I’m sure you’ve been wondering what I’ve been doing while recovering from surgery. Mostly 4 things….
1. Trying to untwist one of those double layered tops from the cult store Justice. If you don’t have tween girls – let me explain. They sell these tops that are really 2 shirts but sewn together at the shoulder. So after you wash and dry it, the 2 tops are twisted together like a Rubik’s cube. It’s maddening…
2. I’ve also been trying to trademark “This Sick Beat” before Taylor Swift. But she beat me to it. She even trademarked another one of her lyrics, “Party like it’s 1989!” which really sucks because that was my new life motto and I just had it tattooed over my belly button.
3. I also started an epic letter writing campaign to prevent Ray Romano from marrying Sarah on the series finale of “Parenthood.” While everyone was stocking up on tissues for the final show of this at times depressing but very well done drama, I was trying to urgently prevent the inevitable joining of Hank and Sarah in matrimony.
The couple has zero on screen chemistry and they should just let her marry Adam Braverman who plays her brother but is actually her boyfriend in real life. A sibling marriage would really shake things up in the final episode.
Anyway, the finale just aired and obviously my letter writing campaign was a bust. Mostly because the only people who wrote letters were me and some sibling marriage advocate out in Duluth.
But the finale was very sweet and well done. And of course sad. Mostly sad because of Drew’s little mustache but other stuff too. But I really liked the FNL Jason Street cameo in one of the last scenes. If only they had worked in Coach Taylor too.
4. Finally, I also wrote a few articles on Lifetime Moms like why parents really dread making school lunches…
And why there is no point moving to France now because you won’t be allowed to name your kid Nutella…
I hope these cheer you up from your “Parenthood” is over blues.
I’ve been doing this playdate thing for 10 years. I’ve been at playdates where the kids never even glanced at each other, never mind actually played.
I’ve sat at a playdate with a German nanny who spoke no English while I stared at my phone which had no reception for an hour and a half.
I once hosted a playdate where upon conclusion our 7 year old guest declared it “the most boring playdate ever.”
I’ve dropped off, picked up, hosted and cleaned up many many times but what I’ve rarely done is ask about guns.
Because I don’t know. It feels awkward. “Hey thanks for having my kid over! Oh do you have any firearms in your home not stored properly?”
Plus the mom usually seems so nice and normal and has a cute haircut. How could she have a gun lying around?
So how are we not asking this question?! How am I not asking this question?
We have to start talking about gun safety with other parents. Even if they are nice and have cute haircuts.
And it doesn’t actually have to be awkward. According to GunSafe Mom, have a private (not in front of the kids) conversation with the other parent hours before the playdate. This is not a conversation to have at the door as you are dropping your kid off.
And the conversation can go something like this…
“Start off friendly. “Hey, Angela! Sophie is really excited about the playdate. Anything I can send with her?” Break the ice, then preface other safety issues, like whether or not your child has food allergies or if she’s scared of dogs. Then say, ‘This may sound odd, but it’s a safety issue — do you guys have any guns in your home?’ (Courtesy of The Stir)
See that’s not so bad. Especially because it could save your kid’s life.
And this isn’t an issue of whether you believe in owning guns or not. It doesn’t really matter. It’s about making sure all of our children are safe.
That way when our kids head off to a playdate, they can wonder about things like…
Will my friend’s mom give me access to the delicious trifecta combo of Nutella, Marshmallow Fluff and M & M’s that my own mother has denied me for so long?
Will we be allowed to watch endless amounts of TV until our eyeballs fall out?
Will we get to draw superheroes on the wall of the playroom like my friend absolutely promised?
We parents will worry about the other stuff.
A couple weeks ago, I told my kids that I was having surgery. (I’ve had an abdominal hernia for a long time). Of course, my kids were very concerned about my well being but masked it really well by saying things like, “WE ARE SO EXCITED ABOUT YOUR SURGERY! DADDY WILL BE HOME ALL WEEK!!”
And of course everyone else I told was convinced I was having a boob job because apparently in Florida “surgery” is code for “boob job.” So now I feel like I have to buy some push up bras so South Florida residents won’t be disappointed. Or maybe a t-shirt that says, “Same Old Boobs That Nursed 5 Kids, Better Stomach!”
At first I was panicked about the surgery. As soon as the surgeon came in, I asked the two most important questions you can ask any doctor… 1. Are you sober? 2. Have you ever done this procedure before? After that, it’s game on!
I had to spend one night in the hospital and one of the nurses came in to ask me if I was related to that CBS 4 guy on the news. “I am!” I exclaimed. “I’m married to that CBS4 guy!!” She was thrilled which I figured could only mean good news for my nursing care.
Now that I’m on the other side of the surgery, I’m panicked with how much TV I’ll have to watch. Like this morning I saw this segment on “Today” with beauty tips from Naomi Campbell. This was her actual advice…
1. Drink warm water with lime juice
2. Drink green vegetable juices for breakfast
3. Do yoga/ pilotes
4. Eat everything in moderation
5. Use moisturizer
6. Keep your style simple
I mean, what? Did she come up with these in the green room 5 minutes before the interview? 30 years of modeling and one of her beauty secrets is “use moisturizer?”
And by the way, I could drink a bathtub of warm water and lime juice, and I’m not going to look anything like that 44 year old super model.
See why TV is not making me feel better?
Since I’m really not great at sitting still and doing nothing while in pain (is anyone?) – please tell me your fave TV show or movie. I would love something funny and light. I just watched the most recent “Parenthood” episode and they are trying to depress us so much we won’t even care it’s going off the air.
