When I was a kid, I didn’t want a dog like so many of my friends.
Mostly because we already had one.
What I wanted was a monkey.
This was not a passing phase.
I adored that Every Which Way But Loose movie.
I was obsessed with the work of Jane Goodall.
I had a million stuffed monkeys.
And I can still make a monkey sound that would win competitions if they held monkey sound competitions.
My childhood longing for a monkey would only be equaled one day by my teenage desire for a Suzuki Jeep.
I never got either which is so sad. Especially because can you imagine how damn cool I would have been driving around in my Suzuki Jeep with a monkey in the passenger seat?! Do monkeys wear seat belts? I don’t know! If only my parents had loved me more and bought me the things I really needed, I would know important stuff like that.
So when Samsung asked me if I would show a video that featured monkeys and their new refrigerator, it was like the universe was speaking directly to me. I love monkeys. I have a healthy respect for refrigerators. How could I say no? So here it is…
To recap the video,
That looks like a really nice fridge.
That house has the worst security system ever.
And by the way, now that I basically have 4 monkeys and one more on the way, I no longer desire one of these primates. So seriously don’t send me one.
This post is sponsored by Samsung.
I couldn’t wait to sit down and watch the Red Carpet on Oscar night. I just love the dresses and the awkward small talk and the child size celebrities fawning all over each other.
But it was sort of hard to hear the fashion commentary (did Helen Hunt just say she’s wearing H&M?) with 2-year-old Chase and 6-year-old Summer fighting over a spatula.
Because kitchen utensils are so awesome.
We put the spatula loving kids to bed and settled down for the Academy Awards.
And the host walks out and I’m like,
“Who the hell is that?”
And Rick says, “Seth MacFarlane.”
“That’s not Seth MacFarlane. That looks like some game show host.”
And Rick responds, “That’s definitely Seth MacFarlane.”
“I have no idea who that is. Oh wait. I’m confused. I thought Seth Rogen was hosting.”
And then if the Oscars weren’t already ruined, Rick starts guessing the winners and as usual, he’s right every time. As I’ve mentioned before, his Oscar picking skill is right up there with his talent of spotting a toupee from 2.3 miles away. Except Rick didn’t enter an Oscar pool because he’s “not a gambler.” Why is he afraid of mountains of money?!
Then Seth MacFarlane made some kind of eating disorder flu joke and I’m like my boy Seth Rogen would never do that.
Not long after, Catherine Zeta-Jones lip synched a musical number from the movie Chicago. Why the Chicago tribute? I do not know. Something about a 10th anniversary. But I heard Beyoncé and Milli Vanilli were pissed that someone was stealing their niche.
As the show puttered on, I knew I was losing interest because I kept saying to my husband, “What award is this?
I did momentarily perk up when Kristen Stewart turned up on stage without brushing her hair.
But then I got depressed again during the in memoriam section because I really hate that Nora Ephron is no longer around.
But on the upside, I can’t wait to incorporate the Jaws music into my daily life. Inspired by the academy awards, I now plan to play it every time I want my kids to stop talking.
And super talented Jennifer Lawrence fell while climbing up the stairs to accept her Best Actress award. But thankfully, her dress was the size of a gorgeous circus tent, and it seemed more like she was just bowing down to the Oscar gods.
She rebounded nicely.
Oh and Argo won for best picture. Maybe someday I’ll see it. I heard it’s way better than Chicago with a lot less singing.
mama bird notes:
So what else have I been doing besides watching The Oscars? Writing about extreme teen behavior on Lifetime Moms and everything you need to know about pregnancy glucose tests on Alpha Mom. That’s what.
I have been working with Luvs on their clever campaign about the difference between being a first time mom versus a second time mom. You know, the first time around you had a diaper bag the size of a steamer trunk and the second time around, you just pray you have a diaper shoved somewhere in the glove compartment.
Luvs made some very funny videos (and yes, they are truly funny!) about how you seriously relax with your second kid. Then the company hired six bloggers, including myself, to spread the word about this campaign.
So I turned my minivan into the Luvs Mobile (yes, I made a sign) and showed some local moms these videos. Now one (who will remain nameless) remarked that my minivan was surprisingly messy given how much I hate clutter in my own house. I handed her a dustbuster and told her to get to work so perhaps she’s learned a lesson about keeping mum.
