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Kelcey

Oct
23
2014

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10 year old Dylan’s story:

I recently picked up my 10 year old daughter at school and this is the story she told me….

“At recess, we were playing on the playground and all of a sudden it started to rain. And not just a little rain but tons and tons of rain. And we were under the sun shade but that didn’t do anything to stop the water. And we were all trying to escape the rain by ducking under slides but it really wasn’t working because it’s a sun shade, not a rain shade. They really should put up rain shades. And the rain did not stop. We finally had to run back to the school and we all got soaking wet.”

<Takes big breath and keeps going.>

“When we got inside, we had to take off our shoes and socks. But they knew we couldn’t go back to class because we were all wet and we would be freezing. So there was a religious school near by and they had all these brand new t-shirts and they loaned us the shirts. We all put on the t-shirts. We are supposed to return the shirt tomorrow washed with a thank you note.”

My husband Rick’s story:

This is how my husband (a TV news anchor) would tell the same story…

Exactly like Dylan – as if he was filling air time for a breaking news story and at the end he would say, “We have to take a quick break but when we return, find out if the t-shirts actually got returned with thank you notes! And our reporter checks in with the children to find out how they are adjusting to life after this dramatic rainstorm.”

Kelcey’s story:

This is how I would tell the rain story….

“There was a big rain storm at Dylan’s school during recess and Dylan’s class got drenched. The religious school kindly loaned them t-shirts. So please, for the love of laundry, someone help me remember to wash this shirt and return it tomorrow. And Dylan, you need to write a thank you note. And oh my gosh, we still haven’t written your birthday thank you notes and your birthday was a month ago!! Can someone remind me of that too? I wrote a reminder note but I think it’s under two week’s worth of mail.”

Summer’s story:

This is how 7-year-old Summer would tell the rain story…

“I’m hungry. Did you bring any food for me? Can we stop for frozen yogurt?”

Chase’s story:

This is how 4-year-old Chase would tell the rain story…

At recess, the rain came shooting down from the sky and Dylan and all her friends got all wet. So they took swords and battled the rain until the pirates came and put them in a big ship and sailed them back to their class.

Harlowe’s story:

This is how 4-year-old Harlowe would tell the rain story…

Dylan and her friends got all wet at recess and then – MOMMY, TOMORROW WHEN I GO TO SCHOOL AND I BRING MY DRAWING OF A RAINBOW AND SHOW IT TO MY FRIEND OLIVIA AND THEN WHEN I GET HOME FROM SCHOOL CAN I PUT IT ON MY WALL?!

Cash’s story:

This is how 1 1/2 year old Cash would tell the rain story…

“Hiya!”

Clearly, Cash knows how to be succinct. I love that in a kid.

Oct
20
2014

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Kelcey sent her husband Rick this email…

I am panicked about Ebola.

___________________________

And Rick responded….

Don’t be. You should be panicked about how long the car maintenance light has been on.

___________________________

And Kelcey wrote….

Your obsession with that light is unhealthy. I just think of it as a reminder that the car needs love. So I give the car a few positive affirmations each morning when I see the light. Things like… your leather interior is terrific! Way to move those wipers!! All the goldfish you are wearing make you look skinny. Stuff like that.

___________________________

And Rick wrote….

Does the car ever respond that it really needs an oil change and more air in the tires?

___________________________

And Kelcey wrote….

Never. By the way, I have something I have to admit to you.

___________________________

And Rick wrote….

You sent Ryan Gosling a baby gift?

____________________________

And Kelcey wrote….

No, I did not send him a gift. I don’t know him. I’m not insane. Although now that you bring him up,  I do think we might be connected on a very spiritual level.

_____________________________

And Rick wrote…

Like the way Salma Hayek is my spiritual guru?

______________________________

And Kelcey wrote….

Sort of. Except Ryan Gosling and I are truly connected. And you just have a crush on Salma. Completely different dynamic.  Anyway, I want to confess that the other night I was watching Jimmy Fallon and I almost didn’t tell you that Neil Diamond was on.

You know I have a lot of post traumatic stress from going to see that Neil Diamond cover band Super Diamond. Everyone kept saying I’d know the songs. Turns out I only know one Neil Diamond song and the rest of the concert felt like being trapped in a doctor’s office listening to some tortured easy listening station.

_____________________________

And Rick wrote…

Neil Diamod is a God.

_____________________________

And Kelcey wrote….

If you say so. Anyway, I almost didn’t tell you which would have meant that you would have missed out on his new song (the one that sounds like every other song he sings) and the way he sways back and forth like a lounge singer, and that would have been quite a loss. Obviously, I did the right thing so our relationship can recover but I wanted you to know the truth.

_____________________________

And Rick wrote….

It’s very brave of you.

_____________________________

And Kelcey wrote….

Do you think Neil Diamond is panicked about Ebola?

_____________________________

And Rick wrote….

I don’t think so. He’s too focused on being Neil Diamond.

_____________________________

And Kelcey wrote…

Oh one more thing… you know that guy Charlie Crist who is running for Florida Governor? The one who needs an electric fan at every event and wants every Florida resident to have a fan too?

______________________________

And Rick wrote….

Yes, I know who he is. I don’t think he’s promised a fan for every Floridian.  But he does like his own fan at campaign events.

______________________________

And Kelcey wrote….

