You know when you see a headline and you think, “I really don’t want to read about that” but then you click on it anyway because you apparently need to torture yourself a little bit?
Well, that’s what happened when I saw the headline, “Kourtney Kardashian Eats Her Own ‘Yummy’ Placenta.”
Panicked about a life where I don’t fully understand Kourtney Kardashian and her relationship with her placenta, I saw no choice but to click. And she is indeed the latest celebrity to be on the placenta eating bandwagon post pregnancy. January Jones is on board too!
Apparently eating your placenta can have all kinds of health benefits like regaining energy, increasing milk production and even combating postpartum depression.
But you have to eat your placenta!
Now thankfully, you don’t have to marinate it and throw it on the grill. Someone qualified (a Placentarian or something) can crush it up and make it into pills so it’s way less gross.
Here are Kourtney’s placenta pills. Thank goodness Instagram exists or else we would never have access to these kinds of photos…
But some celebs like “Girls” actress Gaby Hoffmann prefer to go the smoothie route…
She told one magazine, “I made smoothies out of it for three weeks. I had a home birth, so my midwife and my doula took it and cut it up into 20 pieces and froze it, and every day, I put it in a blender with strawberries and blueberries and guava juice and a banana, and I drank that sh*t up.”
Does that sound one step away from cannibalism?
I’ll support anything that helps new moms and the reality is some suffer from debilitating postpartum depression. So if this works for them, then hot damn, eat it up!
You can even find cookbooks on how to prepare it. I don’t know about slow cooker recipes.
Other moms have said that consuming their placenta had a negative effect on them like severe mood swings.
I can report that in my 4 pregnancies, it had no effect on me because I never did it. Look, I have enough problems eating chicken. The placenta was never for me.
I don’t know how you eat but this is how I eat way too many meals…
Hunched over in a corner of my kitchen trying to shovel back anything I can find before one of the children notices me and demands something.
And trying to figure out what exactly to eat is incredibly taxing on my brain. Coming up with 3 meals a day for my kids must take all my available food memory.
But then I got a visit from some kind of food angel because DeliverLean, a South Florida healthy meal delivery service, wanted to bring me gourmet meals for 5 days.
Bring it on! I’ll eat anything!! Especially if I don’t have to cook it.
But these meals are SERIOUSLY GOURMET. Take a look at the shrimp putanesca with carrot spaghetti and braised rapini…
Photo Credit: Me! Just before I ate the whole thing. Yum!
If I ordered this at a restaurant on a Saturday night, I would have been happy. It was that good.
They have meals like balsamic marinated chicken with baby zucchini and squash. And turkey bacon wrapped pork tenderloin with fig chutney, orange srirachi butternut and shitake. You don’t even have to know what srirachi is to love it. (It’s chili sauce so you can impress your foodie friends.)
My husband tried many of the meals too and this was one of his comments….
“The vegetables are so good. Tender and delicious. Just perfect.”
Thank you honey! You’re tender and delicious too!
Oh wait, I think he was talking about the vegetables.
DeliverLean also has organic cold-pressed juices by OnJuice and healthy vegan snacks. Like OMG I wanted to marry the gingerbread kale chips they were so delicious…
There are also desserts like a chocolate mint tart or this super delish raw vegan coconut vanilla tart…
The meals come in plastic containers. If it needed heating, I simply put it on a plate and heated it in the microwave (because I don’t like to reheat in plastic containers). The only thing I can’t rave about are the breakfast meals that featured eggs because I find eggs are really hard to reheat perfectly.
DeliverLean has 6 meal plans to choose from, including Traditional, Paleo /Low-Cal, Organic Protein, Gluten Free, Vegetarian or Vegan. Each meal has 300 to 400 calories with a balance of lean protein, complex carbs, healthy fats and fresh fruits and vegetables.
You can also mix and match plans. Plus you can tell them the foods that you are allergic to or just really can’t stand (like beets might not be your jam, you know?)
Meal plans start at $8.95 per meal and are delivered right to your door before you even wake up which is almost ridiculously convenient.
This really is a fantastic food plan if you are trying to lose weight, if you are a crazy parent who is tired of eating fattening leftover chicken nuggets off your kids’ plates or for people who are just busy with work and life and don’t have time to think about meals.
So if you live in South Florida and find yourself eating cereal hunched over in the corner of your kitchen – then try DeliverLean. And this is the best part – you’ll get 3 FREE days when you sign up for the 4 week plan by clicking here.
This is a sponsored post for DeliverLean. All ideas are my own.
Did you know there is a big tech thing going on? It’s the International Consumer Electronics Show. It’s taking place in Las Vegas so I can only assume that most of the people attending are drunk.
At the show, companies show off their cool gadgets like the smart belt that loosens your buckle when you’ve eaten too much (think the opposite of Spanks). It’s called the Belty. Can you imagine how many hours went into thinking up that name?
This smart belt automatically adjusts itself throughout the day, depending on how much you’ve eaten and how much exercise you’ve done. So basically, take the stairs at work or your belt will be mocking you for eating that Boston creme pie you had at lunch by calling you Fatty. Thanks Belty!
It also keeps track of your overall health, and encourages you to get moving when you’ve been sitting for too long by vibrating. Which will probably make you think you have text messages. But nope. You’re just being too lazy. According to your belt.
There is also the Baby GiGL, a smart baby bottle holder. Now I immediately assumed this bottle could magically feed a baby in the middle of the night without waking the mother but apparently it just helps parents keep track of how much and how quickly a baby is drinking (Not alcohol. Milk.)
It also gives you feedback on how to properly hold the bottle at a particular angle so the baby doesn’t swallow air. It’s $100 bucks. Which is also the cost of nice dinner out. So you decide which you need more after having a baby.
