I have one of those hacking coughs right now.
The kind where people stare at me on the street and are either…
A) Panicked because they think I am choking and are contemplating whether they have time to save me because they’re already late for a 2 pm blow-out appointment at their hair salon so they can look extra sassy for the holidays or…
B) They curse me because they think I am spreading some kind of nasty, dangerous virus or…
C) They judge me because I absolutely must have a 2 pack a day cigarette habit to sound this horrendous.
There’s a lot of phlegm involved with this cough. It’s super sexy. Just ask my husband. He mentioned that I coughed in his face last night. Look, if he can’t recognize a little foreplay, his loss.
So despite this cough and the crazy cold weather here in New York, I headed out this weekend to get a pedicure. And then I walked home in the freezing hail in my flip flops.
Yeah my toes were cold. But it’s so much better than ruining a perfectly good pedicure.
That color is black onyx.
The guy next to me at the nail place was getting the very same color. That’s how life usually rolls in the West Village.
Anyway, it’s been so darn cold the last couple days, that I’ve actually been going out like this…
How ridiculous and dorky do I look? As I get older, I’m getting closer and closer to that pilly ski hat a certain relative of mine always likes to wear when the temperature drops.
Mom, you know I would never out you or your fashion choices on this blog.
Anyway, my dumb winter hat kind of makes me long for the days of the summer visor.
When I looked just as dorky, but I was so much warmer.
But I am gratefully headed for warmer weather tomorrow. We are flying to Memphis for the holiday. You can bet my Jewish husband never thought he’d one day be celebrating Christmas in Tennessee. He’s just praying for some tasty southern BBQ.
I can’t wait to show everyone my black onyx toes.
And if I don’t see you at Graceland, Happy Christmas to all.
mama bird notes
These days contributing mama Karen Palmer Bland is trying to explain to her kids why Santa won’t be stopping at their Jewish home this holiday season. To read more of this hilarious post, click on contributing mamas.
So guess who fell off the Tito’s vodka wagon?
Oh yes, just a couple days on the cheap stuff and my husband is already back to drinking his glitzy Grey Goose. Some people simply have no recession willpower.
What’s that Rick? Oh, he wants me to tell you that he bought it on sale in Jersey.
It still cost more than Tito’s. I can promise you.
Well, no matter because I already have another genius way we can save just bundles.
Like some of you, we still have gifts to buy. I was kind of stressing over the whole thing until I saw this sign in the West Village.
Yes, That’s Benny’s Burritos! Now it just seems so obvious. Buy all your loved ones a Benny’s Burritos gift certificate for Christmas and Hanukkah! Nothing rings in the holidays like a Chicken Chipotle burrito.
And if you’re looking for free activities… Well, Santa is totally free (you know, if you don’t count the cab ride there and the overpriced hot chocolate afterwards).
Summer hesitantly put in her x-mas order…
But Dylan wasn’t getting anywhere near that jolly, obviously untrustworthy guy from up North…
“Dylan, don’t you want to tell Santa what you want for Christmas,” I asked.
“No. Daddy is telling him what I want,” she responded.
Apparently, she’s got the gift thing covered. That girl sure knows how to delegate.
After visiting with Santa, Summer tried to convince her daddy that he should buy her this little stuffed deer.
The cost for this mini deer at ABC Home & Carpet?
If Summer wants that dumb deer, she better go back and have a little chat with Santa. Because her ‘rents are too busy blowing their money on overpriced vodka.
P.S. Happy Hanukkah to everyone.
We pretty much celebrate every holiday around here. Well, not Arbor Day because that holiday is pure evil, my friends. But definitely all the rest.
mama bird notes
This holiday season is truly about gratitude for all our precious gifts and the strength to face our challenges. Contributing mama Diane LeBleu shares her challenge in an honest, beautiful piece called, “Merry Christmas! I Have Breast Cancer!” Click here to read more.
I really dig certain Christmas traditions.
Like as a kid, I can still remember taking the Metro North train into the city with my mom and sister to see the Radio City Christmas Spectacular.
Because in a life that could be somewhat unpredictable, there was always something very comforting about that ornate, old familiar music hall and those reliable, power-kicking Rockettes.
So I really wanted to take my 4 year-old this year. I just knew she would be dazzled by the entire experience.
“Hey Dylan, do you want to go see a show with Santa Claus?” I asked. My voice emanating holiday glee.
“No,” she responded, her voice much less gleeful.
“Oh. Well, there will be dancers too! And they all dance in this really straight line and kick their legs so high, you won’t believe it. Doesn’t that sound so cool? You love dancing. Do you want to go?”
“But remember last year, you loved that show with Elmo and everyone else from Sesame Street.”
“I’ll go to a show with Elmo.”
“But Dylan, this show doesn’t have Elmo but it’s going to be just as great. Umm…. I guess I could just take your sister instead.”
“Yeah, take Summer.”
What?! Oh crap. That totally backfired.
Ok. Must think of new strategy to force my kid to go to the Radio City Christmas Spectacular so she can be DAZZLED.
A couple days later, I hesitantly tell Dylan I’m picking her up early at school so we can run some errands together. She is thrilled that we are taking the subway and doesn’t inquire further.
As we arrive at Radio City Music Hall, surrounded by mobs of tourists, she finally asks, “Where are we?”
