This is what I wish someone had told me before I had kids: “TRAVEL EVERYWHERE BECAUSE ONCE YOU HAVE KIDS – IT WONT BE EASY TO LEAVE THEM OR BRING THEM.”
I took a work trip to Cincinnati last week to visit Luvs headquarters at Procter & Gamble and learn about secret diaper technology. Of course, all this inside diaper knowledge only adds to my image as a glamorous lady of mystery and intrigue. That is my image, right?
Days before the trip, I was stressed. And kind of nauseous. I made lists, reconfirmed sitters and bought a lot of food because I would hate for my children to be without super powered, extra orange cheddar flavored blasted double crunchy snacks for 48 hours.
I was pretty much stressed out longer than the actual trip. And the flights did not help because I hate that they won’t let me fly the plane which means I have to hand over my fate to the pilot.
And I become super religious when I fly. Any slight bumpy air and I immediately say prayers to every kind of deity I can think of – the more the better! Of course, the flights were fine and I landed not in Cincinnati as I was promised but Kentucky.
Apparently Kentucky borders Ohio although I’m still not convinced.
When I got there, the driver informed me that there were “mom bloggers” in town so I guess I should have been on the lookout for those crazy ladies.
The trip was quick. But I did get to reconnect with awesome bloggers, meet some very creative people, learn cool things about Luvs that I will tell you about in the coming year, eat a gigantic rib dinner and rode the ducks.
That is a car/boat. The locals give you looks of pity and amusement when you ride by them, blowing your complimentary duck whistle but they are obviously afraid to have fun.
I also found this in my bathroom of the 21c Museum Hotel…
You try to pee while that penguin stares at you.
But very soon, I was already back in South Florida and 2 year old Cash came running to the door to greet me with a….. “Hi daddy!”
He must have missed me a lot.
I recently got an order confirmation from Amazon for these…
Hmm… padded bike shorts. Despite the obvious sex appeal, why would my husband need these? So I sent him the following email…
Dear future biking enthusiast: You have a pair of these in the attic.
He wrote back…
What? When did I ever wear bike shorts?
I wrote back…
On our trip to Italy. In 2006. Remember I was 5 months pregnant and decided we should go biking through the Tuscan Hills. So we bought bike shorts, rented bikes and I lasted 23 minutes before I gave up.
He wrote back…
That was 9 years ago. How do you know we still have them?
And I wrote back…
Because they are in a box in the attic.
And he wrote back…
You have a sickness.
And I wrote back….
Now that you have two pairs, I hope you’re planning to do a lot of biking!
Meanwhile, my husband has become quite the online shopper because this also arrived…
I am not the biggest fan of stuff. You know how most people are happy when people give them presents and free things. Well, it makes me hyperventilate. I start plotting in my mind how I can get rid of it as quickly as possible.
So I never like something this big to arrive in my home. Especially something I don’t know about. Because mystery packages always ends up being a hand painted spice rack or wagon wheel coffee table.
And because my husband and I have been married for roughly a hundred years, he knows this about me.
I wrote to Rick…
I’m panicked. What is this gigantic box that just arrived?
Rick wrote back…
It’s your birthday present!
And I wrote…
But how could you buy me a present when I haven’t told you what I want yet. Never go rogue. Remember how much I loved my mother’s day gift because I told you exactly what I wanted?
And he wrote…
Just open it.
And I wrote…
Not until my birthday.
And he wrote…
Just open it.
And I wrote…
Nope. You are going to have to be tortured with the sinking feeling that you shouldn’t have gone rogue for the next few weeks.
And he wrote…
I have no worries. You’ll love it.
And I wrote…
It’s good to be optimistic.
That’s way too big a box for matching bike pants, right?
My dad got engaged. The last time he got married was in like 1967. So it’s been almost 50 years. You can’t say he’s rushing into marriage again.
I actually knew his fiancée before he did – through Rick’s family here is South Florida. So they met when we moved to Florida (and my dad came along with us).
I was really worried about my dad acclimating to Florida. Here was a guy who had spent most of his life in Massachusetts. He loves the Red Socks, still says “wicked” and lived a quiet life on Cape Cod. How was he going to like the hot sunshine, palm trees and Disney quality of South Florida? Plus, he basically didn’t know anyone in Florida besides us.
