Did you hear that Katy Perry and Kelly Osbourne are pregnant?
The Twitter universe spotted a slight belly on Katy Perry at the Grammy’s and oh my gosh, she even touched her stomach!
And Kelly is apparently with child too!
Just like Jennifer Aniston has been pregnant 500 times!
I have a thought. Maybe she’s not pregnant – since I’ve never seen her with 500 kids. Maybe the elastic on her spanks got a little stretched out. Maybe she had her period. Maybe she was slouching in an unflattering way. Maybe she was bloated. Maybe it wasn’t the best dress for her. Maybe she had one too many tacos for dinner because they were AMAZING or maybe like most of us, she doesn’t have a washboard stomach.
It would be super fabulous if we didn’t assume every female celebrity is pregnant just because they haven’t been on a juice cleanse for six days.
And if all these female celebs are pregnant, then I guess Russell Crowe is too…
And so is Jason Biggs…
And Clint Eastwood…
They all have the cutest baby bumps! I wonder if they are discussing baby names yet?!
Back in October, actress Jennifer Garner read about her baby bump in the tabloids.
And she confirmed on The Ellen DeGeneres Show that there was indeed a baby bump.
“I am not pregnant, but I’ve had three kids and there is a ‘bump.’ From now on ladies, I will have a ‘bump’ and it will be my ‘baby bump’ and let’s just all settle in and get used to it, it’s not going anywhere.”
Yup, you tell them Jennifer.
Here’s how you can tell if a celebrity is really pregnant. Their bellies will get bigger and bigger until a baby comes out. When you see a photo of an adorable baby on Instagram with an unusual name like Toyota or Pomegranate or Sunshine Mania, then the celeb was indeed pregnant.
At the time this post was published, none of the following people are actually pregnant:
I’m not really a sit back and do nothing kind of girl. In fact, I seriously super suck at doing nothing. Which is why recovering from abdominal surgery has been an unhappy time for me.
Now almost three weeks out, I was making progress until I pushed myself too far and I don’t want to blame anyone but…
this kid might have had something to do with it.
So I’ve been a bit tortured by the pain again. I’m dealing with it by obsessively watching “The Good Wife.” I’m now on Season 2 and still waiting for Alicia to throw her hair back in a ponytail. How can you wear your hair down and an Ann Taylor suit every moment of your life?! But I love the show so whoever recommended it, you’re awesome.
Please no “Good Wife” spoilers. Well, you can tell me if she ever wears a ponytail.
I’ve also been clicking on ridiculous links like… “80s Stars You Won’t Recognize Today.” And they aren’t kidding. Remember Kelly McGillis from “Top Gun?”
This is her today…
Say what?! Would you ever recognize her? I’m thinking it might really be Annie Lennox.
Things have not be easy for my husband Rick. He’s had to handle the bulk of the kids, the house, and his job. But he seems to be okay. Except for when I found him googling “boarding schools for toddlers.” Apparently they don’t exist. Which is ridiculous.
So while you’re mulling over the possibility of starting the Princeton Academy for High Spirited Toddlers, you can also find me here…
I’m talking about school uniforms on Alpha Mom. Are uniforms the devil or our savior?!
And on Lifetime moms, I’m writing about a barbershop that will give an old man haircut to naughty kids. Definitely funny. Definitely public humiliation.
I don’t understand this constant effort to polarize moms against each other. There are the working moms vs. the stay at home moms. The good moms vs the bad moms. And the helicopter moms vs. the free range moms. The moms who cried during the Parenthood series finale and the ones who didn’t (okay, maybe no one is talking about that.)
The problem with this effort to put moms in boxes and pit them against each other is that most moms don’t fit easily into any of these categories and we also don’t have much interest in attacking each other. Or at least I don’t.
I know moms who work outside the home. I know ones who don’t. But a lot of mothers I know do some combination of both. Some moms make Pinterest worthy organic gourmet cupcakes for playdates and some put out a bag of pretzels for the kids. The way I see it – both are fantastic options because my kid is at your house having fun. So I’m just grateful you invited her over.
And then the helicopter moms vs. the free range moms. Which are you? Probably neither – right? Do I need to watch my children every second of their existence? No. Would I let them take a Greyhound bus alone to Atlantic City? Unlikely. Like you – I’m somewhere in between.
I know my children’s capabilities. I know what they are comfortable doing. I know what I’m comfortable letting them do. Parenthood is a process of letting go, giving my children more and more freedom until they are ready to tackle this crazy world on their own – with the hopes of them someday finding me an assisted living facility with a sushi bar and a wine happy hour.
