By Contributing Mama Karen Palmer Bland

I have some very kind friends who always say to me, “You are super woman! You had 3 kids in less than 3 years, you have a t-shirt business, you do ad agency recruiting, you work on fundraising for your school and you find time to write.”

My stomach turns when I hear this. Sort of like when someone comments on your awesome (and fake) Prada purse – you can’t let them go on thinking it’s the real deal. Right?  So when my friends compliment my go-getter-ness,  I usually try to smile and say thank you, but more often than not, I tell them my dirty little secret: I DON’T COOK REAL MEALS FOR MY FAMILY.

Dinner at our house consists of store-bought rotisserie chicken, grilled cheeses, noodles with Prego or what I call Charlie Brown Thanksgiving (CBT). CBT consists of lime yogurt, bananas, pickles, grapes, cheese and crackers.

And on special occasions, I order out (or defrost) the all-foodgroups-in-one-course-dinner….PIZZA! My kids love pizza. In the last few years, I have found myself defending pizza – actually promoting the health value. Some people look down at pizza. They consider it “junk food.”   I know that my inlaws “don’t do pizza” yet they are quick to eat a buttery grilled cheese. And let’s face it, pizza is grilled cheese with a VEGETABLE people – it’s called a tomato. Or maybe it’s a fruit. But either way, why does pizza get the bad rap?

I feel sorry for my husband, Jeffrey. He grew up in a very traditional family with weekly trips to the grocery store, meal planning and square meals. Jeffrey’s mother still prepares 3-4 course meals for herself and her husband every night. Lamb, veal, brisket, ribs – with a starch and a vegetable and a bundt cake to top it off. And let’s not forget the all-too-often cheese course that usually makes its way to their dinner table each week.

Yes, it’s intimidating. (Although we did have cream cheese on crackers here tonight so perhaps that was a watered down cheese course.) By now, my husband knows to just eat a big (and late) lunch, to tide him over during the yogurt and pita chip dinner at home. Fortunately, as Jeffrey always says, his favorite food is quantity.

I have friends who tell me that their husband would NEVER stand for this – that they HAVE to have their protein and their vegetable and a dessert. But I use the kids as my excuse (and we have three little excuses). They are finicky. They don’t eat many things and they don’t eat the same things. However, we have found common ground with lime yogurt, pizza and waffles. And I force a piece of fruit down their throats every day.

So is it so terrible that I don’t marinate or stew or braise or scallop? (I’m not even sure what “braise” means but I think the chicken salad that I picked up from Whole Foods might include this, so maybe I DO braise!)

I feel a bit guilty.  I have a Wolf range, All Clad pots and pans  and all the other wedding gift stuff from Williams-Sonoma. (I love that store – very inspiring. Although I didn’t have the heart to keep the crème brulee torcher.  That got returned.) But, as I tell everyone, I just don’t have the time or the meal-planning gene. Luckily for now, my kids aren’t old enough to notice that there often is no real difference between breakfast and dinner at our house. And dinner here sort of resembles what they will eat as college students in another 15 years – so perhaps they’re just getting a headstart.

6:28 am: Our bags are packed and we head out the door to catch our flight to Boca Raton, Florida.

6:32 am: I return to grab the kid’s passports. I’m not sure why. Maybe airport security will ask the girls for ID, maybe our plane will be diverted to Poland, maybe we’ll be the 100th family to check into Continental this morning and win round trip airfare to New Zealand, only redeemable immediately.

Rick is so lucky that he married a girl who is on top of things (like Poland contingency plans).

6:33 am: Get back into the elevator and head downstairs.

6:37 am: Return to the apartment because I’ve forgotten my sunglasses, my regular glasses, an evening purse, a sun hat and a light jacket.

Well, how the hell am I supposed to remember all that crap when I’m handling the whole passport situation?! I can’t do everything around here.

8:45 am: Our Continental flight takes off from Newark airport. After 10 or so minutes, we have not landed in the Hudson River and I take that as a very promising sign that things are going just swell in the cockpit.

But the flight is bumpy and I take a Xanax, which seems to do nothing. Are you suppose to wash that pill down with vodka or something to kick it into gear?

I try to forget about the turbulence by watching “High School Musical” on my computer. Then one of Rick’s colleagues, who happens to be on the plane, comes over to say hello.  Rick is so proud to introduce his wife, who has a mouthful of chips, greasy, salty hands and is completely engrossed in whether Troy will nab the lead in the school play. For the love of Gabriella, don’t tell me what happens. I haven’t finished the movie.

Turns out, the bumpy trip is completely worth it because Boca is so awesomely warm and that night, we go out for Mexican with Rick’s family.

And I mean, we really go all out for Mexican.

I found those hats on my way back from the restaurant’s ladies’ room. Perfectly good hats just hanging on a hook in need of some attention.

I kind of look like a weird, festive witch.