“Oh, honey, we are just running some errands. Mommy needs to check this out real quick. Here, have a $10 bag of cotton candy. Do you want a bucket of popcorn too?”
That shut Miss Curious up in a hurry.
So we sit down.
And the lights dim and the orchestra starts playing.
And she is mesmerized.
Impressive dance numbers starring the Rockettes. A flying Santa. Fake snow falling from the majestic theater ceiling. Even 3D effects. Man, they really souped up this show.
And the ending – Oh my gosh. The ending! Oh wait. We missed that. Dylan got tired and wanted to check out this new car on display in the lobby.
And then she said to me,
“Mom, this car smells a lot better than our car.”
Oh, honey, that’s the magic of the holidays.
mama bird notes
On a sadder note…. My friend Rachel just wrote to me about a 12 year-old boy named Lucas Goldbaum. He has an inoperable brain tumor and his mother is trying to raise money for a very expensive, experimental vaccine that looks like Lucas’ only hope. She is trying to raise $250,000 by December 31st. Any donations are appreciated. Even a few dollars.
Make your check payable to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center. In the check notation, please write, “In honor of Lucas Goldbaum. Mail to KC Miller, Cedars-Sinai Medical Center, 8700 Beverly Blvd, Suite 2416, LA, CA, 90048.
For more information on Lucas Goldbaum and this fundraising effort, email me at email@example.com.
And a quick reminder… I’m giving away two $30 gift cards to The Children’s Place. Just leave a comment on the mama bird diaries this week and you are entered. Just mention your desire for one of these gift cards so I know you are interested in the giveaway. Good luck birdies!
So after a two month hiatus, I finally went back to yoga class.
I got up at 6:15 in the morning and walked to the gym. In the dark. In the rain. In the cold.
But damn it, I got there. And the class started perfectly well.
Until smack in the middle of it, our yoga instructor suddenly stops and tells us all that a few days ago, she was hit by a car. Everyone just kind of stares at her. And no one knows what to say because we are mid sun salutation and it’s just the oddest time to bring this up.
Many minutes go by as she gives us a detailed account of the accident. She was crossing the street. The car actually ran over her. She was between the wheels. Screaming for help. She is fortunate to be alive.
I am horrified.
And very guilty. Because I really want her to stop talking and continue the class. You know, in a very compassionate way.
I’m wondering if I can at least do some stretching while I listen to this super scary tale.
And then she says something that makes absolutely no sense.
“I want to do something different today. I guess because of the accident. I don’t know. So let’s partner up.”
OH NO! Please don’t punish us with a partner. We weren’t driving the car. I’m sorry about the accident. I’m so glad you are ok. PLEASE don’t do this. I’ll chauffeur you around. Anywhere you want to go. Just please don’t make me –
The guy next to me offers to be my partner.
No offense to my very nice partner but if I’m going to touch some random guy, I want to be single, drunk and in the dark.
But it’s done. I’m nowhere near the door. There is no exit. I am so Kevin Costner. There is simply no way out.
So we sit inches apart, holding hands and do this leg stretching thing.
And then a back stretch (yes, holding hands AGAIN).
And then the teacher instructs us to “thank” our partner and believe me, I am THANKFUL – that it’s over.
You know what really pisses me off?
I’ll just bet my partner is complaining to his co-worker right now about the yoga girl with the super sweaty hands or something.
See – this is why it’s so much easier to just not go to the gym in the first place.
mama bird notes
Marinka won the Radio City Christmas Spectacular tickets. Congrats girl!
Johanna and Stephanie (Tyler’s mom) won the Darius Goes West DVDs! Congrats mama birds. Just send your address to firstname.lastname@example.org and I will send the videos along.
This week I’m giving away two $30 gift cards to The Children’s Place. This is a fabulous place to shop for kids. Super affordable and you can find some really cute stuff like darling pajamas and robes. Just leave a comment on the mama bird diaries this week and you are entered. Just mention your desperate desire for one of these gift cards so I know you are interested in the giveaway.
Many of us have been restless souls since the presidential campaign. We passionately campaigned for Obama or McCain or Clinton but are now left without focus or direction.
I’ve been waiting for another call to action. But nothing has quite stirred me.
Now there’s word that my Manhattan gals Victory, Nico and Wendy are in trouble.
“Lipstick Jungle” is breathlessly close to cancellation. Apparently, only the viewers can save it now.
Well… it’s not exactly like picking the next leader of the free world but heck, tv is cool too.
And I am the girl who helped save Party of Five. My 1994 glory days. Don’t think I can’t re-energize the troops and resurrect my letter writing campaign. I can set up a phone bank for “Lipstick Jungle” in under an hour. Don’t threaten me, peacock network.
I signed the petition but so far I’m not parting with any tubes of Laura Mercier. We’re in a deep recession, ladies. I have my limits. But then again, can you really put a price on these abs?
By the way, am I the only one who has watched AND actually really enjoyed “Flirting With Forty?” You know, that sort of dumb Heather Locklear/ Kirby Lifetime movie.
Don’t judge me. You know there isn’t a lot on TV right now.
Meanwhile, guess who is flirting with two?
Yes, my baby girl Summer.
I love you baby girl.
And please don’t think that just because I rambled on about “Lipstick Jungle” and some guy’s abs and some stupid lifetime movie, that I don’t love you beyond words.
Because I always save the best for last. Happy Birthday my little Summer. XO