Silently judge a mom and I promise – you’ll probably end up in her shoes one day. I remember when my first daughter was a toddler. I watched a mom literally use her own hat as a tissue to blow her kid’s nose. I mean, OMG gross. Throw a packet of tissues in your diaper bag! Stop in a bathroom and grab some toilet paper!
But don’t use your hat to wipe your kid’s nose.
Yeah, well… fast forward and I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had my kids’ snot on my own clothing. Because who the hell remembers to keep tissues in their diaper bag? In fact, I haven’t even seen that diaper bag for weeks. We are all doing the best we can here.
Instead of judging another mom – maybe learn a little something from her. The mom with the fantastic shoes at the playground probably knows where to find the most comfortable wedges ever. I bet the mom who bakes those gourmet cupcakes knows a super fast recipe that anyone could handle. And the mom who has 5 children probably knows a great way to get kids of all ages doing chores. I swear, I do.
We need to have compassion and respect for other people’s choices. I’m not a good mom and you aren’t a bad mom. We are moms who are doing what we can to raise thoughtful, amazing children who will make this world into a more creative, beautiful place.
Back when I was single, Valentine’s Day was a very big deal. If I wasn’t dating someone, I tried to just plow through the day and hope for the love of cupid my mother didn’t send me a gigantic arrangement of carnations to the office with a note reading, “I love you!! Love, Mom.”
If I was dating someone, I prayed with the intensity of a thousand suns that my significant other would send two dozen roses to my workplace. Obviously there is no point in getting flowers at home since you really aren’t trying to impress Larry the doorman.
No, the roses must come to your office where all your co-workers can cast their eyes on the glorious vibrant bouquet and think to themselves, “Wow. That is one lucky girl!”
Since those days, I have celebrated many Valentine’s days with my husband Rick.
He has given me chocolate. He has given me roses. He has even given me a very sexy velour hoodie footie…
But I don’t need any of these things.
For Valentine’s Day, I only need one true act of love. That is – I need my husband to get the electrician over to our house and fix the dim lightening in our master bathroom so it STOPS HUMMING.
When we first got the dimmer installed, it hummed on the lowest setting. It drove me nuts.
It took months to get the electrician back because we kept forgetting to call and when we did call, he kept forgetting to come.
He finally showed up and installed a new light dimmer. Which conveniently HUMS ALL THE TIME no matter what the setting.
Of course it’s totally unimportant in the scheme of things but totally maddening in the daily life of living. So my dear husband, track down that electrician and get the lightening fixed and I will be yours forever.
And if you are looking for the perfect Valentine’s Day gift for your significant other, don’t buy him or her these…
(Yes, those are tandem mittens so couples can hold hands while keeping warm. I don’t know who that couple is but boy, they really seem to like their mittens!)
Instead this Valentine’s Day, get the love of your life something he or she will cherish forever. Maybe get that broken faucet fixed in the downstairs bathroom. Hang the pictures that are still sitting in the hall. Go buy those speciality bulbs for one of the bedrooms and change the light bulbs. Remember to actual record TV shows in HD, instead of SD. Whatever is driving your spouse crazy… fix it, change it and improve the quality of their life.
Because that is what love is all about.
I’m sure you’ve been wondering what I’ve been doing while recovering from surgery. Mostly 4 things….
1. Trying to untwist one of those double layered tops from the cult store Justice. If you don’t have tween girls – let me explain. They sell these tops that are really 2 shirts but sewn together at the shoulder. So after you wash and dry it, the 2 tops are twisted together like a Rubik’s cube. It’s maddening…
2. I’ve also been trying to trademark “This Sick Beat” before Taylor Swift. But she beat me to it. She even trademarked another one of her lyrics, “Party like it’s 1989!” which really sucks because that was my new life motto and I just had it tattooed over my belly button.
3. I also started an epic letter writing campaign to prevent Ray Romano from marrying Sarah on the series finale of “Parenthood.” While everyone was stocking up on tissues for the final show of this at times depressing but very well done drama, I was trying to urgently prevent the inevitable joining of Hank and Sarah in matrimony.
The couple has zero on screen chemistry and they should just let her marry Adam Braverman who plays her brother but is actually her boyfriend in real life. A sibling marriage would really shake things up in the final episode.
Anyway, the finale just aired and obviously my letter writing campaign was a bust. Mostly because the only people who wrote letters were me and some sibling marriage advocate out in Duluth.
But the finale was very sweet and well done. And of course sad. Mostly sad because of Drew’s little mustache but other stuff too. But I really liked the FNL Jason Street cameo in one of the last scenes. If only they had worked in Coach Taylor too.
4. Finally, I also wrote a few articles on Lifetime Moms like why parents really dread making school lunches…
And why there is no point moving to France now because you won’t be allowed to name your kid Nutella…
I hope these cheer you up from your “Parenthood” is over blues.