Me: Want to learn how to escape a car if it plunges 40 feet off a bridge? A friend just posted it on Facebook.
Rick: It’s never going to happen.
Me: It happens to someone.
Rick: It’s never going to happen.
Me: Tell that to the guy who just plunged 40 feet.
Rick: It’s never going to happen.
Me: So you don’t want to learn how to escape a car if it plunges off a bridge?
Me: Okay, I’m going to find out and then you better hope you’re with me when it happens.
Rick: Can you tell me one thing – can we use the McDonald’s Happy Meal containers in the backseat as floating devices?
Me: I don’t think so.
Rick: Okay, okay, just tell me the first thing on the list.
Me: “Don’t panic.”
Me: Seriously. It says, “Don’t Panic.” See, if I hadn’t told you about this – you would have totally panicked and lessened your chance of survival.
Rick: I feel much safer now.
In fact, I remember one friend (who I think was chasing her son around the parking lot at the time) said to me, “How do you get your kids to stay by your side?” I explained that I ordered them that way.
But I must have filled out the order form wrong this time because 2 year old Cash is totally the opposite. A complete extrovert. This is a big relief for Rick who is very outgoing and was starting to worry that I was having all these children with shy Cal from the gas station.
The nice thing about having an outgoing child is that he will smiley sweetly at everyone. Unlike my daughter Dylan who was very shy in her younger years and would stare people down until they gave up with all that damn bubbly friendliness.
The not so great thing about a very outgoing kid is that they are in everyone’s business. And I mean, everyone’s business.
Here are the things 2 year old Cash is probably doing right now to drive someone crazy:
1. If someone is feeding their kid yummy cheesy crunchy things, he will stand very very close to them until this person offers him some. Despite the fact that he has his own yummy, cheesy, crunchy things about a foot away in his diaper bag. Once this person has relented and given him some food, he will of course expect more.
2. He will take sunglasses off stranger’s heads.
3. At the pool, he will attempt to put other children’s shoes on his feet. Yes, he will put his stinky, dirty, adorable toddler foot into stranger’s shoes. And if the parent tries to hide their child’s shoes, Cash will go to great lengths to find those shoes again. He’ll clear his whole afternoon schedule if he has too.
4. He will take a person’s phone out of their hands mid-text.
5. In a waiting room, he will climb up next to someone and demand to look at pictures of puppies on their phone. If this person doesn’t have a dog, he will expect him or her to find pictures of cute puppies on the internet. When Cash sees one to his liking, he will bring the phone over to me so I can see the puppies too. He will expect to keep the phone forever.
6. At a Mommy & Me class, he will walk over to another mother, sit in her lap and hand her a book to read. Not his own mother. Not a mother he knows. A mother he has never seen before. She will read the book because she has no idea what else to do. That’s what he is banking on.
7. He will walk up to someone, stand precisely one inch from them and stare at them until they give him something (a toy, food, their phone, their purse, their lifesavings – whatever, he’s flexible). They always oblige. He is patient, kind and relentless until he gets what he wants.
So if you happen to run into Cash, just be prepared. I will try to keep him under control but it’s best to lock down your stuff and hope for the best. And luckily, he is as cute as can be.
The other day I decided to go for a jog. So I put 2 year old Cash in the stroller and headed out…
You know what? That might not exactly be me.
1. I don’t jog. I’m more of a fast walk kind of girl. Like Billy Crystal in When Harry Met Sally. Because you know if you actually run, you might get a cramp and then you have to get someone to pick you up and you’ll have to break down the stroller and get it into the car trunk and well, that all sounds exhausting.
2. I don’t usually wear a stretchy bikini spandex outfit when exercising.
3. That couldn’t possibly be me because my son Cash is the Houdini of all strollers and would be out of that thing before I even had my first wedgy from that work out wear.
The kid can get himself out of all kinds of child safety straps. And then he usually takes off like a drunk cheetah in any direction. Or he just lies down the ground.
Unsanitary? Perhaps. Better than running into traffic? Definitely.
So to recap, that ain’t my child in the stroller.
That photo is actually a new stroller ad for Bugaboo.
I guess this marketing campaign targets hot model moms who like to run in swimwear.
If they debut a stroller for moms that speed walk like Billy Crystal and comes with a straight jacket mechanism to keep crazy toddlers from escaping, well, then they should contact me. Because I would totally be interested in that stroller.
Target is in trouble – at least with some of it’s customers.
Some shoppers are really ticked off about this “Trophy” t-shirt being sold at the retail chain.
They say it’s sexist and treats women like objects. And there’s even a petition on Change.org to get it removed from Target. With 13,000 signatures and counting.
Target has responded to the backlash by saying, “It is never our intention to offend anyone and we always appreciate receiving feedback from our guests. The shirt you’re describing is part of a collection of engagement and wedding shirts that are available in our women’s and plus size departments. The collection also included shirts that say ‘Team Bride,’ ‘Mrs.’ and ‘Bride.’ These shirts are intended as a fun wink and we have received an overwhelmingly positive response from our guests.”
But seriously, who would even wear a shirt like that?!
Oh never mind. I guess I would. Because I bought this sweatshirt like 4 years ago (not from Target).
My beef with the Target Trophy shirt is that it appears to be sort of unflattering and you can basically see through the material.
Plus, many shoppers on social media have said it’s hanging in the Juniors department and as a mom to three girls, I would not be happy to see it there. Fun wink or not.
But as a fun novelty gift for adults? I don’t see a problem with it. But where is the male equivalent?!
Your move Target.
Just when you think there is nothing new out there – Bam. There is. And it’s women dying their armpit hair. I swear.
This is happening.
(Photos courtesy of Free Your Pits)
There is even a website (of course) called Free Your Pits that is dedicated to well, freeing your pits. The founders say, “Our goal is to use this demonstration of personal choice and expression to help broaden and challenge the standard of ‘beauty’ in a society that already places way too many harmful standards on women.”
Amen to that right?
But you don’t have to embrace the hair, to join their cause. They say, “Today we ask you to join us in this effort by being true to yourself, whatever that might mean. Whether you shave or not, women should be allowed to make decisions about their bodies without judgement from others.”
Absolutely. And now I feel sort of bad that I made one very close family member shave her armpits before she wore a sleeveless dress to my wedding so I hope she can forgive me for that.
Now if you want to grow out and color your armpit hair, you can go to a salon. But that can cost you like $65. Or if you are more the DIY type, there are YouTube tutorials.
Or I just sprayed my daughter’s pink hairspray on my shaven armpits.
What do you think? I got to join this trend without even getting hairy!
My armpits feel freer already.