Did you know there is a big tech thing going on? It’s the International Consumer Electronics Show. It’s taking place in Las Vegas so I can only assume that most of the people attending are drunk.
At the show, companies show off their cool gadgets like the smart belt that loosens your buckle when you’ve eaten too much (think the opposite of Spanks). It’s called the Belty. Can you imagine how many hours went into thinking up that name?
This smart belt automatically adjusts itself throughout the day, depending on how much you’ve eaten and how much exercise you’ve done. So basically, take the stairs at work or your belt will be mocking you for eating that Boston creme pie you had at lunch by calling you Fatty. Thanks Belty!
It also keeps track of your overall health, and encourages you to get moving when you’ve been sitting for too long by vibrating. Which will probably make you think you have text messages. But nope. You’re just being too lazy. According to your belt.
There is also the Baby GiGL, a smart baby bottle holder. Now I immediately assumed this bottle could magically feed a baby in the middle of the night without waking the mother but apparently it just helps parents keep track of how much and how quickly a baby is drinking (Not alcohol. Milk.)
It also gives you feedback on how to properly hold the bottle at a particular angle so the baby doesn’t swallow air. It’s $100 bucks. Which is also the cost of nice dinner out. So you decide which you need more after having a baby.
And then there is the ring. It’s like an amazing engagement ring except it’s really ugly and doesn’t come with a groom.
This $130 ring turns you into a wizard of sorts, allowing you to wave your finger around to close their curtains, turn on televisions, and flip on lights. If you’ve always wanted to be a magician, this is really your jam.
Of course, there is a disclaimer that the ring can cause itchiness, irritation and rashes. But isn’t that worth it if you don’t have to undertake the laborious task of flipping on your light switch?
The ring will also vibrate when you are getting a text message or social media notification. That way you won’t miss one Tweet, Facebook update or text.
Because we all made a New Year’s resolution to spend more time looking at our phone.
You know what gadget they need to invent? The one which makes me super alert and interested when my daughter is taking 15 minutes to describe a recent “Jesse” episode. Or maybe one that always keeps children hydrated so they don’t immediately ask for water every single time they get in the car. Or maybe one that just stops kids from growing up so ridiculously fast.
I’ll be looking for those at next year’s Consumer Electronics show.
This conversation took place during one very long car ride between South Florida and Memphis.
Wife: I can’t spend one more minute in this car.
Husband: We only have 11 hours left.
Wife: Seriously, I can’t do it. Hey, look at that car. I love a person who is creative enough to use duct tape to keep their fender on.
Husband: See, that really cheered you up!
Wife: SLOW DOWN.
Husband: I’m going the speed limit. I’m on cruise control.
Wife: The roads are slick. It’s misty out.
Husband: I’m not so sure about that.
Wife: Maybe we need to listen to a podcast. But I’m not listening to another one on pet guinea pigs. Or chicken.
Husband: That chicken one was amazing. Who knew they forbid chickens in Antarctica?!
Wife: You should have brought up your chicken obsession when we were dating.
Husband: When we lived in the city, I ordered chicken from Dallas BBQ every single night. How big a red flag did you need?
Wife: I guess I was too blinded by love to notice your poultry addiction. I feel an emptiness in my heart.
Husband: Why? Because I can no longer get chicken delivered to my doorstep?
Wife: No. I feel an emptiness because The O.C. was such a good show and it just never got the critical acclaim it deserved.
Husband: Peter Gallagher clearly should of won an Emmy.
Wife: I really need Whoppers.
Husband: Didn’t you just eat an entire carton like a half hour ago?
Wife: Yes, but I think a carton is only one serving size or else why would they put it all in one box? So I’ll need more as soon as possible.
Wife: One of the kids is yelling from the back that they have to go to the bathroom again. We should have all worn diapers, right? We are never visionaries like that.
Husband: (yelling to the back) WE WILL STOP IN 10 MINUTES AT THE NEXT REST STOP!! They can’t hear me. They are all wearing their headsets. I think someone is crying. And another one just said they want to adopt a baby raccoon.
Wife: (yelling to the back) PLEASE STOP CRYING. WE ARE STOPPING VERY SOON. NOONE IS GETTING A RACCOON. Well, at least when we stop, I can get more candy. And then we’ll listen to another podcast. Here’s one on pineapple farming. Does that sound good?
Husband: That’s not a real podcast.
Wife: Are you so sure about that? I never told you but my family has a long rich history of pineapple farming.
Husband: That is absolutely not true.
Wife: Oh my gosh. I feel trapped in this car. You have to go faster. Everyone is passing you. You know it’s dangerous to go too slow on the highway.
