Do you remember the last time you had jury duty? Kind of boring, right? A lot of sitting around.
Well, my friend Lanie did serve on a defective penile implant case. But even penile implants get seriously dull after a couple days.
So my husband Rick goes off to jury duty last week but Mr. Fancy gets to participate in Juror Appreciation Day. This is a day when “notable New Yorkers” get excused from their jury service in order to tell the rest of us why we should freakin’ love jury duty.
See, there’s Rick between Nathan Lane and Katie Couric.
Oh and yes, that’s actress Kathleen Turner all the way to the left.
The first person to name the guy between Kathleen Turner and Nathan Lane definitely gets some kind of mama bird bonus prize.
So you can imagine my delight to learn that my local TV news anchor husband is a “notable New Yorker.” I’m now realizing that I need to give that boy more respect at home.
After Rick’s high profile day at the courts, I wanted to make sure his weekend was just as glam.
So we went shopping for a new toilet seat….
We spent time discussing the merits of a $25 toilet seat vs. an $11 toilet seat. I mean, would my arse truly feel the $14 difference?
Rick started chatting it up with another customer to get his advice. Why? I guess because it’s so darn fun to talk to strangers. And who better to make our plumbing decisions than some random guy wandering down the Home Depot toilet seat aisle.
Finally, we splurged for the $25 seat.
Just Rick and me doing our part to jump start this economy.
And because you just know that ritzy Katie Couric isn’t sitting on some $11 cheapo toilet seat.
This week I had the NICEST cab driver. I think it’s the city’s way of saying, “Don’t leave, Kelcey. C’mon. I’ll be nicer to you. I promise. You’ll hate it in the burbs.”
I finally went to the doctor after feeling just miserable for weeks. I had to take along my two girls and it’s always a bit of a production to usher them into a cab, while also trying to hold onto my purse, their stuff and a fold-up stroller. Winter coats, hats and mittens just add to the frenzied experience.
As we pulled up to the doctor’s office, the cab driver hopped out of the driver seat, and opened my passenger door to help me and the kids get out.
Very, very nice of him.
Except I’ve never in my many, many years of living in Manhattan EVER had a cabdriver open my door.
And I happened to be leaning over, trying to stuff all my kids’ snacks and wipes and straw cups back into their bag, which meant that my butt crack was kind of on display.
Well, VERY on display.
Now, I didn’t invent low rise cords so please cut me some slack.
And the way I see it, it was just sort of a little bonus for him, on top of the tip. I mean, if he’s into butt crack. Which he totally might not be. I didn’t actually broach the subject.
So I finally get my pants in order and haul my kids up to the doctor’s office where the other patients stare at me like I’ve just carted in two baby alligators. They’re just children, people! Unpredictable, uncontrollable little creatures. Don’t look so damn nervous.
The doctor mercifully called me in right away. He wasn’t too thrilled to learn that I was already half way through a Z-pack of antibiotics that he had NOT prescribed.
“Where did you get the Z-pack?” the doctor asked.
“Oh you know, one of the moms at my daughter’s preschool sells them.”
“Oh I’m just kidding. A doctor prescribed it a while ago and I never used it. My husband told me to take it. Totally his idea. Please don’t yell at me.”
“Way to throw your husband under the bus. In the future, just give me a call, ok?”
And on the return trip, I once again had this super helpful, incredibly nice cab driver.
So maybe the city has a sweeter, gentler side after all. And the always entertaining Marinka of Motherhood in NYC certainly makes a strong case for staying in Manhattan.
And I think I’m inclined to agree with the brilliant PAPA who recently commented that Manhattan is like a bad boyfriend. Sure, you can leave him. But chances are you’ll just end up coming back.
So yeah, I’ll probably leave this city. But guaranteed, at some point, I’ll return. It’s the kind of cool, gritty town that appreciates a little butt crack. And I like that.
Rick and I recently joined some friends on a Sunday afternoon for Baby Loves Disco here in New York City. Have you every been to one of these? Basically you get to drink beer, dance to old Bee Gees and Michael Jackson tunes and watch your kids be happy. Seriously happy. See….
Well, Rick at least looks seriously happy.
Listen, no one invites us to weddings anymore, so we crave us some afternoon drinking and dance floor action.
Basically, Baby Loves Disco transforms night clubs across the country into child-proof discos for weekend dance parties. I’ve thought the idea was brilliant for a long time and often curse myself for not coming up with this genius idea. Or at least figuring out a way to secretly steal it.
Summer and I quickly found our groove.
They also had lots of snacks and drinks for the kiddos. I had never heard of these low sugar, juice drinks from Honest Kids. I’m thinking they should hire Summer as their juice model.
By the way, do you think Summer looks like the young Olsen twins from “Full House?” Because I hear this frequently. In case, you forgot what the great, sassy Michelle Tanner looked like…
Hmmm… maybe I’ll try to turn Summer into a cash producing, media empire like the Olsens. No, that sounds ridiculously exhausting. A juice model sounds like a better goal for a lazy stage mom.
Anyway, back at the disco…
Dylan, who does not like big parties of any kind, was not exactly feeling the dance fever. Where’s Ren McCormack when you need him? C’mon, you don’t have to click. You remember Ren, right?