By the way, that CBS4 news guy (along with my mom) have been rock stars taking care of me.
I love reading to my kids. Sure, sometimes I try to race through the 4,000th reading of “Curious George Does Whatever Because the Man with the Yellow Hat is the Most Negligent Monkey Owner of All Time” but in general, it’s just one of those kids’ activities I enjoy. I get to cuddle with my children while we do something that involves no screens and it feels like real quality time.
But once in awhile I run into a creepy kids’ book. And this one is called “Love You Forever” by Robert Munsch.
Robert Munsch has written a lot of children’s books and one I really love is “The Paper Bag Princess.” This book is about a kick ass princess who fights dragons and rescues her prince who ends up being a real superficial dud. It’s funny with an empowering princess message.
And “Love You Forever” seems promising at first. It’s about the unconditional love between a parent and a child. How can you go wrong with that?
The books starts off with a mother rocking her child and she sings to him,
“I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, as long as I’m living my baby you’ll be.”
The baby gets older and turns into a 9 year old who drives her crazy sometimes. But at night, she creeps into his room, picks him up and sings the same song.
Okay, that still seems alright.
Then he becomes a teenager. He is definitely driving her crazy but she still crawls into his room at night, picks him up (apparently she is doing a lot of strength training at the gym) and sings him the same song.
“I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, as long as I’m living my baby you’ll be.”
Finally, the teenager becomes a man. He moves out. So what does she do on dark nights? (And yes, the book actually says that she does this on some dark nights.)
SHE COMES IN THROUGH HIS WINDOW WITH A LADDER, PICKS HIM UP AND ROCKS HIM. Here’s the proof….
So at this point she is guilty of breaking and entering, has some kind of inappropriate obsession with her son, is quite old but has CrossFit strength and her son must be in some kind of drunken stupor to not wake up when someone comes through his window and cradles him at night.
The book goes on with the mother getting so old that the son ends up rocking her. And singing…
“I’ll love you forever, I’ll like for always, As long as I’m living my mommy you’ll be.”
And finally, it all comes full circle with the man rocking his own baby daughter and now singing the familiar refrain…
“I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, As long as I’m living my baby you’ll be.
I’m all about a message of unconditional love. I was thinking about unconditional love this past weekend when my 10-year-old was screaming in my face that it was the “worst day ever” because I was making her go to her brother’s T-ball game for an hour. The truth is no matter how angry I get with her, there is nothing that could diminish my love for her by one morsel.
And I didn’t get this until I become a parent. I knew I would love my kids. I knew I would take care of them. I knew I would protect them. But I never knew my love for them would be bigger and deeper than anything I had ever felt in life.
I can assure my children that I will never drive across town on a dark night, climb up a ladder, break into their house through a window, and rock them in their sleep.
First of all, I don’t own a ladder.
Second, they will probably have an alarm system.
Third, their significant other/spouse would probably douse me with mace in self defense because they think I’m some kind of intruder. Which leads me to….
Fourth, I don’t want to get arrested.
Fifth, if I did arrested it would be for breaking into Ryan Gosling’s bedroom.
Sixth, I don’t like lifting weights so my upper body strength is pathetic and I couldn’t lift one of my grown children anyway.
So for all of these reasons, I won’t be stalking my adult children someday.
But I will tell them…
I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, As long as I’m living my baby you’ll be.
Because that is the truth.
Note: When I wrote this post, I didn’t know the heartbreaking back story. If I had, I probably would not have wrote it. I still believe the sentiment in this book is beautiful but have never quite understood the breaking and entering/ inappropriate boundaries aspect. A ladder? In the middle of the night? But the idea of loving a child forever is something I can easily relate to.
You know when you see a headline and you think, “I really don’t want to read about that” but then you click on it anyway because you apparently need to torture yourself a little bit?
Well, that’s what happened when I saw the headline, “Kourtney Kardashian Eats Her Own ‘Yummy’ Placenta.”
Panicked about a life where I don’t fully understand Kourtney Kardashian and her relationship with her placenta, I saw no choice but to click. And she is indeed the latest celebrity to be on the placenta eating bandwagon post pregnancy. January Jones is on board too!
Apparently eating your placenta can have all kinds of health benefits like regaining energy, increasing milk production and even combating postpartum depression.
But you have to eat your placenta!
Now thankfully, you don’t have to marinate it and throw it on the grill. Someone qualified (a Placentarian or something) can crush it up and make it into pills so it’s way less gross.
Here are Kourtney’s placenta pills. Thank goodness Instagram exists or else we would never have access to these kinds of photos…
But some celebs like “Girls” actress Gaby Hoffmann prefer to go the smoothie route…
She told one magazine, “I made smoothies out of it for three weeks. I had a home birth, so my midwife and my doula took it and cut it up into 20 pieces and froze it, and every day, I put it in a blender with strawberries and blueberries and guava juice and a banana, and I drank that sh*t up.”
Does that sound one step away from cannibalism?
I’ll support anything that helps new moms and the reality is some suffer from debilitating postpartum depression. So if this works for them, then hot damn, eat it up!
You can even find cookbooks on how to prepare it. I don’t know about slow cooker recipes.
Other moms have said that consuming their placenta had a negative effect on them like severe mood swings.
I can report that in my 4 pregnancies, it had no effect on me because I never did it. Look, I have enough problems eating chicken. The placenta was never for me.