Husband: I’m still going the speed limit. I’m on cruise control. And I thought it was misty.
Wife: I don’t remember ever saying that. Are we there yet?
There is something about a new year that makes us all want to be better people. But of course, it’s exhausting to come up with resolutions. I mean, you haven’t even found time to fold the laundry. So I came up with some resolutions for you. Don’t feel like you have to do something for me in return. Well, if you do… I really like candy. Chocolate specifically. Happy New Year!
New Year’s Resolutions for Moms:
Decal “Hot Mama” on your minivan. Or better yet, decal “Hunk of Burning Love” on your husband’s car as a surprise.
Give money to organizations you believe in. The Ryan Gosling Shirtless Calendar Fund does not count.
Yell less. Or at least try not to yell when you are telling your kids to stop yelling.
Sit down with your children more. Clean less. Okay, clean the toilet. Because it’s seriously gross.
Start that Josh Lucas fan club you’ve been meaning to kick start since “Sweet Home Alabama” came out.
Recycle more. Bring reusable bags to the grocery store. When you forget the bags – explain to the cashier that you are super green but also super forgetful.
Look at your phone less. Except if you have a really really important Facebook update. Okay, maybe just a quick scan of your newsfeed.
Be kind. When you’re not kind, apologize. If they don’t accept your apology, cry until they do.
Sleep 8 hours. Warning: This will not work unless your children are on board with this.
Floss. Try not to resent your spouse who never flosses and never has cavities because come on, how does he do that?!
Ask that mom who is about your age and always looks awesome, how does she always look that awesome?!
Start a kickstarter campaign for Botox and fillers because it turns out that’s how that mom looks so awesome.
Tell your spouse how much you love him. But if he keeps doing that hot breath thing on your face at night, that deep love could be in jeopardy.
Practice random acts of kindness. Like randomly not getting annoyed that members of your family keep leaving empty cartons of everything in the fridge. And of course, paying for strangers’ Starbucks coffees too.
Find some sort of exercise that doesn’t feel like you are stabbing yourself in the eyes and do it somewhat regularly. Chocolate yoga anyone? (Yes, it’s a real thing.)
Be grateful. Because there are so many moments of beauty, amazement and laughter in this world. We just have to see them.
Sharing does not come naturally to most people. Especially to children who really really like their new toys.
Despite the fact that Santa was smart enough to bring my 4 year old son Chase some of the same exact toys as his cousin Matej, there was still a lot of this….
And some of this…
Like about 17 times a day.
When my son Chase wasn’t fighting over toys, he was planning his strategy on how to swipe a certain toy out of his cousin’s hands or wracked with paranoia that Matej might be plotting the same kind of toy stealing counter attack against him.
(Man, the holidays are draining.)
But at least at night, when they slept soundly with visions of sugar plums and lightsabers in their heads, they knew their toys were put away, safe and untouched.
You know, unless the adults got ahold of them…
We could totally be wine swigging Jedi knights.
The best thing about a 15 hour road trip is obviously once you get there, do a head count and realize you do indeed have your entire family with you.
Not that you thought you would lose one but things did get a little rowdy at Chuck E. Cheese in Alabama.
My husband seemed all on board for this road trip from South Florida to Memphis until a few days before the trip when he said…
“I may have to go to Cuba for work.”
Did we really need to erase cold war hostility between the US and Cuba 8 days before Christmas? This is why women should run the world. Women would be way more practical. They’d be like, “We’d love to get rid of that 50 year embargo but these gifts aren’t going to wrap themselves. But January is wide open for diplomacy changes!”
Rick ended up not going to Cuba because of some visa issues.
And then shortly after he announced, “I have bronchitis!”
Some people will do anything to get out of a long drive, right? And he really played it up with a hacking cough and chills.
But he powered through and on Saturday afternoon, an hour and a half past when we were planning to leave, we hit the road!
4 year old Chase immediately said, “Do we have to go on the highway?”
I assured him we were taking all back roads.
The whole trip is kind of a blur. My favorite part might be when the kids were watching a movie with their headphones on and called out for me, “MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?”
Of course, I’m answering them like any good personal assistant but they can’t hear me because their headphones are on. So I keep saying, “What? Take your headphones off. What can I do for you? TAKE YOUR HEAD PHONES OFF!!!”
And they respond, “MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?”
You can kill 6 minutes of a road trip doing this.
I knew we had been in the car a very very long time and must almost be in Memphis when Rick said to me, “We should travel the state fair circuit and sell pork chop pops. I bet no one is doing that. Write that down. So we don’t forget it. We’ll call them chop pops for short!”
Chop pops. Got it.
I’m totally flying back.