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Apr
03
2013

I knew it was April Fools’ Day on Monday which is why I helped Dylan and Summer get dressed quickly so they could sneak back into their beds and pretend to be all sleepy and lazy when their dad came in.

I lured him into their bedroom saying, “Dylan isn’t feeling well. The girls are still in bed. Can you check on them?”

And once he arrived, they jumped out of bed with gusto, fully dressed and laughing.

He later tried to get them back by pretending to go to work in nothing but shorts and socks. But they knew it was his day off and they were too focused on breakfast to even give him a courtesy laugh. I chuckled a little because the effort was totally there.

Not long after, Dylan, Summer and I got stuck in the bathroom. I was getting ready and they were complaining about the dreaded act of going back to school after vacation.  Dylan decided to table her moaning for just a few minutes so she could put on earrings in her bedroom. She attempted to leave the bathroom but when she turned the door handle, it fell off and we couldn’t get out.

Thank goodness for phones! If this was 1973, we’d be stuck in there for 2 days with only water and the floor warmer to keep us alive.

Rick was right downstairs which would have been very convenient if he had answered his cell phone or the home phone or noticed texts like this one…

“We are stuck in bathroom! Not April Fools. Why are you not answering phone?!!!!”

He finally did respond with some kind of ridiculous, “I was reading to the twins” excuse.

With that trauma behind me, I started reading one of my favorite blogs and my friend Wendi Aarons revealed that she had written and self published an erotica book called PTO Passion. She described her literary endeavor…

PTO PASSION is the hot, spicy tale of PTO President Raquella Roberts who falls hard for the mysterious, hunky owner of the dunk tank she rented for the school carnival. I don’t want to give too much of the plot away, but just know that there’s an amazingly torrid scene between Raquella and Wet Tommy that involves yoga pants, clipboards and the back of a dented Honda minivan. (HOT.)”

And I emailed Wendi, “Are we friends? You write an entire book and don’t mention it to me?!” And then I’m scouring the post for the Amazon link but of course there isn’t one because it’s a joke.

I mean, she even wrote “Gotcha” at the bottom of the post but I somehow missed that in my earnest desire to find out what happens between Raquella and Wet Tommy.

And now of course, I’ll never know. The way I see it, Wendi owes me a book.

And she should throw in a new doorknob just to be nice.

mama bird notes:

Have you seen the trailer for Spring Breakers? Spoiler alert… some Disney stars shed their good girl images as fast as their clothes. Read my post on Lifetime Moms.


Apr
01
2013

Vacation week is OVER and well, it was actually pretty great.

I realized I’m turning a corner with my twins turning 3 soon and I can finally take all 4 of my kids to public places by myself without having an anxiety attack.  It’s going to be a whole new world for us — oh wait, forgot about the baby coming. Never mind.

We really did have a good week.

I mean, other than Harlowe accidentally getting her head stuck in an Easter bucket for a few tense minutes.

Harlowe stuck in bucket

It happened at an Easter egg hunt. It was held at this gorgeous retirement community and we brought my dad. He was a little concerned that “Easter egg hunt” was an euphemism for “You are about to be admitted against your will to this assisted living facility” but I reassured him that we could never afford the place. He can live out his golden years in our basement because we take care of family.

I also got pink eye which sort of sucked. And no, you can’t get it from this post. I’m pretty sure I got it from bad karma as I explain on Alpha Mom.

Pink eye meant no eye make up and no contact lenses all week. Obviously, I already feel enormously alluring at 32 weeks pregnant, so this only heightened my incredible sex appeal.

And it was at one of these moments – when I was wearing no makeup and glasses – that I ran into a local mom who rarely notices my existence in the world.

Do you know one of these moms?! They know you but they pretend not to know know you. Why do they do that?!

Normally, she wouldn’t say hello but as I’ve mentioned my magnetic sex appeal is fully on display so I guess that’s why she stopped.

We started talking about my pregnancy and exercise and for some reason (because this not-so-friendly mom makes me nervous), I start saying… “Well, I try to walk but it’s hard because I feel like the whole time I’m walking, all I feel is VAG*NA, VAG*NA, VAG*NA….”

I was trying to explain that once you are in your third trimester, there is just so much pressure on your vag*na. But somehow I couldn’t stop saying the word. And she didn’t laugh at all which made me more nervous so I just kept repeating the word.

“Oh my gosh, why do I keep saying vag*na?!!” I thought to myself.

Finally, by the grace of god, I stopped and she said goodbye and well, that might be the end of our pretend friendship.

But other than the Harlowe stuck in an Easter bucket, the pink eye and the vag*na episode, the vacation was all good.

natural easter egg dyes

P.S. The natural easter egg dyes I ordered rocked. Great colors and no stained hands!

