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Aug
02
2013

Hey, it’s 3-year-old Chase again. I’m in time-out so I thought I’d do something productive. Plus, I can type while I whine and cry so it’s a win win. From what I understand, this kind of ability to multi-task is going to serve me really well.

The lesson to be learned here is that I’m not supposed to throw a truck in my sister Summer’s face. But in my defense, how awesome is it to see a truck fly. Into someone’s face.  Plus, I might have scratched my sister Harlowe’s cheek but I really needed that remote control and she was gripping it so tightly.

Meanwhile, I hate camp. I tell my mom every day. Between you and me, we do a bunch of cool stuff like art, cooking and gymnastics but I tell her we do nothing.  I learned this particular trick from my sisters. It’s so fun to see a parent grimace with frustration when you tell them you did NOTHING after they paid for hours of fun.

Each morning, before we leave for camp, my mother counts to make sure we are all in the car. Way to make us feel like a number mom. She has never forgotten any of us, so I guess she’s doing something right.

Baby Cash is hating his car seat right now and cries nonstop in the minivan. Because I love him so much and I sit right next to him, I stick my foot in his face to see if it helps him calm down. As to date – it hasn’t. Mom is very unsupportive of my experimental baby techniques. I hate when my creativity is stifled.

Did you hear we are moving to Florida? My hair is going to be a wreck down there. My mom is talking a lot about purging stuff. I don’t know what that means but some of my toys keep disappearing and I’m not happy about it.

HOW AM I STILL IN TIME-OUT?!! Hello? Anyone? I’m still in here! I’ve got to hire a lawyer. Where the hell is that woman?!

Wait, I think I hear something. Oh man, I am laughing my bum off because I just heard Dylan and Summer tell mommy that it’s superhero day at camp and we are supposed to leave in like 6 minutes. Now she’s in a panic trying to find costumes. Listen, I’ve got some advice for you lady. Read the camp emails. I’m going to yell something out to get her even more stressed.

“I WANT TO BE A SUPERHERO TOO. FIND MY CAPE. I WANT TO BE BATMAN!!! FIND MY BATMAN CAPE!!”

Best part – I don’t even have a batman costume.

Oh wait, I hear her coming!

Okay, I have to do some lame apology thing and then I’m off to camp. Don’t tell her I like it. See you Florida.

mama bird notes:

Did you miss the last guest post by Chase? Check it out here.

Also on Alpha Mom, find 10 Outside the Box, Clutter Free New Baby/ Mom gifts. Thank you to all my friends who helped me come up with these!

And on Lifetime Moms, I write about the NBA player who gets to cheat on his wife once a year. Yes, you heard that right. Can this work in a marriage?!


Jul
31
2013

We are moving to the Miami area in a week. A W-E-E-K. I’m trying to sort through the house before the packers come but it’s a ridiculous endeavor since children are out to defeat me. Like begging me to keep a coffee table that has been sitting in our basement since the Paleolithic era (obviously that’s an estimate).

Word has leaked out about Rick’s new job opportunity. Apparently he is not going down to Florida to wrangle alligators as I had previously thought but instead he’s going to stick with the news thing. Which is crazy because news is so depressing and alligators are so spunky!

Rick’s new job was reported on Jose Lamiet’s Gossip Extra and this was by far my favorite quote, “Folbaum has managed to stay away from political controversies at Fox, but has been the target of rumors about his wearing a hair piece!”

His hair is real. I swear.  And it better stay in his head because there is no money for a toupee.  Now that we are moving to Florida, all our money is going to be funneled into anti-frizz hair products for me. When my kids ask why there is no money for college, I will simply point to my sleek locks and say, “Study this darlings! Isn’t my hair fabulous?”

Actually, I won’t do the Brazilian Blowout again, so my hair is going to look awful down there. That’s why I am madly working on my personality. I need something to fall back on.

It was originally reported (now corrected) that Rick had no ties to Southern Florida. In fact, he has three generations of relatives in Boca Raton – including his cousin Wendi, who heads a congressional office and is basically Boca royalty.  And if those aren’t his relatives, I have been visiting some very nice people for the past 12 years.

