2. Wondering why someone just created the word’s fastest hot tub (like you can actually drive it) but no one has created a machine for children that applies sunscreen and removes lice at the same time.
3. That I will be forced to hold my pee for 3 hours (despite taking others to the bathroom) because it seems too overwhelming and exhausting to figure out how to put my baby down and pee too.
4. That I will deeply long for naps.
5. That I will be asked a lot of questions about how things are built. I finally had to explain to my kid that I am not an engineer. He now has a lot of questions about engineers.
6. That my child will ask if I am still pregnant. I’m not.
7. That my child will ask me why I am wearing pajamas at the grocery store. I will explain they are formal yoga pants. I will swear my kid just said, “If that’s what you want to tell yourself” under her breath but I can’t confirm this.
8. That my baby can cry all night long and in the morning I will rush him to the pediatrician’s office and the doctor will confirm that it is absolutely nothing. Probably a gas bubble. Maybe teething.
9. That I will pay for entire season of soccer and my daughter will not place one cleat on the field.
10. That I will pay for entire session of swimming and another daughter will not place one foot in the pool.
11. That siblings can argue about absolutely anything. Like who gets to go first, even though they can’t remember first for what.
12. That I will be willing to pay almost any amount of money for direct flights to avoid a layover with 5 children.
13. That Junie B. Jones would get herself into so much dang trouble.
14. That I will yell at my children to stop yelling.
15. That people will keep telling me that I will blink and my kids will be grown. I know this is true but I also have not yet developed my Stop Time Super Powers so I don’t know what they want me do about it.
I just had to break some news to my 9-year-old daughter Dylan. She has to read 3 books and complete a thick summer packet of work before 4th grade starts. She obviously thinks this is a serious injustice and is currently consulting an attorney to review her options.
It’s all about preventing summer learning loss. Now I thought summer learning loss was about moms losing brain functioning because all their children are now spending their days raiding the kitchen and talking nonstop but apparently it has something to do with kids forgetting a bunch of stuff they learned all year long and starting the next year behind.
Dylan’s 7-year-old sister Summer wasn’t assigned any specific work but I thought I’d get her doing some summer reading as well. (You know, in between episodes of Hannah Montana and her intermittently screaming, “I hear the ice cream truck!! I hear the ice cream truck!!). That way Dylan won’t feel like she is in this all alone.
So I signed Summer up for this new site, Zoobean, that pulls together recommendations for books, apps and education resources for your specific child (up to age 8). The idea is to promote literacy and get kids excited about reading and learning.
This site was featured on Shark Tank (which is much more impressive than being featured on the now canceled I Wanna Marry Prince Harry) and snagged Mark Cuban as an investor so obviously they have something cool going on.
Once you log on to Zoobean, you quickly build your child’s profile (including reading level, age and interests). Then a personal expert gets in touch with you to learn more about your child.
Every week, you get a recommended app and/or book to your child’s SmartList. You can even contact your personal expert with questions about things like having a child who is a reluctant reader or who is oddly obsessed with some subject (like dolphins or Niles from One Direction).
Just don’t contact your personal expert with questions like – “Who buried my cell phone in the plants in the living room?” because they are educators and librarians and aren’t really trained to deal with that kind of thing.
I already got two recommendations for Summer… a series called Gooney Bird Greene which Summer says is very funny. And an app called Neomad Interactive Comic, a futuristic sci-fi adventure based on real characters, places and stories.
These are not your typical recommendations that you’ve already heard of – these are books and apps that are outside the box and chosen specifically for your kid.
They also have these recommended kits where you find resources for delving more deeply into certain topics like transportation, rainbows, divorce and loving yourself. (By the way, if I ever write a self help book – it’s totally going to be called Rainbows, Divorce and Loving Yourself.)
Want to try this out with me? A yearly membership is $25 and with the coupon code, EXPERTBIRD, you get $10 off. So that’s only $15 for the entire year! Whoa baby, that’s a good deal. They also have another home service option, where you can get a book delivered to you each month plus a whole bunch of other stuff. That’s $9.99 a month. If you go that direction, use the coupon code, HOMEBIRD for 20% off.
You can check out the pricing and redeem coupon codes by pushing this magical button below…
If you try it out, let me know what you think!
Meanwhile, I’m going to try to get Dylan off the phone with her attorney. Wish me luck.
This is a sponsored post. All ideas are my own.
I never know what to wear in Florida. First of all, you would not believe the amount of people wearing jeans in 90 degree weather with 100% I’mSeriouslySuffocating humidity. It’s like they are pretending it’s not hot.