 


Mar
29
2013

I use the “notes” feature of my iPhone for all kinds of things… grocery lists, ideas for blog posts and articles, things I must remember to do.

So I guess my 8-year-old daughter figured it was the best place to make a list of things she wants from me and my husband Rick.

Here is her list…

Dylan's note

I mean, obviously a smoothie comes before freedom.


Mar
27
2013

You know I’m trying to avoid the artificial dyes this Easter. I can’t say too much because my 8-year-old can READ and OPEN MY COMPUTER and ACCESS MY BLOG so let’s just say the bunny is totally on board with my dye free candy plan and found some good options. If you want to know some places to buy candy without Red 40 this and Yellow 5 that, then here are some ideas.

I also asked my parents to forgo the candy. My mom is bringing books for the kids and my dad will bring cute little stuffed animals even though I have absolutely forbid him to bring anymore stuffed animals into my home. (This is the house of a hundred Build-A-Bears after all.)

eco-kids-eggs-2012-close-upI also decided this year to avoid artificial colors when it comes to dying Easter eggs. Why? Because even though my children won’t eat the colored eggs, I just wanted to go more natural. (Don’t worry, this is not a slippery slope where I am suddenly not shaving my armpits because I want to be more of the earth.)

But I am just sick of all the dyes they pump into our American children and I want to try to avoid products that have them.

First I did a little research on making my own Easter eggs dyes. It’s a very cool process but NOT for anyone who has 4 young kids, expecting a 5th and can’t manage to get the laundry folded.

But if you have a little more time and embrace the process of things (especially in the kitchen), try doing yourself! Here is how you do it.

Instead, I bought a natural Easter egg dying kit. Mostly because I’m better at pressing the “Order” button online then buying a bunch of fruits and veggies, mixing them with vinegar, boiling them, letting them cool and then soaking the eggs for at least a half hour. To buy one of these, visit a natural foods store or you can still purchase online with some rushed shipping.

But whether you do it yourself or buy a kit, keep in mind that natural Easter egg dye can stain your hands just like the artificial stuff.  Last year, my daughter Summer was traumatized by dye that would not come off.  And I tried everything.

So no matter what you do, your kid’s hands could still look like this for a bit…

summers-hands-from-easter-egg-dye

But if green hands don’t say Happy St. Patrick’s Day Happy Easter then I don’t know what does.

mama bird notes:

I want to highlight companies that are offering products WITHOUT artificial dyes. One of my kids’ favorites these days is Yoplait Trix kid yogurts. No high fructose corn syrup, artificial flavors or sweeteners. (This is not a sponsored endorsement.)

Also, have you LIKED The Mama Bird Diaries on Facebook? If you become a Facebook fan, I’ll never dye your hands green or make you shave your armpits.  CLICK HERE.


Mar
25
2013

I would show you a really cute picture of my sister and I both pregnant except every time Rick took a photo of us, we deleted it. We both agreed that we are much more adorable in person.

She was visiting with my nephew for the weekend and the two of us got a chance to take an exercise walk. And a car actually beeped at us!

“Oh my gosh, did that car just honk at us?” my sister said.

“Do they think we are sexy mamas or is there toilet paper hanging from me?” I responded.

“Actually, it’s your scarf. It’s dragging on the ground.”

“Oh.”

Neither my sister and I can come up with a suitable boy’s name. She doesn’t know what she’s having and I know I have a boy in there.

Every time Rick and I come up with a new name, he practices yelling it.

Like, “Archer! Come down for breakfast NOW!! You are going to be late for school.”

Which is exactly how we named our first daughter Dylan except instead of pretending to yell the name, we imagined her sweet adorable face in the bassinet, and whispering to her, “We love you sweet Dylan.” But I think by your 5th kid, you just practice shouting it.

Rick and I have never been very good at coming up with names that we both like.

He finally likes the name Harper for a girl which I tried to sell him on SIX YEARS AGO. So there is some lag time when it comes to us agreeing. And it’s hard not to name your baby for six years.

I try to come up with names when I’m lying awake at night. It’s really hard to sleep these days because the baby starts moving like crazy as soon as lie down. And then Dylan will have a nightmare. And then 2 1/2 year old Chase and Harlowe will have to pee during the night. At different times. And by morning, I feel like a minivan ran over me.

I said to my husband, “I can’t deal with this. I need more uninterrupted sleep!” And he responded, “Well, it’s going to be a LONG time before that happens.”

You know what? I don’t need that kind of reality-based negativity. So I explained to him that I wanted a more positive spin or else I was going to have an epic nervous breakdown.

He clearly got the message because the next time I complained about the general chaos and insanity in our house, he said, “Oh no worries honey.  Calmness is right around the corner.”

Yup. We’re just about out of the weeds. That’s what I need to believe.

mama bird notes:

My biggest pregnant regret? You can read about it here on Alpha Mom.



kelcey kintner

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