There is something about a new year that makes us all want to be better people. But of course, it’s exhausting to come up with resolutions. I mean, you haven’t even found time to fold the laundry. So I came up with some resolutions for you. Don’t feel like you have to do something for me in return. Well, if you do… I really like candy. Chocolate specifically. Happy New Year!
New Year’s Resolutions for Moms:
Decal “Hot Mama” on your minivan. Or better yet, decal “Hunk of Burning Love” on your husband’s car as a surprise.
Give money to organizations you believe in. The Ryan Gosling Shirtless Calendar Fund does not count.
Yell less. Or at least try not to yell when you are telling your kids to stop yelling.
Sit down with your children more. Clean less. Okay, clean the toilet. Because it’s seriously gross.
Start that Josh Lucas fan club you’ve been meaning to kick start since “Sweet Home Alabama” came out.
Recycle more. Bring reusable bags to the grocery store. When you forget the bags – explain to the cashier that you are super green but also super forgetful.
Look at your phone less. Except if you have a really really important Facebook update. Okay, maybe just a quick scan of your newsfeed.
Be kind. When you’re not kind, apologize. If they don’t accept your apology, cry until they do.
Sleep 8 hours. Warning: This will not work unless your children are on board with this.
Floss. Try not to resent your spouse who never flosses and never has cavities because come on, how does he do that?!
Ask that mom who is about your age and always looks awesome, how does she always look that awesome?!
Start a kickstarter campaign for Botox and fillers because it turns out that’s how that mom looks so awesome.
Tell your spouse how much you love him. But if he keeps doing that hot breath thing on your face at night, that deep love could be in jeopardy.
Practice random acts of kindness. Like randomly not getting annoyed that members of your family keep leaving empty cartons of everything in the fridge. And of course, paying for strangers’ Starbucks coffees too.
Find some sort of exercise that doesn’t feel like you are stabbing yourself in the eyes and do it somewhat regularly. Chocolate yoga anyone? (Yes, it’s a real thing.)
Be grateful. Because there are so many moments of beauty, amazement and laughter in this world. We just have to see them.
Sharing does not come naturally to most people. Especially to children who really really like their new toys.
Despite the fact that Santa was smart enough to bring my 4 year old son Chase some of the same exact toys as his cousin Matej, there was still a lot of this….
And some of this…
Like about 17 times a day.
When my son Chase wasn’t fighting over toys, he was planning his strategy on how to swipe a certain toy out of his cousin’s hands or wracked with paranoia that Matej might be plotting the same kind of toy stealing counter attack against him.
(Man, the holidays are draining.)
But at least at night, when they slept soundly with visions of sugar plums and lightsabers in their heads, they knew their toys were put away, safe and untouched.
You know, unless the adults got ahold of them…
We could totally be wine swigging Jedi knights.
The best thing about a 15 hour road trip is obviously once you get there, do a head count and realize you do indeed have your entire family with you.
Not that you thought you would lose one but things did get a little rowdy at Chuck E. Cheese in Alabama.
My husband seemed all on board for this road trip from South Florida to Memphis until a few days before the trip when he said…
“I may have to go to Cuba for work.”
Did we really need to erase cold war hostility between the US and Cuba 8 days before Christmas? This is why women should run the world. Women would be way more practical. They’d be like, “We’d love to get rid of that 50 year embargo but these gifts aren’t going to wrap themselves. But January is wide open for diplomacy changes!”
Rick ended up not going to Cuba because of some visa issues.
And then shortly after he announced, “I have bronchitis!”
Some people will do anything to get out of a long drive, right? And he really played it up with a hacking cough and chills.
But he powered through and on Saturday afternoon, an hour and a half past when we were planning to leave, we hit the road!
4 year old Chase immediately said, “Do we have to go on the highway?”
I assured him we were taking all back roads.
The whole trip is kind of a blur. My favorite part might be when the kids were watching a movie with their headphones on and called out for me, “MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?”