I’m going to start traveling with a fan. Sort of a combo of Charlie Crist and Beyoncé. I think it will make me seem more glamorous at school drop off.

______________________________

And Rick wrote….

Absolutely. Plus, if you ever run into Ryan Gosling, you’ll look so cool and refreshed.

_______________________________

And Kelcey wrote….

Exactly. Honey, you know me so well. Okay, I gotta run.

_______________________________

And Rick wrote….

Love you. And Salma. But you way more.

_______________________________

And Kelcey wrote….

You write the sweetest things. xo

Oct
16
2014

Many many years ago, when we had two kids and still lived in the West Village of Manhattan, Summer (age 1 1/2) and Dylan (age 3 1/2) sang their rendition of Do-Re-Mi.

Now of course, we have been trying to teach 17 month old Cash to say “doe” so that we can recreate this Sound of Music magic but he only really likes to say “hi-yuh!” which is super awesome but doesn’t really work for this particular song.

Meanwhile, the twins have been learning Do-Re-Mi too – mostly because it’s a core part of my highly acclaimed bedtime songs routine. (Mostly highly acclaimed by me but whatever.)

Well, Chase and Harlowe decided they wanted to sing it together one night after bath but before I actually brushed their hair.

And I think you will agree after you watch the video that they will probably not be joining the Von Trapp family anytime soon.

Obviously, we are going to refocus our efforts on teaching Cash “doe.”

Oct
13
2014

Buying shoes before kids…

Wake up on a Saturday morning and think, “I really need some new gold shoes.” Then go back to sleep for 5 hours just because you don’t feel like getting up.

Wake up in the afternoon and make plans to meet two girlfriends at Bloomingdales.

Try on a lot of shoes. Realize none of them are quite right. You’re looking for just the right heel height, a great fit and a shoe that says stylish, fabulous girl but not cheap hussy. Head to Saks. And Steve Madden. And Aldo. And 9 West. And some of the shoe stores in between.

This is grueling and since you only got 14 hours of sleep last night, you’re getting very weary. But you find three pairs that could be the ones. You realize you need to sit with the idea of buying them overnight. Your true shoe will become apparent.  Probably in a dream.

On Sunday, you wake up and think, “I feel like something is missing in my life. It’s the gold wedges I tried on yesterday and I must have them.”

Watch a Real World marathon.

Order in sushi.

Take a nap.

Then finally head to the store and try on the Seychelles wedges for 30 minutes. Yes, these are the ones! You buy them. Mission accomplished. You can’t believe it only took one weekend to find your dream shoes.

Buying shoes after kids…

You don’t even consider dragging your kids to a shoe store because they will somehow lure you to the children’s section and convince you to buy 4 pairs of Uggs despite the fact that you live in Florida. This will mainly happen because your 17 month old is pulling every shoe box off the shelf at an Olympic speed and you’ve lost all sense of reason.

So obviously a trip to the store is out.

Instead, look online and after 4 minutes of intense shopping, order a pair of shoes off Zappos or Amazon.

Once they arrive, you forget to open the box for two days.

You finally open the box and try them on. They’re cute! But they feel a little wide in the heel. The wedge is a bit higher than you’re looking for but you definitely don’t hate them.

The box sits on your dining room table for 5 days. You realize you’re never going to try to exchange or return them.  Because that would take energy. You’ll make these work.

Mama’s got a new pair of shoes.

gold wedges

Oct
10
2014

The other night I was walking upstairs and suddenly came face to face with a Palmetto Bug (AKA a flying cockroach). I would have taken a picture of it but it was so big, it was blocking my access to my phone.

You really can’t go to sleep when there is a gigantic flying cockroach on the loose, so I knew I had to do something.

I found one of the kids’ buckets and threw it over him. I was about to write a note for my husband like this…

“Welcome home from work! There is a flying cockroach under this bucket. Please remove. Love, your wife. P.S. Don’t forget to shut off the hall lights.”

But then I started to worry that the bug was suffocating under the bucket.

Now only a crazy person would worry about this. I mean, who cares if the bug suffocates, right? But I felt guilty. I mean, that’s not a great way to go. Especially for a bug who was probably just doing his own thing, lost his way and is now confused under a green plastic bucket.

I really blame my father for my irrational state of mind. When I was a kid, we used to play these car games on long rides and one of them was, “How much would someone have to pay you to rip the wings off a butterfly?”

Well, there was no amount of money – not millions or billions – that would make my dad agree to do it. As for me at the time, I think I was willing to do it for $5 and a package of Pop Rocks.

But some of his lofty ethics must have rubbed off on me because there I was, many years later,  in the middle of my house stressing about whether a flying cockroach could breathe under a bucket.

I knew I couldn’t sleep with thoughts of his potentially diminished lung capacity, so I needed a new game plan.

I gingerly slid a manilla envelope under the bucket and then for added security, put a book under the envelope.  I then proceeded to bring the whole contraption outside and attempted to free the palmetto bug back into the wild.

But when I lifted up the bucket, he just sat there. I think it was the first time in history a cockroach had been freed, so he was pretty stunned about the whole turn of events.

I said goodnight and shut the door.

By morning, he was gone. I feel pretty good about how the whole thing went down. I’m sure he’s still telling his friends about the day he survived the green bucket.


kelcey kintner


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