So this is Rick’s last week of work at Fox. He’s been with the company for 17 years. I told him he needed to get together with his work friends before he left. So he sent out an email to a few folks, saying to come have a last drink with him because his wife insisted he needed closure.  I think they’ll show up, at least out of sympathy that he was forced to use the word closure in an email.

But of course, there is no such thing as closure. I’m trying not to think about all the amazing friends and wonderful people we are leaving behind because it’s just sad. Incredibly sad.

We’re just going to say goodbye, put on our hair pieces and fly on out of here.

mama bird diaries

Have you liked the mama bird diaries on Facebook? What are you waiting for?! It’s glorious! With no humidity!


Jul
29
2013

A few months ago, we put our house on the market and my mother-in-law gave us a small statue of St. Joseph to bury under the For Sale sign.  She got it from her neighbor who insisted it would help us sell our house.

I was very enthusiastic about the potential power of the saintly figurine. I had been praying to St. Anthony for years whenever I lost things. And with the exception of a camera that was stolen in Florida, he had really delivered. (I guess Saint Anthony doesn’t shake down thieves in Delray Beach.)

Now it was time to try out this St. Joseph. I buried the statue and within a few days, we had an accepted offer. Completely true.

After the contracts were signed, I went to dig it up so I could return it to my mother-in-law’s friend. Apparently she had someone else who needed to sell a home. Wow. This guy is like the Barbara Corcoran of Saints.

I went to dig up St. Joseph and he was gone. I dug and dug and nothing.

St

Where could he be? I buried it RIGHT HERE. Now I understand whey they still can’t find Jimmy Hoffa.

I finally prayed to St. Anthony to help me find St. Joseph and kept digging. And I was about to get some other saints involved when I finally found him…

Joseph 2

So if you want to sell your house, you should borrow this statue, or just buy one or you know, put in a master suite bathroom. I hear any of those things work.

mama bird notes:

Have you liked me on St. Facebook? You must. Just click here.

And I’ve got some advice for royal mom Kate. Check it out here on Lifetime Moms.


Jul
25
2013

Kate Middleton did something monumental this week. I mean, other than give birth to the future King of England. She showed off her post baby belly.

See…

poafvs86os

She is even wearing an empire waist which actually accentuates the stomach! This duchess has some serious cojones because after I have a baby (I’m the non-duchess in case you are confusing us), I will use anything (the baby, throw pillows, small animals walking by) as a tummy shield when the camera comes out.

It’s no secret that after you have a baby, you still look pregnant. And most of us just aren’t so comfortable showing it off. It is impressive that Kate went for it.

As Charlotte Cowles writes on The Cut, “So was Kate brave to show her belly yesterday? Perhaps. There’s no doubt it was intentional. Everything she wears is always carefully considered, and the dress was custom-made for her. But Kate’s public identity is that of wife and mother. While her identity is certainly tied to her physical appearance, she has nothing to gain by hiding her maternal features. If only more women felt this way.”

But here’s the thing. Everyone on planet earth (I think even my mother) knows that Kate Middleton had a baby. Nobody is going to mistakenly walk up to her post-baby and say, “Congratulations! When are you due?” Not the case for us commoners. Hence the necessity of my t-shirt line.

Look, I don’t love the celebrity culture where one day you are pregnant and very soon after you have a svelte, flat tummy. Is it a personal trainer? Tummy tuck? Photoshop magic? I don’t know. But most of us don’t look like that post baby. Even way post baby.

So it was nice to see the Duchess of Cambridge show what it’s really like to be a new mama. I hope she felt the gratitude worldwide.


Jul
23
2013

I am floored that people still send gifts when you are on your 5th kid. At the most, I would expect an email or maybe a coffee. And not even a latte. Like a regular coffee. From a gas station.

But for some unexplainable reason, we have received a lot of adorable gifts like this from my sister and brother-in-law…

Cash 2 months - green white shirt

The onesie. Not the baby.

But I guess the onesie has gotten a bit small because this weekend Rick said, “Why are you subjecting our son to a constant wedgy?

Nonsense, I thought. It still fits!

Cash 2 months wedgy

Hmm…

Okay, Cash deserves better. That ain’t right.



kelcey kintner

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