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Aug
31
2015

Toddler Looking For Work

Toddler immediately available for any work opportunities. (My mother has recently mentioned that it might be a good idea to focus my reckless energy.)

Experience: None. Unless you count lying on the floor in a futile attempt to keep my parents from picking me up and putting me in my stroller.

Skills: Repeating the same word 4,200 times (usually “puppy”), disassembling household appliances, putting items in toilet and flushing multiple times, opening front door and taking long walks alone in an effort to panic my family, ability to climb on counters, will empty out fridge but unfortunately have no skills to put items back in the fridge, can dump out large bins of toys at rapid rates (but see no need to actually play with toys), highly skilled at hiding keys and remote controls, can remove carseat straps with ease and speed, can get out of my stroller within minutes, able to throw food enormous distances and also incredibly skilled at throwing the plate and my cup too.

Special Talents: Water skiing, Mandarin and covering myself head to toe in yogurt. (The water skiing and Mandarin thing might be a bit of a resume padding.)

Education: Mommy & Me class and gymnastics class. Working on preschool applications.

Computer Experience: No computer experience unless you count breaking computer keys.

References available upon request. I’ve got a million references because I’m very cute.

Cash and plush puppy

Contact Information: Tweet me, Instagram me or I’ll just find you in Starbucks and immediately sort through your purse, steal your mints and make you love/hire me.


Aug
27
2015

The shooting of reporter Alison Parker and photographer Adam Ward is horrifying.

As a former TV reporter, I can remember being an Alison Parker.  She had everything in front of her. And now what does she have? A funeral.  I look at the smiles of Parker and Ward and think about their parents, their friends and everyone who loved them.

Ward-Parker

And the whole thing is evil and senseless.

I don’t understand when we as a nation will say… enough.

The statistics are staggering. More Americans reportedly die in gun homicides and suicides every six months than have died in the last 25 years in every terrorist attack and the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq combined.

Yet, we still have no universal background checks to help keep guns out of dangerous hands.

In fact, we apparently have more regulations for toys, mutual funds, swimming pools and ladders.

Guns are involved in the deaths of 33,000 people annually.

Ladders? 300.

The President of the United States recently said, “No other civilized nation on earth except the U.S. accepts this kind of gun violence.”

He want on to say that he doesn’t think Congress will do anything until the American public feels an urgency to say something. Until they say to themselves, “This is not normal. This is something we can change and we are going to change.”

So we can bury our heads and hope the next shooting won’t be near where we live or where our kids go to school or where we happen to be that day. Or we can actually stand up and say, enough.

Enough violence.

Enough shootings.

We can not end gun violence but we can seriously make a dent in the thousands who lose their lives every year with sensible gun solutions.

If we all did one thing, it would make a difference. One donation. One call. One signature.

Because we Americans are better than this.

Resources:

The Brady Campaign to Prevent Gun Violence

Americans for Responsible Solutions

Everytown for Gun Safety


Aug
24
2015

I made it back to Florida! Just 21 hours of driving – spread over 3 days – with 5 kids in the back.

I got to watch my 10 year old steal every conditioner, lotion, coffee filter, tea bag and anything else that wasn’t nailed down in the hotel room. I’m guessing she’s planning to open up some kind of beauty coffee house in the next few months.

My father (who thankfully came along for the ride) entertained me by reading headlines from USA Today.

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I sounded super grateful by saying things like, “That’s interesting dad but I read that on the CNN website 24 hours ago.” This did not deter him. The man loves his USA Today.

We tried to make the trip bearable by stopping in cute places like Charlottesville, VA and Charleston, SC.

In Charlottesville, it was wonderful to see my friend Valerie from Tulane. But my children behaved so badly at a restaurant that the waitress came over and said, “Can I get anyone a cocktail?” It wasn’t 5 pm anywhere but she could tell the adults were in need of something.

The next day, as I pulled into Charleston, I said to the kids…

“Look at this beautiful southern town.”

unnamed-7

“I see a highway and a carwash,” said one of them.

“Look out your windows. It’s so cute,” I exclaimed.

