One of the most frequently asked questions when you have five kids is… “Do you and your husband EVER go out?”
And the answer is…. Yes! We go out almost every weekend – mostly because restaurants usually have very dim lighting and once you’re post 40, dim lighting is your dear dear friend.
We also go out because we love talking very loudly over even louder music.
And finally, we go out because it helps us remember why we like each other.
And I think it’s good for the kids too. They see mommy and daddy all ready to go out and they think to themselves, “Hey these two must really enjoy spending time with each other if they are leaving us. I mean, sure, they did have that quality time earlier today with the spirited discussion over who left the toaster oven on but I guess they want even more time together painting the town red.
(Why doesn’t anyone ever say that anymore? Off to paint the town red! I’m totally bringing that back. First bringing sexy back. Then that.)
The second most frequently asked question is… “How do you get anyone to babysit for 5 kids?”
It’s easy. You tell them you have 2 kids. And then once you are out, you text them, “Oh by the way, there are 3 more kids sleeping upstairs! See you in few hours!”
The truth is – it’s not all that hard to get a sitter at night.
Most of the job (other than the first hour) comprises of watching TV, eating food and sitting on a couch. There aren’t that many other job opportunities where you can get paid to do those three things at the same time. Trust me. I’ve looked on Monster jobs.
When we go out, I usually put my younger kids to bed before we leave so that only leaves 2 kids anyway. And my 7 and 9 year old are really good so it’s really like 0 kids. Bottom line: I’m paying someone to watch TV, eat food, sit on a couch and babysit 0 kids. Pretty much.
If I think I have a real pro on my hands, I will ask the sitter to fold a basket of laundry. Any smart babysitter will fail miserably at this job, folding things into crooked shapes and mixing all the different sizes and items so it’s virtually impossible to put away. And then I will never ask her again.
Final most frequently asked question… “How do you decide who sleeps in - you or your husband?”
If our 11-month-old sleeps until 10 am, we both do (this has never happened).
If our 11-month-old sleeps until 6:30 am, then whoever can pretend to sleep the longest until the other one groans and finally gets up, is the winner!
Sometimes I look at my house at the end of the day, and I see all the toys and the dirty dishes and the laundry and I think to myself…
Maybe I should just move.
I mean, I wouldn’t pack anything up. Just leave. And when the real estate broker would show our house to prospective buyers, she’d say things like, “Don’t worry about the dirty dishes and all that junk on the floor. The owner couldn’t take it anymore. She just could not clean up one more dirty, unmatched sock and left. Rumor has it that she is living above a chocolate croissant shop in the Ile de la Cité of Paris.”
Instead of a perfectly manicured lawn, the broker’s pamphlet for potential buyers would show half broken toys strewn across the lawn, a bent over cactus plant that our 9-year-old decided to plant in the middle of the yard, and a small river from the hose being left on accidentally for 18 hours.
There would be wet laundry in the machine that I had washed 14 times but kept forgetting to put in the dryer.
There would books held together by duct tape.
And enough hairbands to sew a hairband quilt if there was anyone on the planet who actually wanted a hairband quilt.
It would be like the opposite of “staging” a house. I would just leave it a complete hell hole.
So that’s one option.
Another option is to pray that the Glad clean up crew shows up at my house each night. How can you beat cleaning, pom poms and front flips?!
Can you imagine if they showed up at your house? I’d be so happy that I wouldn’t even ask why they loved to clean so much.
By the way, if you watch some of their entertaining TrashCrashers videos, you can get a coupon for those black Glad bags. That’s the kind of coupon you can actually use, unlike you know, a coupon for baby mascara or something.
This is a sponsored post by Glad. All ideas are my own. Especially the part about me living above a croissant shop in Paris.
My sister lives in Memphis and I don’t know if it’s the memory of Elvis or tasty BBQ or the music in that city but something is happening there because her kids are ridiculously advanced. For example, her son Matej is 3 but acts more like a mature 27.