And then there is the ring. It’s like an amazing engagement ring except it’s really ugly and doesn’t come with a groom.
This $130 ring turns you into a wizard of sorts, allowing you to wave your finger around to close their curtains, turn on televisions, and flip on lights. If you’ve always wanted to be a magician, this is really your jam.
Of course, there is a disclaimer that the ring can cause itchiness, irritation and rashes. But isn’t that worth it if you don’t have to undertake the laborious task of flipping on your light switch?
The ring will also vibrate when you are getting a text message or social media notification. That way you won’t miss one Tweet, Facebook update or text.
Because we all made a New Year’s resolution to spend more time looking at our phone.
You know what gadget they need to invent? The one which makes me super alert and interested when my daughter is taking 15 minutes to describe a recent “Jesse” episode. Or maybe one that always keeps children hydrated so they don’t immediately ask for water every single time they get in the car. Or maybe one that just stops kids from growing up so ridiculously fast.
I’ll be looking for those at next year’s Consumer Electronics show.
This conversation took place during one very long car ride between South Florida and Memphis.
Wife: I can’t spend one more minute in this car.
Husband: We only have 11 hours left.
Wife: Seriously, I can’t do it. Hey, look at that car. I love a person who is creative enough to use duct tape to keep their fender on.
Husband: See, that really cheered you up!
Wife: SLOW DOWN.
Husband: I’m going the speed limit. I’m on cruise control.
Wife: The roads are slick. It’s misty out.
Husband: I’m not so sure about that.
Wife: Maybe we need to listen to a podcast. But I’m not listening to another one on pet guinea pigs. Or chicken.
Husband: That chicken one was amazing. Who knew they forbid chickens in Antarctica?!
Wife: You should have brought up your chicken obsession when we were dating.
Husband: When we lived in the city, I ordered chicken from Dallas BBQ every single night. How big a red flag did you need?
Wife: I guess I was too blinded by love to notice your poultry addiction. I feel an emptiness in my heart.
Husband: Why? Because I can no longer get chicken delivered to my doorstep?
Wife: No. I feel an emptiness because The O.C. was such a good show and it just never got the critical acclaim it deserved.
Husband: Peter Gallagher clearly should of won an Emmy.
Wife: I really need Whoppers.
Husband: Didn’t you just eat an entire carton like a half hour ago?
Wife: Yes, but I think a carton is only one serving size or else why would they put it all in one box? So I’ll need more as soon as possible.
Wife: One of the kids is yelling from the back that they have to go to the bathroom again. We should have all worn diapers, right? We are never visionaries like that.
Husband: (yelling to the back) WE WILL STOP IN 10 MINUTES AT THE NEXT REST STOP!! They can’t hear me. They are all wearing their headsets. I think someone is crying. And another one just said they want to adopt a baby raccoon.
Wife: (yelling to the back) PLEASE STOP CRYING. WE ARE STOPPING VERY SOON. NOONE IS GETTING A RACCOON. Well, at least when we stop, I can get more candy. And then we’ll listen to another podcast. Here’s one on pineapple farming. Does that sound good?
Husband: That’s not a real podcast.
Wife: Are you so sure about that? I never told you but my family has a long rich history of pineapple farming.
Husband: That is absolutely not true.
Wife: Oh my gosh. I feel trapped in this car. You have to go faster. Everyone is passing you. You know it’s dangerous to go too slow on the highway.
Husband: I’m still going the speed limit. I’m on cruise control. And I thought it was misty.
Wife: I don’t remember ever saying that. Are we there yet?
There is something about a new year that makes us all want to be better people. But of course, it’s exhausting to come up with resolutions. I mean, you haven’t even found time to fold the laundry. So I came up with some resolutions for you. Don’t feel like you have to do something for me in return. Well, if you do… I really like candy. Chocolate specifically. Happy New Year!
New Year’s Resolutions for Moms:
Decal “Hot Mama” on your minivan. Or better yet, decal “Hunk of Burning Love” on your husband’s car as a surprise.
Give money to organizations you believe in. The Ryan Gosling Shirtless Calendar Fund does not count.
Yell less. Or at least try not to yell when you are telling your kids to stop yelling.
Sit down with your children more. Clean less. Okay, clean the toilet. Because it’s seriously gross.
Start that Josh Lucas fan club you’ve been meaning to kick start since “Sweet Home Alabama” came out.
Recycle more. Bring reusable bags to the grocery store. When you forget the bags – explain to the cashier that you are super green but also super forgetful.
Look at your phone less. Except if you have a really really important Facebook update. Okay, maybe just a quick scan of your newsfeed.
Be kind. When you’re not kind, apologize. If they don’t accept your apology, cry until they do.
Sleep 8 hours. Warning: This will not work unless your children are on board with this.
Floss. Try not to resent your spouse who never flosses and never has cavities because come on, how does he do that?!
Ask that mom who is about your age and always looks awesome, how does she always look that awesome?!
Start a kickstarter campaign for Botox and fillers because it turns out that’s how that mom looks so awesome.
Tell your spouse how much you love him. But if he keeps doing that hot breath thing on your face at night, that deep love could be in jeopardy.
Practice random acts of kindness. Like randomly not getting annoyed that members of your family keep leaving empty cartons of everything in the fridge. And of course, paying for strangers’ Starbucks coffees too.
Find some sort of exercise that doesn’t feel like you are stabbing yourself in the eyes and do it somewhat regularly. Chocolate yoga anyone? (Yes, it’s a real thing.)
Be grateful. Because there are so many moments of beauty, amazement and laughter in this world. We just have to see them.