Well, it took him about 3 minutes to adjust. (I’m still working on it.)
And his fiancé was a huge part of that. They are two kindred souls and I’m very happy they found each other. She’s just the kind of person I aways hoped he’d find.
When I was growing up, I always wanted both my parents to remarry. I didn’t have that longing to see them back together but I wanted them to find someone, so I wouldn’t have to worry about them so much.
Over the years, as I got older, I realized that I couldn’t be responsible for my mother’s or my father’s happiness or destinies. They each had to take their own path. And they found their own way.
My dad says he is going to have a very, very, very, very, very small wedding.
Which is fine by me as long as there is room for one flower girl, two ring bearers and 2 junior bridesmaids (you know, my kids).
5 year old Harlowe is desperate for a flower girl position before her flower girl window closes. Whenever someone comes by the house who could even potentially get married, she throws rose petals at their feet.
She’s already got the dress. And the flower girl look.
Now all we need is a wedding date. No pressure.
For years, Bruce Jenner and I have been close…
I guess when I say close, I mean I once got a picture taken with him at a blogging conference.
And I’m all about Bruce being Caitlyn. But do her boobs have to be soooo much better than mine?!
She’s seriously pretty, right?
Jenner has a sultry Renee Russo/ Jessica Lange vibe going on.
You know Kris Jenner is fuming right now because who wants their ex-husband to be hotter than them?!
Or maybe Kris Jenner’s just distraught that she didn’t spell Caitlyn with their signature family “K.” It’s hard to know.
In response to the Vanity Fair cover, Kim Kardashian West tweeted, “How beautiful! Be happy, be proud, live life YOUR way!”
Very supportive. Although I think she originally added, “I love you but next time you have a big magazine cover, please try not to stomp on my, ‘I’m pregnant again!’ news.”
Of course, the newly debuted Caitlyn Jenner will have her supporters (already 1.7 million followers on Twitter) and her critics. But she doesn’t have any regrets, telling Vanity Fair…
“If I was lying on my deathbed and I had kept this secret and never ever did anything about it, I would be lying there saying, ‘You just blew your entire life.'”
Hey everyone. It’s 2 year old Cash! I’m so exhausted from the weekend. Do you know how tiring it is to never stop moving for 12 hours a day?!
Plus arching my back and screaming, “NOOOOOOOOO” every time they put me in a carseat is quite taxing. Don’t believe me? Try it sometime. It will sap your energy like nobody’s business. Whatever the heck that means. I heard my mom say it once.
Anyway, I had the best day, proving once again I am the most fun out of the five kids around here. I loved playing at the water park. Oh wait, you might call it a sink.
I covered the whole floor with water. I’m plotting how I can turn the whole thing into an ice skating rink next time. Anyone knows where I can rent a zamboni? If you do, call my mom’s cell. But don’t tell her it’s for me.
We went grocery shopping too. Best part is of course throwing the stuff out of the cart as soon as my parents put it in. It causes my mom to do a lot of deep sighing and gets her completely distracted so my siblings can sneak in a double layer fudge cake. She doesn’t notice it until check out and then she just lets it slide.
Man, I could write a book about how to break your parents. I’ve got to find a good ghost writer.
This weekend, we also went to the race track where we got to see a lot of horses. Honestly, I wasn’t paying much attention because I’m not really a gambler and I was busy collecting empty beer bottles from the bleachers. A toddler’s work is never done. I’m thinking of starting my own recycling business.
One exciting development is that I figured out how to get out of my stroller so now I can do this thing called, “Stand up in my stroller while it’s moving” which seems to make my mother very agitated.
And you wouldn’t believe it but they tried one of these out on me….
My big sister Dylan has wanted a dog FOREVER so I think they are secretly trying to turn me into one! They claim it’s to prevent me from running into traffic but I’m not gullible people!! I know what you are doing.
My foot is still healing from when I stepped on glass and had to have surgery. I’m probably going to have a little scar on my foot. I can’t wait to impress the ladies. They love a guy who’s rough and tumble like that.
Meanwhile, my parents keep referring to me as a “crazy maniac monkey” which I can only assume means “handsome toddler” although I’ve never googled it.
Alright, I’m off to turn the laundry bins upside down! I just can’t seem to get a moment of relaxation around here.