Anyway, these moms had their own funny stories to tell about being a first time vs. second time mom…
And all of us moms could definitely laugh at how seriously we once took first time motherhood…
And thanks to Luvs, you can win six months of free diapers!! That’s money you can spend on wine or candy or Ryan Gosling posters. Your choice! You’ll win coupons, so feel free to give to a friend if you are out of the diaper stage.
To enter, just check out some of Luvs’ first kid/second kid videos and tell me what advertising spot you think the company should make next.
We will pick the winners on February 28th! Good luck.
We’ve been vacationing in Florida and a relative was impressed that our twins (who will be 3 in May) are potty trained.
And my husband responded, “Yeah, they pretty much potty trained themselves.”
And he was completely serious.
But in his defense, I guess that’s accurate if your definition of “training themselves” is….
1. Transitioning them into pull ups.
2. Used M&M’s (before my red dye epiphany) to encourage them to use the potty.
3. Getting rid of the M&M’s after it turned them into screaming dictators who constantly demanded candy.
4. Introducing big high fives and the potty dance as a reward instead.
5. Transitioning them into underwear.
6. Constantly taking them to the bathroom and reminding them at all times, “YOU ARE WEARING UNDERWEAR.”
7. Having them poop in their underwear anyway.
8. Having Chase accidentally poop on a friend’s rug.
9. Having them refuse to use the potty for no rational reason.
10. Having them try to clean out the potty themselves.
11. Transitioning them to a regular toilet because we can’t bear to clean out those little potties anymore.
12. Having them fight over who gets to flush the toilet.
13. Plunging the toilet at least once a day because of excessive use of toilet paper when I wasn’t paying enough attention to them.
14. Finally realizing one day that they were somehow potty trained.
So yeah, I guess they sort of did it themselves.
Location: Frozen yogurt store
When we first got to Florida, my husband and I went out for frozen yogurt one night. A guy came into the place yelling like crazy. I assumed he was going to take out a shotgun (because I’m an optimist) but he never did.
He was outraged that the yogurt place didn’t have the television on during the President’s state of the union address.
“WHY IS THE TV OFF?!!! THE PRESIDENT IS SPEAKING! HOW CAN YOU SHUT THE TV OFF WHEN THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES IS SPEAKING. I’M NEVER COMING TO THIS PLACE AGAIN. EVER. WE MIGHT AS WELL BE IN ARABIA,” he yelled.
But then the guy must have thought twice about how much he loved his sugar free, fat free cookies and cream soft serve yogurt because then he added…
“IF YOU PUT THE PRESIDENT ON RIGHT NOW, I’LL COME BACK HERE AGAIN.”
Turns out the yogurt manager had shut the TV off, not so much as an act of defiance against America but rather because he was closing up the store. Which I guess is sort of the same thing.
Meanwhile, Rick and I are planning to book a trip to the mysterious country of Arabia.
Location: Tennis courts
Over the weekend, my husband and I played tennis at my in-laws gated community. It doesn’t matter who won (okay it was me) or how many games I won (six) or who was pregnant (okay me) or how pregnant (six months), the point of the story is, a woman in the next court said to me…
“Did you steal something from the buffet?”
And I’m thinking, “What buffet? And why would I steal something? And how does she know about my past stealing flatware from buffets?”
And then she repeats the question and points towards my stomach.
So as a public service announcement, I encourage everyone to not say things like this to a pregnant woman. And to this woman, I encourage her to not go into stand-up comedy.
Location: Sushi restaurant
Our waitress came to our table, noticed our ice waters and said,
“Did someone bring those to you?” I had to duct tape my mouth shut to not respond, “No, we brought the glasses of ice water from home.”
When we asked for chopsticks and napkins she responded,
“You need place settings?” Again, duct tape needed.
And when she accidentally brought me a piece of tuna sashimi instead of salmon sashimi, she told me she needed the tuna back before she could bring me the right order. And then she just stood there waiting.
I tried to explain that I didn’t want to hand her my entire plate because I was eating the rest of my food. And placing the piece of tuna in her hand seemed somewhat awkward.
She responded, “I need the tuna back as proof for the sushi chefs.” (I guess they are familiar with the tuna sashimi scam that’s sweeping the nation.)
She finally brought me a plate for the tuna so I could hand it over to her.
On the upside, I got my salmon sashimi and she has been cast as the recurring role of the ditzy waitress on a 90′s sitcom.
mama bird notes:
Ever wondered how to get your kids out the door to school without yelling?! Yes, it’s really possible. Click here to read my piece on Alpha Mom and please share your best ideas!