When Matej was about a year and a half, he was talking like crazy. Complete complex sentences. Now that I think back, he was probably making jokes that were going over my head.
My twins, who are 9 months older than him, were saying — not a lot at the time. A “mama” here. A “dada” there. And shrieking “na-na” when they wanted a snack.
Here is the three of them back then….
Well, we spent a week with Matej at the beach that summer and afterward, my twin Chase must have turned to his sister Harlowe and said, “Holy crap! Did you hear our cousin Matej? He is kicking our baby asses in the speech department. We have got to start talking! Like now.”
And shortly after that vacation, they did start talking. Big time. And they have never stopped.
Well, now my sister has another son Callum who is about six weeks younger than my baby Cash. I was talking to my sister this weekend and she mentioned that Callum is clapping and waving.
Hmm… 11 month old Cash does NOT clap or wave.
But dammit, we will not be outshined again but that superpower family.
So here is a video of all the things Cash CAN do….
If you are at work and can’t play the video or you are trapped under something heavy and can’t press play, here’s the list:
1. ride an exercise bike
3. jumping jacks
4. Saturday Night Fever dance moves
I think we can crown Cash the champion baby.
My 3rd grader came home from school the other day and reported that she had noticed a few girls in her grade have underarm hair.
At which point my 1st grader piped in, “But women don’t have underarm hair!”
Oh man, didn’t they cover this on “Good Luck Charlie” or “Jesse” or something? Do I have to explain EVERYTHING around here?!
So I told them that developing girls and women do indeed grow underarm hair. It’s just that some choose to remove it.
(And it grows on the legs. And eventually the upper lip. And the chin. And someday you’ll find yourself plucking it at traffic lights. And then you’ll be plucking the chin hairs from your mother’s chin because she can’t see them anymore.)
After I unveiled the mystery of the underarm hair, my 1st grader wanted to know, “What about that thing you told us about? When do girls get that?”
“Your period? Well, some girls get it very early like 9 or 10. Or you can get it much later, like in your early teens. Or somewhere in between. And then you get it once a month.”
“And how long does it last?” my first grader pressed.
“Oh about 5 days.”
“No, I mean, how many months?”
I took a deep breath. This wasn’t going to be the best news ever.
“Well, once you have your period, you’ll most likely keep getting it until you are in your 40s or 50s.”
And that’s when my daughters started laughing.
Because they honestly thought I was kidding.
I finally convinced them that yes indeed your period can last 35 to 45 years.
But I put my best spin on it. I told them – even though it’s kind of a pain (flashback to white shorts on the wrong day) it’s beautiful because it allows you to hopefully have a baby some day!
“But I don’t want a baby someday. We have a baby. I want a dog,” my 3rd grader pointed out.
Yeah, well, I can’t help you there.
There are good Mother’s Day gifts. And bad ones. Like a bad one might be a new air conditioner filter. Or window insulation.
A good one might be a Ryan Gosling scented candle which smells like handsome, talented and endearing.
I get a lot of emails this time of year with ideas on Mother’s Day gifts. Like a breast pillow that reduces cleavage wrinkles while you sleep. Okay, that was a few years ago but I still can’t erase it from my mind.
But once in awhile I see a Mother’s Day gift that I just LOVE. Like love so much I’m giving it to my mother. And this year, it’s this…
There is one small heart for where I live in Florida, another small heart for where my sister lives in Memphis and they connect to a big heart where my mother lives in Connecticut. For those of you not near your mothers, I think this gift from City Prints is just sweet and cool. And the kind of thing my mother will adore.
And as a bonus – it’s a mini geography lesson!
So skip the flowers this year (because no one likes cleaning out those vases once the flowers die or is that just my issue?) or send the flowers too but give your mom one of these awesome prints for only $99.
Free shipping if you order by May 2nd. Click here to order or learn more.
This is a sponsored post. All ideas like the ones about cleavage wrinkles are my own.