the mamabird diaries
A couple weeks ago, I told my kids that I was having surgery. (I’ve had an abdominal hernia for a long time). Of course, my kids were very concerned about my well being but masked it really well by saying things like, “WE ARE SO EXCITED ABOUT YOUR SURGERY! DADDY WILL BE HOME ALL WEEK!!”
And of course everyone else I told was convinced I was having a boob job because apparently in Florida “surgery” is code for “boob job.” So now I feel like I have to buy some push up bras so South Florida residents won’t be disappointed. Or maybe a t-shirt that says, “Same Old Boobs That Nursed 5 Kids, Better Stomach!”
At first I was panicked about the surgery. As soon as the surgeon came in, I asked the two most important questions you can ask any doctor… 1. Are you sober? 2. Have you ever done this procedure before? After that, it’s game on!
I had to spend one night in the hospital and one of the nurses came in to ask me if I was related to that CBS 4 guy on the news. “I am!” I exclaimed. “I’m married to that CBS4 guy!!” She was thrilled which I figured could only mean good news for my nursing care.
Now that I’m on the other side of the surgery, I’m panicked with how much TV I’ll have to watch. Like this morning I saw this segment on “Today” with beauty tips from Naomi Campbell. This was her actual advice…
1. Drink warm water with lime juice
2. Drink green vegetable juices for breakfast
3. Do yoga/ pilotes
4. Eat everything in moderation
5. Use moisturizer
6. Keep your style simple
I mean, what? Did she come up with these in the green room 5 minutes before the interview? 30 years of modeling and one of her beauty secrets is “use moisturizer?”
And by the way, I could drink a bathtub of warm water and lime juice, and I’m not going to look anything like that 44 year old super model.
See why TV is not making me feel better?
Since I’m really not great at sitting still and doing nothing while in pain (is anyone?) – please tell me your fave TV show or movie. I would love something funny and light. I just watched the most recent “Parenthood” episode and they are trying to depress us so much we won’t even care it’s going off the air.
By the way, that CBS4 news guy (along with my mom) have been rock stars taking care of me.
I love reading to my kids. Sure, sometimes I try to race through the 4,000th reading of “Curious George Does Whatever Because the Man with the Yellow Hat is the Most Negligent Monkey Owner of All Time” but in general, it’s just one of those kids’ activities I enjoy. I get to cuddle with my children while we do something that involves no screens and it feels like real quality time.
But once in awhile I run into a creepy kids’ book. And this one is called “Love You Forever” by Robert Munsch.
Robert Munsch has written a lot of children’s books and one I really love is “The Paper Bag Princess.” This book is about a kick ass princess who fights dragons and rescues her prince who ends up being a real superficial dud. It’s funny with an empowering princess message.
And “Love You Forever” seems promising at first. It’s about the unconditional love between a parent and a child. How can you go wrong with that?
The books starts off with a mother rocking her child and she sings to him,
“I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, as long as I’m living my baby you’ll be.”
The baby gets older and turns into a 9 year old who drives her crazy sometimes. But at night, she creeps into his room, picks him up and sings the same song.
Okay, that still seems alright.
Then he becomes a teenager. He is definitely driving her crazy but she still crawls into his room at night, picks him up (apparently she is doing a lot of strength training at the gym) and sings him the same song.
“I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, as long as I’m living my baby you’ll be.”
Finally, the teenager becomes a man. He moves out. So what does she do on dark nights? (And yes, the book actually says that she does this on some dark nights.)
SHE COMES IN THROUGH HIS WINDOW WITH A LADDER, PICKS HIM UP AND ROCKS HIM. Here’s the proof….
So at this point she is guilty of breaking and entering, has some kind of inappropriate obsession with her son, is quite old but has CrossFit strength and her son must be in some kind of drunken stupor to not wake up when someone comes through his window and cradles him at night.
The book goes on with the mother getting so old that the son ends up rocking her. And singing…
“I’ll love you forever, I’ll like for always, As long as I’m living my mommy you’ll be.”
And finally, it all comes full circle with the man rocking his own baby daughter and now singing the familiar refrain…
“I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, As long as I’m living my baby you’ll be.