“I see a palm tree. It looks like Miami,” said another.

“Charleston is mommy’s old stomping grounds. I used to come here and visit my friend Jordana. We were young and free and crazy and ….”

“I’m bored,” said another.

“That’s what’s wrong with your generation. You can’t just sit in a car and enjoy the view,” I said (wondering if I had ever sat and enjoyed the view when I was a kid).

“Hey, I see a garbage can!” said another.

“Look at that church. It’s beautiful,” I said.

“I hate beets,” came another voice from the back.

When we finally got back to Florida – I asked my kids what they thought of the trip. “It was fantastic! We got to stay in hotels and watch TV in the car and eat at McDonald’s everyday!”

Well, at least they liked it.


Aug
19
2015

I’m traveling from Connecticut to South Florida with my dad and five kids. I think I’m currently between, “There’s no good snacks left!” and “Mom, can you rent an RV next time?” and “OMG are we there yet?”

Also known as South Carolina.

unnamed-5

My biggest insight from the trip is that children are able to lose one or more of their shoes in the car. And not be able to find them for long periods of time. Even though the shoes are – in. the. car. So far South Carolina seems very welcoming of one shoed children.

Well, in celebration of the end of summer, I wanted to re-share one of my most favorite summer stories ever about my husband and tank tops….

____________

Men in Tank Tops

You know how on your 25th birthday, you were wearing a tank top and you couldn’t get into your favorite bar because it had that dumb “no tank tops” rule and you were so bummed out?

Okay, I don’t remember turning 25 either but I’m sure something like that happened.

And well, it happened to this guy on Sunday night.

But this birthday boy, who was turned away at the bars and was destined to go home and sob into his entire tank top collection instead found a savior.

My husband.

Who, on the streets of Newport, Rhode Island, took off his own collared shirt and gave it to this guy so he could go out on his birthday.

For real.

That’s my husband’s shirt.  Not the Hawaiian inspired one. The other one.

Of course, this left Rick to continue his evening bare chested, so he took the guy’s tank top.

For real.

Which really does prove that I am married to the nicest guy. Ever.

Who can apparently still work a tank top.


Aug
13
2015

A few weeks ago, my LinkedIn account (which I haven’t logged onto in a very very long time) got hacked. I knew because I started getting emails from people wondering if I was truly a mystery shopper.

Damn, I knew I shouldn’t have padded my resume with all that fake mystery shopper experience!

Apparently, all my LinkedIn contacts received a lifetime opportunity to make more than 2 thousand dollars a month by being  an outstanding mystery shopper who helps evaluate customer service and sales efforts for clients in the USA.

That does sounds exciting! I suddenly imagined myself in dark sunglasses and a trench coat (wait – a trench coat sounds shady like I could be a flasher). Okay, dark sunglasses and a black shiny cat woman suit ducking in and out of designer clothing racks secretly recording the comments of cranky, hungover sales clerks. I would be a millionaire!

catwoma

Despite my deep longing to live a life of mystery and intrigue, I knew my efforts would be sabotaged by my loud children who would say things like, “Mom! Why are you wearing that shiny cat woman suit and hiding behind the evening dresses?! Can we go now? I’m hungry. I’m thirsty. I have a paper cut. I have a stomach ache. Why are we still in this store? Can you buy us something?”

So I decided to give it all up and just continue my normal life. I changed my LinkedIn password to something tricky like “AdamLevineIsMyExBoyfriend” and went on with my life.

Except that I’m now inexplicably locked out of my LinkedIn account and my emails to support go unanswered.

Which means LinkedIn must hate mystery shoppers and Maroon 5.

______________________________

It’s still summertime and I’ve been working on two reviews for you at Alpha Mom. First, I’ve got a review of 8 great sunglasses that will actually protect your kid’s eyes

Screen Shot 2015-08-12 at 11.35.47 PM

And also on Alpha Mom, a review of kids’ goggles that we absolutely swear won’t leak

Screen Shot 2015-08-12 at 11.39.17 PM

Enjoy these sunny days. xo



kelcey kintner


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