So Dylan simply refused to take off her jacket and hat for the first TWO hours.
That girl really knows how to commit herself to something.
But eventually, with the help of a bubble machine, even she got into the disco groove…
And so did contributing mama Jordana Bales and her two girls…
On a separate note, if you have been racked with wonder about my weekly trip to Whole Foods…
Yes, we went this week.
Yes, Dylan declared her urgent need to poop.
Yes, she mentioned this in front of the hot prepared foods section.
In a time of economic uncertainty, job instability and an erratic stock market, isn’t it nice that there are some things you can count on? I think so too.
mama bird notes:
In my latest “drooling over this,” you’ll find some sweet, groovy dolls.
And Contributing mama Daphne Biener has a habit of keeping some pretty interesting things in her basement. Is she just sentimental or has this mama gone a bit too far? Click on contributing mamas and weigh in.
So maybe I need to clear something up.
No, I did not duct tape my kids in a corner, as Allison T. suggested, to keep them quiet during my interview with Better TV. Mostly because I don’t currently have any duct tape in my home.
This is sort of how the interview went at first…
“So are you stressed about the holidays?” asked the producer.
“Well – it does get a bit crazy this time of -”
“Mommy, I can’t find any of the hats for the potato heads. And they need hats,” Dylan interjected.
“New shirt. Need new shirt,” Summer insisted because she likes fresh attire every 23 minutes or so.
“And feet. The potato heads need feet. Can you help me find the feet? Where are the feet?” Dylan continued.
“NEW SHIRT!!!!” Summer whined.
Then they both veered off message and decided to immediately change into princess gowns. And Dylan chose to be all Britney and go cammando. So I explained to Dylan, “As a general rule of thumb, we try to keep our underwear on when we have guests over.”
And then I put them in front of the TV to watch a little “Sesame Street” while I finished the interview. No duct tape, scotch tape or any other adhesive needed. 21st century parenting in action.
Meanwhile, I’m such an idiot for complaining about Dylan pooping like clockwork at Whole Foods every week. Where was my gratitude?! (Thank you MN Mama for reminding me about gratitude.)
So here’s my newest rule of thumb. Anytime a kid poops in a toilet, you should just be grateful and shut the hell up.
Because yesterday Summer pooped in the tub. Of course, this has happened before. But it never gets any less gross. So I evacuated the tub, scooped out the poop, cleaned all the toys, scrubbed the tub and then refilled it for Summer and Dylan.
But Dylan was seriously unimpressed with my cleaning efforts.
“I still see poop crumbs,” she said.
But I’m telling you there was not a poop crumb, whatever that is exactly, in sight.
See, now just a few weeks ago, we were all engaged in a spirited debate about the future of this country. And now, I’m blabbering about poop crumbs.
I better go watch Obama on “60 Minutes” and try to pull myself together.
The rest of you, make sure to keep your underwear on if you have guests coming over.
mama bird notes:
Robin S. is the winner of the Ugly Dolls Babo’s Bird and the Hey Ugly Icebat Journal from Psychobaby! Congrats Robin. Please email your address to Kelcey@mamabirddiaries.com and your ugly winnings will be on their way to you.
So every night Rick and I put the kids to bed by 8 pm and then four minutes later, it’s midnight.
It’s stunning how fast time can go when you’re just peacefully tidying up your home or sacked out on your couch, watching “Gossip Girl” and wondering what is up with Jenny Humphrey’s crazy, Joan Jett inspired eyeliner?!
She used to be so sweet and pretty and innocent.
So each night I promise myself that I will go to bed earlier but, of course, I absolutely never do.
And then I saw this sign in my neighborhood….
Now the solution is so obvious. I don’t need more sleep. Just more caffeine! Perfect! I can definitely drink more caffeine. Way more simple than trying to get more rest. I mean, what a waste of time that would be.
Oh wait, maybe I shouldn’t be taking advice from someone who can’t spell “deprivation.”
The person who wrote this can’t exactly be a genius. Or maybe they are just very very tired.
I recently met a gal who seems to have plenty of energy… Marianne Mancusi. Beth Feldman of Role Mommy connected us. 30-something Mancusi has written 12 books. Wow. I’m starting to think she doesn’t waste her time watching “Gossip Girl” and critiquing Jenny Humphrey’s eyeliner. Although she is currently focusing on teen novels, so maybe she does.
And when she’s not writing, Mancusi is also a producer for BETTER, a national syndicated lifestyle show. She interviewed me about the stress of holiday gifts and tipping during this troubling economic downturn.
Stress?! You want to hear about stress? Well, let me tell you about my daughter’s pooping addiction at Whole Foods. And the school admission process in New York City. And trying to decide whether we should flee to the suburbs. And just trying to keep the kids from destroying the apartment until after this interview. And–
Oh, you don’t want to talk about that? Ok, let’s stick to the holiday season.
I don’t know when the piece is airing but I’ll link to it when it’s available.
By the way, I just heard Jingle Bells on the radio and Starbucks has transitioned to their festive red cups so I think the holiday season is full on.