You know what I love about the internet?
I mean, in addition to porn.
Finding creative ideas.
Last week, I was in charge of decorating one of my kid’s doors for teacher appreciation week. I don’t know how teacher appreciation week works at your school but at ours, we bring something in every day.
Like first it’s flowers, then it’s fruit, then it’s $5 gift cards, then it’s BMW’s. I don’t know. Whatever they tell me to bring, I send it in.
Because these amazing teachers spend 6 1/2 hours a day with 20 children. I’d never last. By 8:47 AM, I’d tell the students that school was canceled due to my mental exhaustion at listening to them all talk at the same time and that they had to go home.
Given how hard these teachers work, I wanted my kindergarten door to look amazing but I had no creative ideas. So I just went on Pinterest and within in 2 minutes, I had a bunch of possibilities. And this is what I did. (Teacher’s name edited out.)
Before you start telling me that I minion’ed the hell out of that door (which clearly I did), I’ll share the sad news that I did not win the door decorating contest. Some other door was the big winner and their class got an ice cream party.
Strange how the parents put in their blood, sweat and construction paper tears and it’s the kids who are the ones eating the ice cream, right? The prize should go to the parent and be a 50 minute massage with Rex, the hot cabana boy.
Anyway, a few days later, I was staring down the 100th day of school. My kindergarteners needed to come to school with 100 things attached to their shirts and no, it couldn’t be stains.
Again Pinterest! And here I am, armed with a glue gun, attaching Skittles to t-shirts…
After 17 hours (okay, maybe a little less), they were done!
Cute right? Although I’m not sure Harlowe’s shirt looks like necklaces (as intended) but my tween daughters really handled the design of that one so take it up with them.
The best part of these shirts is that Skittles with glue residue makes a great school snack.
My next project is a homemade absolutely nothing. It’s time to put the glue gun down.
I got a card in the mail the other day. A real card. Like not one you virtually open on your computer. But one you open with your ACTUAL HANDS. It was insane.
I have a couple friends who still send real cards. Every time I get one, I think, “I love this. I’m totally doing this. I’m going to buy some cards, write witty things in them and then send them.”
And then I never think about it again.
Until I get another card.
So the other day, I am opening this card from a college friend, basking in the warmth of a long friendship, when my wisdom teeth fall out of the envelope.
Can you imagine if I just ended the post right there?
Here I’ll show you the card. Not the teeth.
Okay, now I’ll explain about the teeth thing. When I was about 19 or 20, I had to have my wisdom teeth pulled out over the summer so I thought it would be hilarious to mail them to one of my college roommates. (Now you can understand why people line up to be my friend.)
Of course, she truly appreciated this thoughtful and touching gift. So much so that she made sure to secretly return them to me at some point. And well, we have been passing these teeth back and forth for a whole bunch of years.
With marriages and children and work and responsibilities – I didn’t really know what happened to the teeth. I hadn’t thought about them in a long time.
So there was something really reassuring about receiving these ancient, sort of disgusting relics, in the mail. Like no matter what happened in life – my old teeth were still out there – like a bond of friendship.
My point is – get out there and send some teeth to your closest friends! Okay, don’t do that. But maybe send them cards.
So what did I do with the teeth? I finally tossed them. Because some traditions are just really gross.
Okay, did my friend stop reading this? Because of course I didn’t throw out those magical teeth!! I’m just plotting on how to get them back to her. I can’t wait to think of something good.
Some of us out here kind of had blizzard envy (for about 20 minutes).
Did you know there was a big storm? There’s a couple photos on Facebook if you missed it.
Well, it may not have been snowing here but I just want you to know, it was raining. Really hard. Like the wipers were on full speed.
And it’s been in the 50’s. And my favorite part about it dropping down to the 50’s in South Florida is that people start saying things like… “It’s so cold. I’m freezing.”
Like take a look at this Florida guy…
It was 61 degrees when this photo was taken. I mean, a parka?!
Oh wait. You know what…
That’s my dad. 25 years living on Cape Cod and now he pulls on a parka in 61 degree weather. That’s what South Florida does to people.
My children were pretty unfazed by the plummeting temperatures. Especially Cash who, fresh off his challah stealing incident, threw an entire pint of raspberries across a parking lot.
Why would he do this? Especially because I had purchased them 4 minutes earlier. I’m not embarrassed to admit that I had some man hold traffic so that I could pick up every last raspberry.
I mean, I had just bought them!
They were organic!*
My kids would have been crushed without raspberries!!**
*They were not organic.
**My kids didn’t care.
The point is, I like raspberries (yes, even ones picked up from the pavement and thoroughly cleaned, ok sort of cleaned) and a 2 year old is not going to outplay me.
So no raspberries for him.
Unless he says “raspberry” 256 times in succession and then okay, he can have some.
My son underwent surgery this week to remove a piece of glass in his foot. Hold on there Kelcey – is this a recycled post from last May? This whole surgery thing sounds very familiar.
And yes, indeed 2 year old Cash did have surgery to remove glass from his foot last May. But here’s the problem. THERE WAS STILL GLASS IN THERE. Yup, this is take two.
How did we know there was still glass in his foot? Well, Cash mentioned something about wanting some cheddar Goldfish and I, with my finely tuned maternal instincts, took that for toddler code that there was something still stuck in there.
Okay, that might not be quite right. Actually, his walking has been off since the initial surgery so they did an x-ray and there it was.
His doctor referred to removing this glass as “trying to find a needle in a haystack” but I think of it more as “another hefty co-pay!” And no, the hospital wasn’t running a 2 for 1 on foot surgeries. I even checked Groupon.
And you know what you shouldn’t do when waiting for your child to come out of surgery… read scary surgery stories on 24 hour news sites. But I did anyway. What is it about humans that we like to torture ourselves?
Anyway, he woke up from the surgery screaming and thrashing and thinking, “I was feeling pretty good about this hospital playroom and these super nice nurses and then you all went and cut open my foot again. What the heck people?!!”
But after some pain meds, he thankfully rested for a bit…
And woke up far less agitated….
Well, thank goodness for that age old saying, “the second time is the charm” because Cash would hate to do this surgery a third time.
A friend of mine was recently checking her kid’s phone and she stumbled on a text exchange between her nanny and her tween daughter.
In the text, her daughter asks… what is a prostitute?
As that point, the nanny should obviously text back, “I only take questions about what’s for dinner. Mac and cheese by the way. All question about hookers and pimps have to be handled by your parents! So feel free to text them at work!”
But instead the nanny attempts to explain what a prostitute is. Yup, she really does. Via text.
I’m sure that’s also the official Merriam-Webster definition of a prostitute.
I don’t know what I would say if one of my kids asked me about prostitution.
I think I’d pop in a DVD of Pretty Woman and let Julia Roberts do all the explaining.