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By Daphne Biener

On Saturday we treated the girls to Disney’s Princesses On Ice. It was a mash-up of all the fairy tales complete with flying sparkles and glitter. Wishes and dreams were coming true faster than a kiss-dodging frog.

Here’s the scene that kept playing in my head:

Hottie bartender winks, leans over and asks, “how’d you like that?”
Hottie me winks back, retorts: “How’d I like my princesses? On ice of course!”

This would be our finale. The crowning farewell to the princess phase. And now, with two girls and seven years under my belt, I have some thoughts about our regal friends. And so, I offer you this: Daphne’s Monday Morning Quarterback, The Princess Edition.

The weakest links— Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella
Into this category go our fair femmes, beautiful no doubt but constitutionally unsound. Yes, life dealt them a blow by leaving them with a pissy old witch, but show some gumption gals. Where’s your drive? Your self-respect? If you can’t be bothered to remedy your situation, why should a bunch of busy dwarfs rush in to save your sorry ass? Kindness toward woodland animals and mice will only take you so far once your looks start the long slide down that wishing well.

Bullheaded, Stupid — Ariel
This is tricky. In the interest of full disclosure I’ll admit there have been times when I’ve toyed with tossing in my land-locked legs for a rocking under-the-sea kingdom with a rasta-crab bud. But Ariel? This chick, at the sweet age of sixteen, defies her father and renounces not just her family but her entire species for a boy she saw just once. Yes, he’s got a beachfront castle and a kick-ass boat, but still, who among you wishes you cashed it all in for the guy you crushed on in 10th grade? As much as I feel the pull of that prized property, I simply cannot condone this one, what with its parting message of screw your parents and their restrictive rules and go see the witch next door to get your fix. As Ariel learned, only then will you get your ever after after all.

Self-righteous, with an eye for adventure – Belle, Jasmine
Belle pisses off the inane villagers because she can read. Jasmine rocks the casbah because she craves real-life experiences. They know they are better than everyone else, which may seem bitchy, but it’s actually a pretty fair appraisal of their situations. These babes crave adventure, and they’re fed up with serving as do-nothing pin-ups for the have-nots to drool over. I’m not exactly holding them up as role-models, but at least these royals have potential.

Back in Denver my wish has been granted. An hour and a half later, a handful of dreams came true and our children were spent. I checked foreheads just to be sure, and found them clear of even a passing sneeze of princess fever. The fairy-dust phase in our castle is at long last over. And this queen and her king smiled silently as we drew a line through future fairyland shows.

One last thought as I bid adieu to the Disney dames: did anyone else get a look at Aladdin? All shirtless and steamy, he was practically melting the ice as he slid around granting wishes. So go ahead, put the princesses on ice. I’m starting to warm up to those princes.

You can read more of Daphne’s work here on the mama bird diaries or visit her site, Sestina Queen.

9 Responses to put my princesses on ice

  • Jordana says:

    Daphne – I'm going to have to save this one until I am a little more up-to-snuff on my princesses. I swore that I would try and avoid the princess thing as long as possible. Unfortunately, I wanted to get Ava slippers and the ONLY ones that fit the bill had princesses on them. However, I'm calling them "ladies" not princesses. We'll see how long until she catches on ( :

  • Kristen says:

    Great writing. I too have avoided them for this long. I am hoping to do so a little while longer. There may be a wrench in my plan… my mother in law.

  • Lynda says:

    Oh we are feeling the bliss of the ex-princess days, now it is on to High School Musical and Hannah Montana! Are they better????? I'll let you know Monday after our Hannah Montana concert Sunday!

  • Tully's Mama says:

    I have to say that is a hilarious account of the Disney princesses. My daughter is still too young to understand anything besides Elmo, unfortunately, as her mother is a little over zealous when it comes to the whole line of Disney royalty. I will have a Britney-like meltdown if my daughter doesn't want to be a Disney princess at least one Halloween. I need help now before it's too late. Oh, Daphne, I have some bad news for you. I think Aladdin may have his sights on Prince Charming.

  • Grace Gentile! says:

    You are much too hard on those girls. I wish I had a little princess in this house. The closest I came to it was MJ loving the little mermaid because Ersala was sooo mean!

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