I was recently invited to the opening night of Sesame Street Live: When Elmo Grows up at Madison Square Garden. And by “opening night,” I mean, 11 am. This is for the toddler set after all. I was quite relieved to find out that Elmo hadn’t turned into a 46 year-old adult overnight. He’s still the same Elmo, just trying to figure out what to be when he grows up.

The show is super cute and my daughters (age 5 & 3) were completely enthralled and entertained. These Sesame Street characters are rock stars. Yes, as cool as Taylor Swift who is pretty cool in my house. We even had the chance to meet Elmo and Cookie Monster before the show. And we all got a picture with them….

Ok I realize it’s hard to see Dylan and Summer in the photo (mostly because they are hovering in the back of the room). It can be scary to meet these rock stars in person.

The show runs until Feb 15th at Madison Square Garden. I have a 50% off discount code for certain shows. Just email me at kelcey@mamabirddiaries.com and I’ll send it to you.

Ok look. I get it. Chances are I’m not going to be with Taylor Kitsch (better known as Tim Riggins or #33 of “Friday Night Lights” fame).

I mean, first of all I don’t know him. We just don’t run in the same circles. And he’s a decade my junior which means we might run out of things to talk about (Don’t think I haven’t learned a few things from the tragic love story of Madonna and Jesus Luz).

And maybe Tim Riggins doesn’t go for the married with two kids and pregnant thing.  And my heart really belongs to Coach Taylor. So I’m not fooling myself into thinking that someday Riggins and I are going to have our shot. Let’s face it. We probably aren’t.

This I have come to accept.

But this I can not….

Riggins might be dating Miss-I-Think-Tuna-Is-Really-Chicken Jessica Simpson?!

The girl who wouldn’t eat buffalo wings because she doesn’t eat buffalo?!

The girl who admitted that it’s difficult to master golf because her boobs get in the way?!

According to an unnamed source, Riggins and Jessica Simpson were introduced through a friend and then,

“They ended up talking all night and it’s gone from there. He’s very sweet and constantly tells Jessica she’s gorgeous.”

I just feel like a super hot, awesome actor like Riggins deserves someone of a somewhat higher caliber.

So to investigate this shocking news further, I went to my unnamed source (I’ll call him Rick)…

“Honey, Tim Riggins from “Friday Night Lights” might be dating Jessica Simpson! Isn’t that crazy?!”

“I like her.”

“What?! Why the hell would you like her?”

“She’s got a nice trashy thing going on.”

Ok I’m done with that unnamed source.

Thankfully, now more unnamed sources are saying Riggins and Simpson have never even met. Which is what I am choosing to believe.

P.S. If you think this post is shallow – you really should thank me because I could have written an entire blog about Summer’s stomach flu and how she puked all over my comforter, sheets, floor, boots (inside and out) and just about everywhere else. But that would have been nasty. And I love you all so much that I would never do that to you.

P.S.S. Thank you to E for inspiring this vomit free post.

mama bird notes:

BlogHer ‘10 is coming to NYC this summer and I (along with my fellow Mouthy Housewives and Aunt Becky) have put together a proposal for a room, called Dear Abby 2.0: Giving Advice in the Blogosphere.

Please help us bring this session to BlogHer!! Whether you plan to be there or not, please vote by clicking here, log on to BlogHer and then click “I would attend this session” (it’s just above the title: Dear Abby 2.0). After you click it it will miraculously say “I would not attend this session.” This means that your vote for the session has been successfully registered. Thank you!

I recently dropped Summer off at this class for 2 and 3 year-olds. I am about to leave for some one-on-one time with the NY Post when a little girl (whom I know) tells the teacher she has to pee. I hear this and offer to take her to the bathroom so the teacher can continue the class.

Once we are in the bathroom, I am really patting myself on the back for being such a caring adult who would help a child in need, when the little girl suddenly pees on her underwear. Oh damn it.

As you may know, this can happen when a child, who is potty training, isn’t quite situated properly on the toilet. So now, instead of looking like the mom hero, I look like some idiot who can’t take a toddler to the bathroom.  So I clean her up and we return to class. I email her mom with an update and then I’m off to read the gossip on Page Six.

Except now a little boy has to go the bathroom. What is up with these kids? Obviously, way too hydrated. Now I don’t know this boy Alex but I offer to take him to the bathroom too. I’m telling you that my altruism knows no bounds. I need a do-over anyway in the surrogate motherhood department.