And clearly, there is nothing hotter than your husband in a pink sombrero.

mama bird notes:

Kristin K. won the Sesame Street Live tickets! Congrats Kristin.  For those of you who are not Kristin K. but want to enjoy Elmo and mock Abby Caddaby, here’s a 25% discount code: ELMOMUSIC. Buy tickets here.

Pretty much every night now, 2 year-old Summer declares her intense desire to wear her princess gown to bed.

So I say no.

There is no way a kid can get a proper night’s rest with all those sequins and polyester and tulle. For gosh sakes, I can’t sleep if I’m wearing the wrong sweatpants or if I forget to put lotion on my feet.

But she gets so ridiculously despondent and I start to think, “Life is so darn short. If this girl wants to sleep on six layers of tulle, why should I be the princess-dream-crusher to get in her way?”

Now some of you might point out, “Hey Kelcey. Why don’t you just put her in those Tinkerbell pajamas she adores so much. Wouldn’t that be the easiest solution?”

Do you think this is my first ride on the Parental Express?

Of course, those Tinkerbell pajamas are on. Under her gown.

And like any good outfit, the princess dress works for night and day.

Man, what’s up with my sleepy kid?!

The thing about going the princess 24/7 route, is that (aside from it being very tiring) you end up with a lot of glitter. Everywhere.

On Summer’s face. In her crib. Throughout the apartment.

And glitter is very hard to eradicate. Kind of like having mice but much more magical and sparkly.

mama bird notes:

For nyc area mamas: Last chance to win two tickets to Sesame Street Live’s “Elmo Makes Music” at Madison Square Garden (Feb 5 – 16th).

To enter, leave a comment here. Mention Elmo or Ernie or one of those monsters so I know you want to be entered in the contest.  Just don’t mention Abby Cadabby because that chick annoys me.

When I announce the winner, I will also give a 25% off discount code for those who want to buy tickets. Good luck birdies!

Also, for NYC mamas: When I was in college I mostly focused on where to find the best drink specials but some college students set their sights a little higher. A team of NYU and Columbia students, are raising money to open a shelter for homeless teen mothers. Way to make me feel super shallow.

The group, Kids for a Cause, offers monthly field trips for your kids (babysitting included) to places like the Children’s Museum, the NY Aquarium and the Museum of Natural History. Parents can just make a donation or come along as well. The next fieldtrip is this Saturday, January 31st. Visit Kids for a Cause to sign up or for more info.

So a US Air jet crashed into the Hudson River recently, not all that far from our apartment, and that very evening my husband says to me,

“Oh that reminds me. We need to book our flights to Florida.”

“Really?! Is that what you thought? Because when I saw that plane on TV, sitting in the middle of the Hudson River, I thought how about if we NEVER fly again.”

“But doesn’t it make you realize how much talent and training these pilots have?” he responds.

“No, it makes me realize that geese can actually fly into BOTH engines causing a plane to crash. And on my long list of concerns when I fly – geese wasn’t even on the list.  But now there it is. Geese now falls after “terrorism” and before “landing gear getting stuck.”

“But did you see how perfectly he landed that plane?”

“Yes. Into the icy, frigid water,” I point out.

“But everyone survived!”

“Sure. And that’s amazing. But all in all, still a pretty bad day for those folks, don’t you agree? I mean, any day where your plane crashes is kind of crappy. You really can’t argue with that.”

“It’s really warm in Florida,”

“Fine. Book the tickets. Make sure it’s a plane with a lot of engines.”

mama bird notes:

For nyc area mamas: This week I’m giving away two tickets to Sesame Street Live’s “Elmo Makes Music” at Madison Square Garden. The show is running February 5th to the 16th.

To enter, leave a comment on the mama bird diaries this week and you are entered. Mention Elmo or Ernie or Bert or one of those monsters so I know you want to be entered in the contest.  When I announce the winner, I will also give a 25% off discount code for those who want to buy tickets. Good luck birdies!

Also for nyc area mamas: A friend of mine, who is an incredible and inspiring life coach, is offering a mama bird discount for anyone who’d like to attend her 2 day workshop this coming weekend to “get your year in gear.” $325 if you sign up via phone or email by January 28th.  Regularly $545. Contact Ziev Coaching for more information.

Thanks to Beth Feldman at Role Mommy, I recently had the chance to check out the new TNT show, “Trust Me,” starting Eric McCormack (“Will & Grace”) and Tom Cavanagh (“Ed”). I love both of these guys so I already has a warm, fuzzy feeling as I popped in the DVD.

McCormack and Cavanagh play best friends and creative partners at a Chicago ad firm. Eric McCormack isn’t gay this time around but he’s still playing the straight laced character, while Tom Cavanagh is his slightly irresponsible, super talented and very funny sidekick.

All the action takes place at the agency as they desperately try to come up with the perfect ad slogan. It’s a fast-paced, witty drama that is definitely worth checking out. Think “Mad Men” on speed.  And with so many shots of Starbucks coffees, you’ll be craving a latte before the final credits roll.

“Trust Me” premieres Monday, January 26, 10 pm (ET/PT) on TNT.