I’m all about a message of unconditional love. I was thinking about unconditional love this past weekend when my 10-year-old was screaming in my face that it was the “worst day ever” because I was making her go to her brother’s T-ball game for an hour. The truth is no matter how angry I get with her, there is nothing that could diminish my love for her by one morsel.
And I didn’t get this until I become a parent. I knew I would love my kids. I knew I would take care of them. I knew I would protect them. But I never knew my love for them would be bigger and deeper than anything I had ever felt in life.
I can assure my children that I will never drive across town on a dark night, climb up a ladder, break into their house through a window, and rock them in their sleep.
First of all, I don’t own a ladder.
Second, they will probably have an alarm system.
Third, their significant other/spouse would probably douse me with mace in self defense because they think I’m some kind of intruder. Which leads me to….
Fourth, I don’t want to get arrested.
Fifth, if I did arrested it would be for breaking into Ryan Gosling’s bedroom.
Sixth, I don’t like lifting weights so my upper body strength is pathetic and I couldn’t lift one of my grown children anyway.
So for all of these reasons, I won’t be stalking my adult children someday.
But I will tell them…
I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, As long as I’m living my baby you’ll be.
Because that is the truth.
Note: When I wrote this post, I didn’t know the heartbreaking back story. If I had, I probably would not have wrote it. I still believe the sentiment in this book is beautiful but have never quite understood the breaking and entering/ inappropriate boundaries aspect. A ladder? In the middle of the night? But the idea of loving a child forever is something I can easily relate to.
You know when you see a headline and you think, “I really don’t want to read about that” but then you click on it anyway because you apparently need to torture yourself a little bit?
Well, that’s what happened when I saw the headline, “Kourtney Kardashian Eats Her Own ‘Yummy’ Placenta.”
Panicked about a life where I don’t fully understand Kourtney Kardashian and her relationship with her placenta, I saw no choice but to click. And she is indeed the latest celebrity to be on the placenta eating bandwagon post pregnancy. January Jones is on board too!
Apparently eating your placenta can have all kinds of health benefits like regaining energy, increasing milk production and even combating postpartum depression.
But you have to eat your placenta!
Now thankfully, you don’t have to marinate it and throw it on the grill. Someone qualified (a Placentarian or something) can crush it up and make it into pills so it’s way less gross.
Here are Kourtney’s placenta pills. Thank goodness Instagram exists or else we would never have access to these kinds of photos…
But some celebs like “Girls” actress Gaby Hoffmann prefer to go the smoothie route…
She told one magazine, “I made smoothies out of it for three weeks. I had a home birth, so my midwife and my doula took it and cut it up into 20 pieces and froze it, and every day, I put it in a blender with strawberries and blueberries and guava juice and a banana, and I drank that sh*t up.”
Does that sound one step away from cannibalism?
I’ll support anything that helps new moms and the reality is some suffer from debilitating postpartum depression. So if this works for them, then hot damn, eat it up!
You can even find cookbooks on how to prepare it. I don’t know about slow cooker recipes.
Other moms have said that consuming their placenta had a negative effect on them like severe mood swings.
I can report that in my 4 pregnancies, it had no effect on me because I never did it. Look, I have enough problems eating chicken. The placenta was never for me.
I don’t know how you eat but this is how I eat way too many meals…
Hunched over in a corner of my kitchen trying to shovel back anything I can find before one of the children notices me and demands something.
And trying to figure out what exactly to eat is incredibly taxing on my brain. Coming up with 3 meals a day for my kids must take all my available food memory.
But then I got a visit from some kind of food angel because DeliverLean, a South Florida healthy meal delivery service, wanted to bring me gourmet meals for 5 days.
Bring it on! I’ll eat anything!! Especially if I don’t have to cook it.
But these meals are SERIOUSLY GOURMET. Take a look at the shrimp putanesca with carrot spaghetti and braised rapini…
Photo Credit: Me! Just before I ate the whole thing. Yum!
If I ordered this at a restaurant on a Saturday night, I would have been happy. It was that good.
