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By Daphne Biener

I brought out the brownies even though I held great doubts that the girls would finish their meals within my lifetime. By this point dinner had clocked in at 60+ minutes and I was pathetically hoping for a rendezvous with my toothbrush before daybreak brought yet another opportunity to dine with my darlings. I thought perhaps a sugary incentive would encourage them to sprint for the finish line.

Not to mention I finished all my pasta AND my salad AND my veggies. I earned my treat.

Lo and behold with the brownies dangling like the proverbial carrot on the stick, the girls polished off their pasta in record time and reached for dessert just as I was rewarding myself with a second brownie.

“Uh Mom, why do you get another brownie? That’s not fair.”

Here’s a list, in no particular order, of the potential responses to Kira’s question:

1. Well honey, I get another brownie because I am a fat pig with about as much self control as an Oreo skydiving into an ocean of milk.

2. Oh sweet-ums, you know mommy’s in training for dog-sledding in Alaska. If I want to remain competitive I simply must pack on more layers of insulating fat.

3. Do you know that I love you guys so much I am willing to lay down my body before the calorie caboose to spare you the pounds and the pimples?

4. Sometimes, when grown-ups love each other very much but don’t get the time to express that love; well, then those grown-ups have to eat extra brownies to compensate so they don’t tear each other limb from limb.

5. Oh sweetie, with my 20-year high school reunion coming up, it simply wouldn’t be fair to the aging-cheerleaders-turned-couch bonbons if mommy waltzed in looking this svelte and gorgeous, now would it?

Instead this Donna Reed approved message came out of my mouth, along with a few yummy crumbs:

“Because I am the Mom, and being a Mom is just about the most wonderful thing there is. Extra brownies, my loves, are barely the beginning.”

That’s good, right? Love and affection lightly sifted and laced with sarcasm (mmm tasty sarcasm). Pleased with myself, I leaned back and patted my round belly like a cat double-dipping her chocolate-coated canary.

“Really, Mom?” Acadia asked, “What about when babies cry at you all the time?” No love lost between my youngest and the crabby cretins the rest of us call babies.

Kira chimed in, “And how about when we kicked you so hard from the inside that you threw up? It wasn’t fun then, was it Mom?”

No, no it wasn’t. You caught me. I’m in this mom gig solely for the extra brownies.

You can read more of Daphne’s work here on the mama bird diaries or visit her site, Sestina Queen.

12 Responses to one brownie for you, ten brownies for me

  • Dave says:

    I considered adding, "Extra brownies are just the tip of the iceberg, I like to eat your candy from the candy jar at night when you are sleeping."

  • Memarie Lane says:

    Oh, that's not so bad. When I was a kid my mom would eat ice cream right in front of me! At ten o'clock in the morning! I thought about that the other day as I sat eating frosting out of the container with a spoon.

  • cookie says:

    were you this funny as a kid..I don't remember counting the sarcasm as a perk..it was just a perk in the making..I loved this story..laugh out loud funny. Did you know about the pinwheel cookies in the drawer under the bed?

  • Kristen M says:

    Thanks for making me laugh! Brownies are a great perk. Yummy. To be honest, my reunion is one of the things that is motivating me to just eat one. I have heard good things about the book, "French Women Don't Get Fat." I have not read it but maybe it is because they don't have as many children as we have. Who knows?

  • Karen says:

    Love it Daphne. I look forward to each of your postings on motherhood- all the joys and perks. Your excerpts make me smile, even on the not-so-joyous or perky days…..

  • sharon says:

    What about the great perk of eating Halloween candy in order to save our little ones’ teeth from the cavity-monster? Love it.

  • G-P mikey says:

    good laugh. You weren't this funny when you were a kid. But then again at least you had a childhood. What are those like. Keep them coming.

  • Danielle says:

    Man, they should totally push the brownie angle in all those pregnancy books! That would make it so much less scary!


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