I want to scream out and say, “I see you in those jeans over there! I see the sweat dripping down your neck. Why do you hate shorts so much?!!” (Honestly, I do wear jeans in the Florida winter but it’s totally acceptable that time of year because it drops down to 83 degrees.)
And then there is the issue of “casual” attire. In South Florida, you don’t wear casual clothes to a casual luncheon. Apparently, a casual luncheon is a blouse/cute pants or a dress and wedge heels. Except if you meet for lunch at the gym. Then you can wear workout wear. Whether or not you have worked out.
Then this weekend I found out about appropriate attire for a shiva call. A shiva call is when you visit a family who is mourning the death of a loved one. It’s a Jewish tradition for the family to sit shiva for a certain number of days while friends come to pay their respects and bring baked goods.
You must bring baked goods. I don’t know why. You don’t bring alcohol. Or flowers. Or Belgian chocolates. Just baked goods.
So a friend of ours here in Florida lost his 97-year-old grandmother who lived a very long, beautiful life. The family was sitting shiva so we made plans to go over yesterday afternoon and pay our respects.
Me: What should we wear?
Rick: Casual. I’m wearing shorts.
Me: Are you sure that’s appropriate?
Rick: Yes. It’s Florida.
This was my opportunity to realize that my husband had no idea what he was talking about. But did I seize this opportunity? Did I say, “I don’t think so. This is a shiva call. We need to dress up a bit and not show up like the surfer family?” No, I did not.
Did I think to myself, “It’s far better to be overdressed than underdressed for any occasion?” No, I did not.
Did I remember the time my husband told me that at his parents beach house, “Everyone is totally casual all the time” and then I had a pair of cut-offs to wear when everyone got dressed up to go out to dinner. No, I did not.
I simply said… “Ok.”
And I wore this…
And when we arrived, I looked around at everyone’s far more appropriate, more formal non-shorts attire and turned and stared with desperate, pleading eyes at my husband that must have conveyed my discontent because Rick just said, “I’m sorry.”
And then my friend came up to us and said (and I swear this is the truth), “Did you guys just come from the beach?”
Well, at least we remembered the baked goods.
Ryan Gosling is expecting a baby with Eva Mendes! As I mentioned on Twitter and why aren’t you following me on Twitter, this seriously complicates my future imaginary relationship with him.
I’m thinking that maybe he doesn’t see all the benefits of being with me….
(Honestly, it’s like we are twins.)
So here are some things for Ryan Gosling to mull over before he commits to a future with Eva…
I might not have that sexy Latin vibe but I do have that waspy tennis vibe.
I already have a husband so when Ryan’s away on his fancy movie shoots, I won’t be lonely!
Eva might be in movies but I go to movies! (Oh crap, I don’t even do that.)
Mendes is on Maxim’s Hot 100 and she’s has been named as one of People’s Most Beautiful at Every Age. I, on the other hand, won a high school typing award in the 80’s. I don’t mention it all that often because I don’t like to intimidate you all.
Eva was born in Miami. And I live in the Miami area which is not better at all so delete that one.
He likes older women. Eva is only 40. He can do older!! I am older!!
Like all the women he has dated… Sandra Bullock, Rachel McAdams, Eva Mendes… I am a brunette. I mean, I could be. Give me 20 minutes and a box of L’Oreal Paris.
Yes, Eva’s now 7 months pregnant with his baby but I have been pregnant for a total of 36 months in my life so 36 is more than 7… so there.
Okay, I think I’ve proven that I am a worthy contender. Ryan, I’m waiting for your decision. Our imaginary future depends on it.
1. I’m sure they do background checks on your kid’s counselor, right?
2. I heard you get charged by the camp every time you refresh the photos on their website.
3. How do you know your child is actually brushing his teeth. Like ever?
4. At my husband’s camp, they had this thing called bush time where you could go in the bushes with your camp boyfriend or girlfriend.
5. So for the cost of one kid to go to sleep away, you could have had an insanely awesome trip to Europe for the whole family?
6. You must feel so free! I bet you are loving it!! 7 weeks of freedom baby! Hey, why are you crying?
7. Counselors aren’t allowed to date the campers, are they?
8. Since all your kids are at camp, could I could send a couple of mine over?
9. I’m sure the meals are organic. They probably just don’t advertise that because they don’t want to seem snobby.
10. Did you hear about that mountain lion sighting? In the Poconos? Or was it in Maine? I can’t remember.
11. Do kids buy their own beer or do you send it in a care package?
12. I’m sure the time will fly by! Wait – it’s only been 3 days, it seems like a lifetime and you feel like your right arm has been cut off? Well, my husband says sleep away camp was the defining experience of his childhood. And good news…I think there is a new Bachelorette on tonight!