They have meals like balsamic marinated chicken with baby zucchini and squash. And turkey bacon wrapped pork tenderloin with fig chutney, orange srirachi butternut and shitake. You don’t even have to know what srirachi is to love it. (It’s chili sauce so you can impress your foodie friends.)
My husband tried many of the meals too and this was one of his comments….
“The vegetables are so good. Tender and delicious. Just perfect.”
Thank you honey! You’re tender and delicious too!
Oh wait, I think he was talking about the vegetables.
DeliverLean also has organic cold-pressed juices by OnJuice and healthy vegan snacks. Like OMG I wanted to marry the gingerbread kale chips they were so delicious…
There are also desserts like a chocolate mint tart or this super delish raw vegan coconut vanilla tart…
The meals come in plastic containers. If it needed heating, I simply put it on a plate and heated it in the microwave (because I don’t like to reheat in plastic containers). The only thing I can’t rave about are the breakfast meals that featured eggs because I find eggs are really hard to reheat perfectly.
DeliverLean has 6 meal plans to choose from, including Traditional, Paleo /Low-Cal, Organic Protein, Gluten Free, Vegetarian or Vegan. Each meal has 300 to 400 calories with a balance of lean protein, complex carbs, healthy fats and fresh fruits and vegetables.
You can also mix and match plans. Plus you can tell them the foods that you are allergic to or just really can’t stand (like beets might not be your jam, you know?)
Meal plans start at $8.95 per meal and are delivered right to your door before you even wake up which is almost ridiculously convenient.
This really is a fantastic food plan if you are trying to lose weight, if you are a crazy parent who is tired of eating fattening leftover chicken nuggets off your kids’ plates or for people who are just busy with work and life and don’t have time to think about meals.
So if you live in South Florida and find yourself eating cereal hunched over in the corner of your kitchen – then try DeliverLean. And this is the best part – you’ll get 3 FREE days when you sign up for the 4 week plan by clicking here.
This is a sponsored post for DeliverLean. All ideas are my own.
Did you know there is a big tech thing going on? It’s the International Consumer Electronics Show. It’s taking place in Las Vegas so I can only assume that most of the people attending are drunk.
At the show, companies show off their cool gadgets like the smart belt that loosens your buckle when you’ve eaten too much (think the opposite of Spanks). It’s called the Belty. Can you imagine how many hours went into thinking up that name?
This smart belt automatically adjusts itself throughout the day, depending on how much you’ve eaten and how much exercise you’ve done. So basically, take the stairs at work or your belt will be mocking you for eating that Boston creme pie you had at lunch by calling you Fatty. Thanks Belty!
It also keeps track of your overall health, and encourages you to get moving when you’ve been sitting for too long by vibrating. Which will probably make you think you have text messages. But nope. You’re just being too lazy. According to your belt.
There is also the Baby GiGL, a smart baby bottle holder. Now I immediately assumed this bottle could magically feed a baby in the middle of the night without waking the mother but apparently it just helps parents keep track of how much and how quickly a baby is drinking (Not alcohol. Milk.)
It also gives you feedback on how to properly hold the bottle at a particular angle so the baby doesn’t swallow air. It’s $100 bucks. Which is also the cost of nice dinner out. So you decide which you need more after having a baby.
And then there is the ring. It’s like an amazing engagement ring except it’s really ugly and doesn’t come with a groom.
This $130 ring turns you into a wizard of sorts, allowing you to wave your finger around to close their curtains, turn on televisions, and flip on lights. If you’ve always wanted to be a magician, this is really your jam.
Of course, there is a disclaimer that the ring can cause itchiness, irritation and rashes. But isn’t that worth it if you don’t have to undertake the laborious task of flipping on your light switch?
The ring will also vibrate when you are getting a text message or social media notification. That way you won’t miss one Tweet, Facebook update or text.
Because we all made a New Year’s resolution to spend more time looking at our phone.
You know what gadget they need to invent? The one which makes me super alert and interested when my daughter is taking 15 minutes to describe a recent “Jesse” episode. Or maybe one that always keeps children hydrated so they don’t immediately ask for water every single time they get in the car. Or maybe one that just stops kids from growing up so ridiculously fast.
I’ll be looking for those at next year’s Consumer Electronics show.