Of course, I’m answering them like any good personal assistant but they can’t hear me because their headphones are on. So I keep saying, “What? Take your headphones off. What can I do for you? TAKE YOUR HEAD PHONES OFF!!!”
And they respond, “MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?”
You can kill 6 minutes of a road trip doing this.
I knew we had been in the car a very very long time and must almost be in Memphis when Rick said to me, “We should travel the state fair circuit and sell pork chop pops. I bet no one is doing that. Write that down. So we don’t forget it. We’ll call them chop pops for short!”
Chop pops. Got it.
I’m totally flying back.
That Elf on a Shelf is always staring at me and I’m confident these are the things he’s thinking…
1. I wonder how long that lady is going to look for her keys. I can see them right there under the couch. She’s checked her back pocket 4 times. Lady, they are under the couch!!
2. These kids seriously eat more off the floor than their plates.
3. Oh man, they forgot to move me again. I wonder what excuse they are going to use this time. I like the one about me having a bit of sciatica.
4. That 4 year old boy just asked his mother 14 times if he could have a snack. Dude, you aren’t getting a snack.
5. Oh wait, 14 might be his lucky number after all. He broke her. He got a snack!
6. I would do anything to change my outfit. I’m soooo over red. I wish I could wear navy. I look fabulous is navy.
7. No one around here is ever going to guess that I’m the mastermind behind the Sony hacking scheme.
8. Where are the Barbies? I can’t find them anywhere. Did they get rid of the Barbies? They know I like to hang with Barbies late night. Come on!! Last year I hung out in the Barbie hot tub!
9. Pizza 3 nights in a row. Seriously people?! You’re mailing this parenting thing in.
10. Why would you buy a kid a drum set?
11. Hey lady, if you’re going to pour yourself a glass of Sauvignon Blanc, don’t forget a glass for the elf. I’m right up here!
12. Can someone please change the channel from Bravo?! A little variety folks!
13. Do you know they are trying to make me work all year round by turning me into a birthday elf! I seriously need a new contract.
14. It’s hard living in a world with so much Elf on a Shelf hate.
15. Did they just turn out the lights and go to sleep. Hello? Hello? Isn’t anyone going to move me? Hello?
Check out my latest piece on Lifetime Moms. Ashton Kutcher has declared that he and Mila Kunis aren’t getting a nanny. But trust me celebrity power couple, if you don’t want to turn into crazed, exhausted maniacs, you’re going to need some support.
They say half of life is showing up or maybe it’s a third. To be honest I’m not that good at fractions. But I’m guessing whoever said that thing about showing up didn’t bring along their 19 month old.
I know I’m traveling here but my hair is looking a little too 2007 Kate Gosselin.
We flew to New York to celebrate our fabulous friend Monica turning 40.
Our two older girls stayed with Rick’s parents. Our twins stayed with my dad and his girlfriend. And we found Cash looking into weekend senior cruises to the Bahamas so we told him to just come with us.
It’s kind of like how Prince William and Duchess Kate traveled to the U.S. last week – except they left their baby in England with a royal staff.
By the way, have you seen Prince George’s Christmas portrait?
Ridiculous cuteness, right?
I was so relieved that some of my friends are finally turning 40 – until of course I realized I’M NOT 40 ANYMORE. Crap.
On the flight there, this very nice guy recognized Rick from his days at Fox and now CBS and bought us a drink. Cash let me drink half of it before spilling it all over my jeans. I honestly appreciated his initial restraint because I’m sure he was anxious to spill it on me much earlier.
It was so nice to see some of our NY friends. But once it dropped below 30, we told them, weather trumps friendship and we promptly flew back to Ft. Lauderdale.
In case you are keeping track, a few weeks ago, I went to Connecticut with my kids alone, then we did this trip and now because we believe in being overly optimistic and ambitious, we are soon driving to Memphis. I’m not sure how long the drive is but I think it’s like 14,000 hours.
Cash has asked to stay at home with his royal staff.