parent who pretended not to notice their teen’s constant eye rolling.
Best Supporting at Ignoring Rude Behavior goes to the parent who ignored it for awhile and then finally said, “Stop rolling your eyes or else they will get stuck like that. It’s true. Look it up on that fancy Internet you like so much.”
Best Obsessor goes to the parent who worried about their kid’s pacifier addiction for an entire year.
Best Supporting Obsessor goes to the parent who obsessed over the thread count of their kid’s crib sheets for 3 months.
Best Clean Kid Award goes to the parent who got their toddler into the bath after a 15 minute tantrum by promising he could eat a piece of chocolate cake in the tub.
Best Supporting Clean Kid Award goes to the parent who finally got their tween boy to shower after 3 days of soccer games with the promise he wouldn’t have to shower for another 3 days.
I’m not the only one coming up with parenting awards today! Check out Ann’s Rants and Robin’s Chicks. This is all part of a sponsored post for the fabulous Luvs’ diapers. And we are also hosting a Twitter party next Monday night, 9 pm EST where we are giving away up to $500 in gift cards and diapers. Yahoo!! Thanks Luvs! So put it on your calendar and you can tell us what parenting award you deserve!
Meanwhile check out this new video from Luvs in honor of the award season…
Rules for Participation in the #LuvsAwards Twitter Party:
To win, you must follow @Luvs and participate at least once (via reply and/or RT) in the #LuvsAwards party on 02/23/15 at 9 pm ET.
Winners will be chosen randomly by @robinobryant, @mamabirddiaries and @annrants during the party and notified via direct message and will receive a $100 gift card and Luvs diapers/wipes.
By participating you give @Luvs permission to direct message you.
Only 1 prize per person.
Winners must be 18 years or older.
Valid to US residents only.
Did you hear that Katy Perry and Kelly Osbourne are pregnant?
The Twitter universe spotted a slight belly on Katy Perry at the Grammy’s and oh my gosh, she even touched her stomach!
And Kelly is apparently with child too!
Just like Jennifer Aniston has been pregnant 500 times!
I have a thought. Maybe she’s not pregnant – since I’ve never seen her with 500 kids. Maybe the elastic on her spanks got a little stretched out. Maybe she had her period. Maybe she was slouching in an unflattering way. Maybe she was bloated. Maybe it wasn’t the best dress for her. Maybe she had one too many tacos for dinner because they were AMAZING or maybe like most of us, she doesn’t have a washboard stomach.
It would be super fabulous if we didn’t assume every female celebrity is pregnant just because they haven’t been on a juice cleanse for six days.
And if all these female celebs are pregnant, then I guess Russell Crowe is too…
And so is Jason Biggs…
And Clint Eastwood…
They all have the cutest baby bumps! I wonder if they are discussing baby names yet?!
Back in October, actress Jennifer Garner read about her baby bump in the tabloids.
And she confirmed on The Ellen DeGeneres Show that there was indeed a baby bump.
“I am not pregnant, but I’ve had three kids and there is a ‘bump.’ From now on ladies, I will have a ‘bump’ and it will be my ‘baby bump’ and let’s just all settle in and get used to it, it’s not going anywhere.”
Yup, you tell them Jennifer.
Here’s how you can tell if a celebrity is really pregnant. Their bellies will get bigger and bigger until a baby comes out. When you see a photo of an adorable baby on Instagram with an unusual name like Toyota or Pomegranate or Sunshine Mania, then the celeb was indeed pregnant.
At the time this post was published, none of the following people are actually pregnant:
I’m not really a sit back and do nothing kind of girl. In fact, I seriously super suck at doing nothing. Which is why recovering from abdominal surgery has been an unhappy time for me.
Now almost three weeks out, I was making progress until I pushed myself too far and I don’t want to blame anyone but…
this kid might have had something to do with it.
So I’ve been a bit tortured by the pain again. I’m dealing with it by obsessively watching “The Good Wife.” I’m now on Season 2 and still waiting for Alicia to throw her hair back in a ponytail. How can you wear your hair down and an Ann Taylor suit every moment of your life?! But I love the show so whoever recommended it, you’re awesome.
Please no “Good Wife” spoilers. Well, you can tell me if she ever wears a ponytail.
I’ve also been clicking on ridiculous links like… “80s Stars You Won’t Recognize Today.” And they aren’t kidding. Remember Kelly McGillis from “Top Gun?”
This is her today…
Say what?! Would you ever recognize her? I’m thinking it might really be Annie Lennox.
Things have not be easy for my husband Rick. He’s had to handle the bulk of the kids, the house, and his job. But he seems to be okay. Except for when I found him googling “boarding schools for toddlers.” Apparently they don’t exist. Which is ridiculous.
So while you’re mulling over the possibility of starting the Princeton Academy for High Spirited Toddlers, you can also find me here…
I’m talking about school uniforms on Alpha Mom. Are uniforms the devil or our savior?!
And on Lifetime moms, I’m writing about a barbershop that will give an old man haircut to naughty kids. Definitely funny. Definitely public humiliation.
I don’t understand this constant effort to polarize moms against each other. There are the working moms vs. the stay at home moms. The good moms vs the bad moms. And the helicopter moms vs. the free range moms. The moms who cried during the Parenthood series finale and the ones who didn’t (okay, maybe no one is talking about that.)
The problem with this effort to put moms in boxes and pit them against each other is that most moms don’t fit easily into any of these categories and we also don’t have much interest in attacking each other. Or at least I don’t.
I know moms who work outside the home. I know ones who don’t. But a lot of mothers I know do some combination of both. Some moms make Pinterest worthy organic gourmet cupcakes for playdates and some put out a bag of pretzels for the kids. The way I see it – both are fantastic options because my kid is at your house having fun. So I’m just grateful you invited her over.
And then the helicopter moms vs. the free range moms. Which are you? Probably neither – right? Do I need to watch my children every second of their existence? No. Would I let them take a Greyhound bus alone to Atlantic City? Unlikely. Like you – I’m somewhere in between.
I know my children’s capabilities. I know what they are comfortable doing. I know what I’m comfortable letting them do. Parenthood is a process of letting go, giving my children more and more freedom until they are ready to tackle this crazy world on their own – with the hopes of them someday finding me an assisted living facility with a sushi bar and a wine happy hour.
Silently judge a mom and I promise – you’ll probably end up in her shoes one day. I remember when my first daughter was a toddler. I watched a mom literally use her own hat as a tissue to blow her kid’s nose. I mean, OMG gross. Throw a packet of tissues in your diaper bag! Stop in a bathroom and grab some toilet paper!
But don’t use your hat to wipe your kid’s nose.
Yeah, well… fast forward and I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had my kids’ snot on my own clothing. Because who the hell remembers to keep tissues in their diaper bag? In fact, I haven’t even seen that diaper bag for weeks. We are all doing the best we can here.
Instead of judging another mom – maybe learn a little something from her. The mom with the fantastic shoes at the playground probably knows where to find the most comfortable wedges ever. I bet the mom who bakes those gourmet cupcakes knows a super fast recipe that anyone could handle. And the mom who has 5 children probably knows a great way to get kids of all ages doing chores. I swear, I do.
We need to have compassion and respect for other people’s choices. I’m not a good mom and you aren’t a bad mom. We are moms who are doing what we can to raise thoughtful, amazing children who will make this world into a more creative, beautiful place.