So we bound off to the Ladies’ room and that’s when I realize that I have no idea how a little boy pees. Should I text a friend? Wing it? Ask him?

“Do you pee sitting down?” I ask this 3 year-old.

He nods his head yes. Excellent. I thought so.

So I put him on the toilet and I may not have a masters degree in aerodynamics but I’m telling you it immediately becomes clear there is no way this kid’s pee is going to actually go in the bowl. I’m perplexed. How the heck does this work exactly?!

“Maybe you pee standing up. Do you pee standing up?” I ask.

Again, he nods his head yes.

So I stand him in front of the toilet, assess the situation and this too just does not look right.

Now I’m sort of panicked.  I don’t want him to have an accident. I don’t want to be covered in pee. I don’t want him to be covered in pee. I’m desperate.

“How exactly do you pee?” I ask, realizing this might be the dumbest question anyone has ever asked a 3 year-old.

“I want to wash my hands,” he responds (this kid is obviously sensing he is not with a professional).

“Perfect. Let’s do that and your nanny can help you go to the bathroom after class.” He is wearing a pull-up after all so an accident won’t be catastrophic.

So we wash hands and I march him back to class and get him into his seat. And then I dash out of the room before any more kids can request my assistance. And by now, I have to go to the bathroom myself. Which is something I actually know how to do.

P.S. Of course, as soon as I get home, I email a couple friends who have boys and I get the detailed logistics about how this whole little boy peeing thing works, including the fun of how brothers can cross streams, pee on walls and hit targets. Apparently, I’ve really be missing out over here in girl world.

mama bird notes:

This year Blogher ‘10 is in a little neighborhood called New York City. Aunt Becky, Marinka, Wendi, and I (of The Mouthy Housewives and Mommy Wants Vodka) have put in for a Room of our Own on how to create a successful advice site.

It’s going to be funny, entertaining, and we are sure to embarrass ourselves but we need your help to make it happen. Just click here, log on to BlogHer and then click “I would attend this session” (it’s just above the title: Dear Abby 2.0). After you click it it will miraculously say “I would not attend this session.” This means that your vote for the session has been successfully registered. Thank you! And see you in NYC!

Ok sit back, put on your super fresh tuxedo, your Nike dunks and your 3D glasses and enjoy a Grammys recap (brought to you by my dad’s commentary throughout the awards show). Oh wait, you don’t have 3D glasses? Me neither. Well, this post might be a little blurry.

_____

“Who’s that?” my dad asks.

“Fergie,” I answer.

“And who’s that?”

“Still Fergie. Different outfit.”

___

“Who’s that?” my dad asks.

“Pink,” I explain.

“I think she’s the same person as that Lady Gaga. They look the same. They are totally the same person.”

“I promise you, they are different people.”

___

“Where’s Frank Sinatra?” my dad asks.

“He’s dead,” Rick responds because I’m momentarily out of energy.

___

“Who’s this Alice Cooper? Is he the one who played the ukulele?” my dad asks.

“No, Tiny Tim played the ukulele,” Rick explains.

____

“Dad, do you know that is? You must know who that is,” I ask, suddenly re-energized.

“No. Who is it?” my dad says.

“Ryan Seacrest.”

“Oh! He’s from American Idol,” my dad exclaims. My dad has suddenly boarded the pop culture train.

“Seacrest is one of the judges that just got kicked off American Idol. Right?” he continues.

Umm.. no. But at least he got the right show.

____

“Is that Celine Dion?” my dad asks.

“No. Carrie Underwood,” Rick says.

“But Celine should be flattered,” I add.

____

“Ok I’m going to bed,” my dad says as he takes one more glance at the screen. “Hey, that’s Sheryl Crow.”

“Nice call dad.  You’re right.”

“She looks great. But I hate her earrings.”

I’m sure she’ll be crushed.

____

Oh and I think some singers won some awards. But who cares about that. Or if you do, click here. And my dad is still available for the Oscars if you’re interested in watching it with him. But act fast before he’s booked.

mama bird notes:

Lost seriously lost me in season two but if you are one of the obsessed and you are living for Tuesday, then you must read Contributing Mama Daphne Biener’s latest piece. At the very least, you can weigh in on who’s the hottest guy on Lost. Daphne certainly has hers picked out. Click here.